5th Century Poetry & My Hope

My DARLING little sister motivated this blog post & also simultaneously made me feel guilty & flattered (she's REALLY great at multi-tasking, a highly gifted individual indeed!)  :o)

She is taking some kind of poetry course at Dixie this semester & came across a poem written in Sanskrit in the 5th Century.  She emailed it to me (here comes the flattery part) & said that she thought of me when she read it!  :)

The people in this world who scorn me

no doubt have special wisdom, 

so I don't write for them:

Instead, I write with the thought 

that since the world is wide and time is endless,

one day someone will be born

whose nature is the same as mine.

This speaks my heart about how I feel about my writing in a way that I can't fully express I'm sure.  My reply to her email went like this:

"That is SO FREAKIN AWESOME!  :o)  It's true too!  I don't write for the learned, I don't write to the successful.  I write for the lost soul, for the leader who has no consciousness of what is already complete in their being.  I write to those with unknown power that WILL change the world once it's discovered! :o)

I love you too!  I'm so flattered that you thought of me! :) "

And then the guilt set in. LOL  I often neglect to keep record & bear witness of the awesomeness of the my life, which I believe is necessary for future generations to benefit from.  I've often lamented this in my writing, that my only is hope is that ONE day, just ONE person might benefit, or avoid some catastrophe, or grow in some way, or gain some insight, or be able to fuel their passion through some experience or thought that I'm willing to share.  I truly believe this is a unique calling in my life & so I decided to DO something productive with my guilt & WRITE! hehe  Kuddo's Jaylyn, mission accomplished! :)

I'm so thankful for my ability to express my thoughts & feelings.  I'm grateful for the freedom & healing that I find in it & I'm SO grateful that those around me see what a special piece of my life it is (even when I sorely neglect it!).  

With that thought in mind I'd like to share something REALLY special that I have been thinking about for the last little while.  The thought first occurred to me when the 19th anniversary of the death of my Father came around this September.  I've been spending some time thinking about it off & on since then & had some very encouraging discussion with my Aunt Susan about it as well.  I'd like to write a biography for my Dad.  The reasoning behind this is purely selfish.  Recently I changed my story about him & in doing so realized that because of the old story I truly know NOTHING ABOUT HIM!  So the best way I know how to solve that problem (because it IS a problem for me) is to apply what has worked so well in my own life - TO WRITE!  So I'm off on what I'm sure will be a MOST incredible journey of discovery & healing!  I'm motivated & reminded of what a gift it is that I have, and how much power is contained in it.  Time to put this gift of mine to monumental use & see where I wind up!  :o)  

Opening Up & Letting Go

WOW!  It's been a LONG time!  I am not sure how long, but some digital timestamp somewhere could tell my readers exactly.  It's not really important though.  The point is that I was laying in bed just now trying to fall asleep with this blog post racing through my mind, and as a consequence & an effort to find restful sleep sooner - here I am.

Early on in my recover - before I even had any recovery to speak of from my drug addiction - one of the first & I believe most critical resolutions I made was to 'tell my story'.  Sharing the message is BIG for me & I can't tell you how many ears ring with my story & how many I have either bored to tears or terrified with my perspectives on life as I process through each day.  Special thanks to my Mom & close family & friends who put up with every minute of me & love me more completely than I think I have the capacity to understand at this point!  Thanks for not being scared anymore & just loving me!  It's such the highlight of my life today!  Blogging has been on my to-do list for months & months...and it's high time I get back to it.

Today is day 41.  I got clean July 26th, 2013, by the grace of God & it is by the grace of God that I am still sober & can't even put into words how amazing my quality of life is most days.  However, today wasn't really one of those quality days.  Don't misunderstand - on ANY day I have QUALITY problems that I wouldn't trade for my problems months ago - not for ANYTHING.  Nonetheless I have my days.

Today was very full.  I experienced terror, courage, exhaustion, pride, support, resourcefulness, hard work, explanation, patience, sorrow, success & achievement, anger, my inner mother bear, self love & self respect, service, companionship, relief & a variety of other things I'm not sure I want to take the time to cover.

Here is the thing I compared this too & realized this is somewhat of a pattern in my life (and in an effort to avoid my disease of being terminally unique figured I'd share....for someone's benefit, even if only my own).  More than a few of my days in early recovery have felt & looked just like today.  One minute I'm soaring gracefully through an amazing sky more elated & capable than you or I can imagine & the next I've lost a wing & I'm completely out of control - not sure how to avoid a life ending crash landing!  In these tailspins no one but God can save me!  I'm happy to say that today the crisis was avoided - thank God, LITERALLY!

The specific analogy that kept me awake tonight was that of a merry-go-round.  This reflection dates back to when I was just 6/7 years old I think & the park near my Grandma Palmer's home in Provo, UT.  I can remember often climbing on this ride only to realize every time without fail that I was too weak to maintain control - that the G force was too much for my weak tiny muscles & it went from enjoyable to terrifying in only a few short moments.  Too many times I recall being totally hysterical begging in my mind for it to stop!  while being so gripped by the fear I was immobilized & couldn't make a sound - never once did the thought enter my mind to just let go, I had to maintain control....

I'm grateful today to have a voice, to speak up when I'm afraid, to use tools - particularly relationship based & spiritual tools to not only prevent disaster in my life, but even more so to prevent fear & terror from ruling my existence.  Today I am capable of changing my state & focusing on other things to move away from my discomfort, or today I can radio in to dozens of resources to ensure I get the instruction I need for a safe landing - whether that is through prayer, a phone call, a meeting, reading, writing, service or time with friends. The chaos doesn't have to always exist & I don't have to ALWAYS be running (creating that incredible G Force)

These things aren't accidents & though I'm a re-tread that's been trying to get my arms around this deal for longer than seems reasonable the presence of these amazing survival gifts have never been part of the equation - for that I am incredibly & immeasurably grateful today!!  For by the grace of God I've made it one more day, another 24 hours & provided I can continue living based solely on these principles I know I'm investing in insurance against picking up a drug & heading down that path again.  What an incredible gift to have a solution to the pain!  :)  I feel so  blessed & fortunate!

TOOT TOOT!

No, I'm sorry, this post is not about farts - or trains.  But since I've got you here, read along. :o)

Rarely am I in the habit of 'tooting my own horn', in fact, for the most part I work CRAZY hard not to.  Most days I'm barely a blip on the map, let alone able to celebrate myself in a healthy way.  I haven't written in a while and I've had a crazy last couple of days - in which the keynote was a HUGE undertaking and subsequent SUCCESS - so I thought, what the hell, Right? :)

I hear on a pretty regular basis comments along the lines of, 'You're SO SMART!', but it for some reason it takes a really stunning accomplishment for that to actually sink in.  LOL  I'm super grateful to have just experienced one such accomplishment!  :)

Wednesday after work I returned a message left by one of my wonderful sisters, to remain unnamed.  She had called about some side work she wanted to offer me (code for she didn't want to do it herself and since she's THE BOSS, she gets to decide what to do and what to pay for - what a life!).  If you missed the recent events affecting my income, let me just briefly say that my past is catching up a bit and my income is being garnished at 15%!!  It was a no-brainer, no matter how challenging the project, or how tight the deadline to accept!

The project I went to work on Wednesday evening was to write 13 articles to be used in a SEM (Search Engine Marketing) campaign, for an industry I knew NOTHING about, and needed to be delivered to said sister 'Saturday'.  I later adjusted the deadline to allow myself ALL OF SATURDAY (12am Sunday), because when I really got into it I was scarred shitless!

Its been a CRAZY couple of days, but I just submitted ALL of the completed articles FOUR AND A HALF HOURS before the deadline!!  I'm so ecstatic!  I am in the midst of doing my Happy/I'm Amazing Dance, and I will honestly admit it's been too long since I got to do this!  Ya'll are missing out!  :o)

That's all she wrote, well not literally!  The end

Restless, Irritable and Discontent

I must say that these three emotions are some of my least favorite in the whole spectrum of emotions I feel/have felt.  I think I dislike them so much mostly because I understand them the least.  There isn't really a solution I have found to them.

Today, for instance...well the last two days really, I have just been feeling blue.  I'm uncomfortable anytime that I'm sitting still.  Fortunately, I'm not in as bad a place as I have been in my history, so I kept my feet moving.  Gratefully, while I was busy I was not so blue.  When I settled back down though and slowed my pace the emptiness and discontent came back.

It's difficult, at best, for me to get through times like this.  I must say, however, that they come far less often than they used to.  I used to live in this state nearly constantly.  I'm happy, even in this state, to say that most days anymore don't feel like this.

I sure do wish though that I knew what to do.  Recently I have had more than a few conversations with family members about 'mental illness that runs in the family'.  I've always held that my depression and other mental defects are situations of moral and choices rather than just a part of my chemical makeup.  I feel this way primarily because when I have made different choices the symptoms are all but non-existent.  Time and time again this theory is proved by the evidence of my experience.

Because I have proved my theory so many times it seems only logical that when I am feeling this way it is due to some part of my existence being in discord with what should be.  It's a pretty good possibility that this discomfort is nothing more than a signaling system, an internal road map if you will.

That's where the dislike comes in.  I don't want to be uncomfortable, and if it's an 'internal job' of acceptance, or the resolution requires some action on my part, I'm mystified, which makes me feel stuck.  I don't like to feel stuck.  I'm a fast paced individual by nature, so sometimes the timing of life leaves much to be desired.  The past few days have felt a lot like that - that I'm just off.

If I could wish for one virtue it would be patience, and the very next one I would wish for - if I had access to a perfecting genie in a bottle, would be able to accept each moment as perfect.  These moments are perfect, says my faith, but they feel anything but - stupid humanity!

This too shall pass...I'll be sure to keep you posted when it does!

Passion & Purpose

I was sitting at my desk the other day, doing a fabulous job at the wonderful company I'm employed for, and it occurred to me that I'm getting burned out.  I wondered why this is happening, when by all appearances things are just spectacular in my life!  Then, during my lunch break, I allowed my mind to wander a little bit.  I was just daydreaming a little and the places that my mind, and even more importantly MY HEART, gravitated to had nothing to do with business, or promotional products, or money, or manufacturing, or ANYTHING that I spend 40+ hours of my life EVERY WEEK DOING!

During my meanderings of thought I started thinking about politics, and service, and people suffering - the millions of prisoners in the prison system or living a life of 'supervised freedom', the children in foster care, the millions around the world devastated by natural disasters, or populations suffering at hands of governments and underdeveloped social circumstances.

My heart aches for all the pain in the world.  I don't know where to go, how to begin, or even what shape my dreams truly take.  This, however, I do know - that I am not living in my passion, and for the first time I recognized the other day that it hurts.

For those of you who know me you know that I am passionate about a LOT of things, and have an opinion about EVERYTHING! :)  One of the things I am MOST passionate about is the populations, no matter where in the world - or why - who are struggling.  I've struggled a LOT in my life and I know how it feels, so my heart aches for those who suffer needlessly, and senselessly.  I hurt even for the people who know better but yet allow themselves to be victims - even if their suffering is due to their own choices, it doesn't make their pain any less real than yours or mine.

Before I started writing this blog I looked up the word passion (I almost wrote 'in' the dictionary, but that would have been a lie!  I looked it up on Dictonary.com - LOL, which is to say I looked it up on the website that's like a dictionary! - ah, information age).  The word passion is a noun, and defined as; any powerful or compelling emotion or feeling.

I truly believe that each of us have a unique set of gifts and talents.  Furthermore, I strongly believe that the life we live, the experiences we have, and each moment shapes us into exactly the person needed to fulfill our destiny in life.  Some of you may be familiar with Purpose Driven Life and other such teachings for life type books.  This is exactly what I'm talking about.  Doing the things that only you can do, and being involved with the things you're passionate about is what this blog is all about.  

I'm not living my purpose, and the closest involvement I have to the things I'm passionate about are FB posts, the occasional news story and my own daydreams - this pathetic & uncomfortable!  I don't know precisely what my purpose is, but I know that (for the most part) I'm very far away from contributing to life how I'd like to.  Don't get me wrong, I'm showing up for a lot of my callings in life.  I'm a functioning member of society, for instance.  I'm a fit mother.  I am currently an excellent employee, a sister, a friend, a girlfriend, etc.  I am a taxpayer, blah blah blah.  It's not that I'm NOT contributing, but rather that I am 'restless, irritable, and discontent' that I'm not contributing to my best and highest use.  

I'm pretty sure that until I am living in my purpose and contributing at my highest potential (which I believe can only happen through doing what I've been created to do) I'm going to be some degree of miserable - and I'm not happy about it.

I was definitely not created to be part of the rat race that I'm currently in.  I don't daydream about business (but I know some people who do), it's just not for me.  So, I'm asking myself - very PUBLICLY how do I get closer to living in my dreams, what steps can I take to get closer to finding the path I know deep in my heart I should be on?  

For today, writing about it is enough - honesty is the first step you know.  Next, I figure out a way for me to earn money doing what I want to be doing, then I suppose we'll see from there.  My eyes and ears are open, and if any of my readers should happen to have a little inspiration about my situation I welcome your suggestions! :)  

Suicide Prevention Day - How Will You Celebrate

A sobering reminder came today when my sister Janet reminded me that my Dad has been gone for 18 years!  Whoa!  I don't often think anymore, as much as I do think about him, exactly how long it's been.  He's been gone longer than he was alive with me, almost twice as long.

I miss him.  I miss all the things I never got to know about him.  I miss all the joy we never got to experience together.  I wish everyday that he got to hold my baby, that he got to teach me to play guitar.  I wish he was here to tell me how proud of me is, or give me advice about how to live my life. I could go on and on about all the emptiness his absence has created in me.  Its a void I'll never feel, but one day pray hope I'm able to forgive and understand my having to live with it.

I had a staggering thought the last time I was in jail, while detoxing.  I was lower than I had ever been.  My depression was inescapable and life was utterly black, staring prison in the face.  A thought came to me one night as I lay alone in my bed, thinking about not wanting to live my life anymore, it was not the first time this thought of suicide has come to my mind.  A few times in the darkest parts of my journey through life I've wanted it to end, but without fail EVERY time the thought has crossed my mind before my next heartbeat the reminder of the pain I feel for my Dad's loss has jerked me back to reality and I've accepted that it's simply not an option.

This lonely night of despair and the reminder, once again, that because of my loss I will NEVER chose that fate made me wonder if maybe my Dad died that I might live.  I certainly have found a great deal of gratitude in this concept, and don't know how real it may or may not be.  His fate has DEFINITELY affected the outcome of my life - so real or not, I'm grateful.

I love my Daddy, in a lost/never known sort of way.  I love the idea of a Daddy, because I never really got to know one.  So this is my tribute to suicide prevention today.  Everyone is touched by it, some bear scars more deeply than others, some will bear scars they wished they never knew in years to come.  I pray for those affected, and for those still suffering.  I hope your hearts, and the hearts of all of us, can be open to understanding, acceptance and love.  Love them where they are, and pray that God finds them and their loved ones, no matter the outcome.  Cherish the love you have, and share it with the world!  Share it with strangers, tell your story and shine your light.

Well I Never!!

How many of you, I'm curious, caught what I was trying to get across with the title?  If you missed it, let me elaborate, cause it's important!  :o)  Say the title in your head like you are an astounded woman of approximately 80+ years old witnessing PDA. LMAO!  Got it?  Good!

Now onto the explanation of why that is such the fitting title for this post.  Ladies and gentleman, and the rest of you unruly folk :)  I AM TERMINATED FROM PROBATION!  The AMAZING Mike Lastowski, public defender who is truly a servant and a remarkable man of the law, finally got me on the calendar for Judge Ludlow in the Washington County Fifth District Court on Tuesday September 4th, 2012 and filed a motion to terminate my supervised probation and close my case.  He had to push a little, but it was a success!

After being on probation since April of 2011, in and out of jail throughout that time, and witnessing the UGLY VERY REAL STATISTICS OF FAILURE, I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD SEE THIS DAY COME!

So, I'll say again, 'Well I Never!'.  :o)   I'm so unbelievably excited for this chapter of my life, the chapter where I am a slave to the system and in constant fear of it, to be finally closed!  I am unbelievably grateful and elated to have this dream come true!  It's not every day that I find myself an outlier in what is normally a bell curve that is 85% strong!  I feel proud and amazed!  Who would have thought that I'm in the 15%?? Sure, I was telling myself 2 years ago that I could be, if I wanted to be, but there have been many times my confidence has been non-existent!  Truly, God is doing for me, what I cannot do for myself.

I go out from here determined to continue to move onward and upward, hoping to give back with some of what I've been so blessed with.

The Miracle of Normality

Today I had a more amazing and wonderful experience than I have had in a REALLY LONG TIME!  Ready, wait for it, I WENT TO THE DENTIST FOR A CLEANING!

Your giggling right?  Well you shouldn't be, this is really a miracle & PROOF that God is doing for me what I cannot do for myself!!  You see, my history with dental work has been nothing but a series of emergencies, the most recent of which landed me in the ER being heavily sedated/medicated to stop the nerve pain in my face.

One time when I was in Middle School I learned how to smile with my lips shut & laugh covering my mouth because I had a cavity that was black & covered nearly the whole front of a front tooth.

A few months ago I was down at the 4th Street Clinic, a clinic that serves the homeless in Salt Lake City, with Alan & they happened to have news crews there covering the celebration of them getting a federal grant to expand the clinic.  The expansion was to include dental services as well as additional other services.  I was all too happy to share my story and my take on what dental care might mean to this portion of the population.  I won't go into detail about that here, so as not to distract from my MIRACLE today, but if you're interested you can read that article here.

You see, it wasn't long ago that I was a part of that population & didn't see an end to my suffering in sight.  Well, ALL that changed today, and the outcome was better than expected.  I have some cavities, but they'll be cleared up in 3 appointments, maybe 2!

I am beyond ecstatic over such a seemingly normal & silly little thing, but it's all about your perspective I suppose.  I heard in a room once; 'When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change'.  That seems all too fitting at the moment.  The next time you're dreading going to the dentist or your child is throwing a tantrum perhaps you pull out of your proverbial hat mention of the 'girl you know who couldn't be more grateful to have the opportunity to go to the dentist instead of finding herself in a situation of unbearable pain, yet again'.

I am indeed grateful, and all I did to deserve it is show up for life. :)  Funny how He works like that!  One day at I time I don't really realize how much closer I am getting, step by step, to having a normal life again.  I so very much appreciate the moments that I'm granted the grace of being able to put things in their proper perspective & be grateful for the dentist!

More Musical Inspiration :o) I'm on a ROLL!

On the way home from doing some service at my Sponsor's house just now I heard another of my ABSOLUTE FAVORITE songs!  It's by the AMAZING band Mumford & Sons.  The song I speak of is 'Roll Away Your Stone'.

For me, SO many of the songs this band sings give me SO much inspiration.  Some commentary I have this song specifically is that it's all about my addiction, and what it will take to overcome it, why it IS the journey that it IS!

Roll away your stone, I'll roll away mine
Together we can see what we will find
Don't leave me alone at this time,
For I am afraid of what I will discover inside

You told me that I would find a hole,
Within the fragile substance of my soul
And I have filled this void with things unreal,
And all the while my character it steals

Darkness is a harsh term don't you think?
And yet it dominates the things I seek

It seems that all my bridges have been burned,
But, you say that's exactly how this grace thing works
It's not the long walk home 
that will change this heart,
But the welcome I receive with the restart

Darkness is a harsh term don't you think?
And yet it dominates the things I seek
Darkness is a harsh term don't you think?
And yet it dominates the things I seek
Darkness is a harsh term don't you think?
And yet it dominates the things I seek

Stars hide your fires,
And these here are my desires
And I will give them up to you this time around
And so, I'll be found 
with my steak stuck in this ground
Marking its territory of this newly impassioned soul
hide your fires,
these are my desires
And I will give them up to you this time around
And so, I'll be found 
with my stake stuck in this ground
Marking its territory of this newly impassioned soul

But you, you've gone too far this time
You have neither reason nor rhyme
With which to take this soul that is so rightfully mine
Its such a BEAUTIFUL picture of my recovery.  What the past has been, the challenges life holds, and the ultimate RESOLUTION and CLAIM that I personally HAD to make to begin to do something different!  Music is amazing for my soul!  

The Devastating Scarring of Suicide

Since I was 10 years old the sting and trauma of suicide has been a wedge between every relationship, a rain-cloud overhead, a hole in my heart, a nightmare to escape, and so on & so forth.

For me, the only value I've found (thus-far) in this scar I bear and the way it affects my life, has been that through the darkness that I've known, NEVER have I thought this was a solution for me; for that I am SO VERY grateful!

Then the other day I had the first of what may turn out to be many experiences to share my insight.  A friend that I'd prefer to remain anonymous was VERY serious about committing suicide.  This woman has been through a LOT, she has pain that I hope to never understand and she came to a point that she believed there was nothing left, except her hurt.

The following are a series of text messages that I sent to her that explain better than I've ever been able to express before this time, how I feel about suicide and WHAT it truly is.  Posting this on my blog is merely an effort to hopefully make this insight useful to others, and my NO means is a way to 'toot my own horn', I don't have any business tooting any horns, but I do hope that my experience can benefit others.

**CAUTION - THERE IS SOME EXPLICIT LANGUAGE**

"So I must say that considering you are a woman I have earned a GREAT deal of respect for due to your immense ability to love and give so passionately you've blown my mind with the path that you're threatening, and I might add that you are being taken very seriously.  For what its worth I thought it was important to give you the REALITY OF WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT DOING, because you are VERY CONFUSED about it & I hope with all my heart that something in what I have to say hits home."

"First off, while I've had my own share of horrific pain, I CANNOT relate to your loss of ***.  I can't imagine!  That said, while I don't personally understand there are people EVERYWHERE who do, and are not making the choice you are, so get it out of your head that there is no answer, no healing, no way..."

"Next, you mentioned ending the pain, & you need to understand that NOTHING IS FARTHER FROM THE TRUTH!!  The reality that I want you to be aware of is that if you fulfill your desire to stop hurting YOUR PAIN DOES NOT DISAPPEAR!!!  Rather, the truth is that your pain is transferred, it's transferred to ***, ****, your grandchildren, your family, everyone you've EVER KNOWN!  No one will be grateful, no one will understand, everyone will be scarred beyond recognition, and carry the burden of your SELFISHNESS & WEAKNESS for generations to come!!  IT WILL NEVER GO AWAY!!  Right now you carry it alone & I believe you that it's unbearable, but for WHATEVER REASON IT'S YOURS TO BEAR!"

Having lost my Dad to the same fate, albeit a much younger age, let me paint the future of the people who care about you.  Beyond the years of initial numbness, devastation & struggle to survive then there comes the anger & pain & emptiness that will overshadow EVERY JOY that they deserve to experience FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES!!  It will never leave.  For instance, the birth of a child, starting/finishing school, marriages, birthdays, EVERY holiday, places, songs, people, right down to the moments when they are hurting & only need you."

"When you built relationships, got married, made friends, & ABOVE ALL ELSE BROUGHT A CHILD INTO THIS WORLD, YOU GAVE UP YOUR RIGHT TO BE SELFISH LIKE THIS!!!  Your life in ALL of those constructive moments became LESS & LESS ABOUT YOU!"

"Find answers, reach out for HELP.  Call someone, go somewhere, ANYWHERE.  Get off your ass, dust yourself off & don't quit.  Not for you, because you want to.  I DON'T GIVE A FUCK WHETHER OR NOT YOU WANT TO LIVE.  WHO THE FUCK GAVE YOU THE IMPRESSION THAT ITS YOUR CHOICE TO MAKE!!"

"That's all, my hands are clean now & all you'll have from me from this point on is my prayers...Somewhere in you, I know you know I'm right & I know you have the strength & courage to do something about this I believe."

That was the end of the conversation & really honestly it felt so good to finally be able to express what it REALLY means to lose someone to that fate.

Little Miss

I heard the most inspiring song by Sugarland today!  The song is 'Little Miss'.  The lyrics are below...

"Little Miss"

Little miss done on love
Little miss, I give up
Little miss, I'll get tough, don't you worry about me anymore
Little miss checkered dress
Little miss, one big mess
Little miss, I'll take less when I always give so much more

It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
Yeah, sometimes you gotta lose 'til you win
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
It'll be alright again
It'll be alright again, I'm okay
It'll be alright again, I'm okay (I'm okay)
It'll be alright again, I'm okay

Little miss, do your best
Little miss, never rest
Little miss, be my guest, I'll make more anytime that it runs out
Little miss, you'll go far
Little miss, hide your scars
Little miss, who you are is so much more than you like to talk about

It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
Yeah, sometimes you gotta lose 'til you win
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
It'll be alright again
It'll be alright again, I'm okay
It'll be alright again, I'm okay (I'm okay)
It'll be alright again, I'm okay

Hold on
Hold on, you are loved
Are loved...

Little miss, brand new start
Little miss, do your part
Little miss, big old heart beats wide open and she's ready now for love

It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
Yeah, sometimes you gotta lose 'til you win
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
It'll be alright again
It'll be alright again, I'm okay
It'll be alright again, I'm okay (I'm okay, it'll be alright again)
I'm okay! (It'll be alright again)

I played this song over and over while I worked today.  What a beautiful picture of just holding on. :)

Coming Back & Where I Am...I've been here too long

Let me just start out by saying that I HAVE MISSED MY BLOG! I miss writing...along with being sad for not achieving a goal that I had set, better late than never. (Also let me add that I'm supposed to be working & my boss is probably gonna kill me!) - She's a reader for sure, even if she wasn't I'm in the habit - a GOOD habit contrary to popular belief in one of the subcultures to which I belong - of telling on myself.

Anyways....so what brought me out of this funk? I know you're DYING to know about what specifically I just could NOT stand to not share. What made me put my foot down? I stumbled across this on a blog & wanted to re-share it. The reason is because I have never before had my feelings & emotions about my depression, drug addiction, 'acting out' behavior, struggle with relationships, etc defined SO clearly! I hear it in 'the rooms' a lot, I know people who know the hell that I know, maybe everyone knows the hell I know... Never though have I read something.

The reading is written as a teenager writing a letter to his/her parents. The original blogpost I saw this on is located here. Just FYI, the cutting doesn't apply to my situation particularly. I want to encourage ANYONE who knows someone who is struggling in their life, whether it be drugs, alcohol, depression, thoughts of ending it, or violence, to share this letter with them as mentioned in the blogpost. There is nothing more important than helping that person not feel so alone. (I've bolded parts that I specifically would have included if I were to re-write this for myself). I'd say enjoy but....I bet it won't be any more pleasant for you than it is for me.

“Given all the things I’m doing that have disappointed you, I’m hoping you won’t just see this as another excuse or a way of manipulating you, both of which I’m very capable of doing and during other times have even been a master at.

In fact I’ve been so good at doing both of those, I’m afraid to tell you what I’m about to and have you think I’m just being dramatic and only trying to get attention or get out of taking responsibility for my actions and paying the consequences for them.

Today, I have a little bigger fish to fry.

I’m losing it. I’m losing my mind, my sense of who I am, of where I belong, and I’m spending more and more time wondering if life is worth living.

I know I don’t have any reason to feel like ending it, I know that so many people have it worse than me, I even know that I have all the reasons to live. I just don’t feel any of them.

I have felt alone for some time now. It hasn’t been a few days or even a few weeks. It’s been at least months.

Also the intensity of rage that I feel not only chills you — which I know is why you back off when it gets really ugly between us — it chills me.

I hate hating you more than I hate you. When I hate you at the level I’m capable of hating you I feel like destroying things. That has escalated and finally shifted to thinking of just destroying me.

But in reality, I don’t want to destroy anything, I just want to destroy the pain I feel and make it go away. But it won’t go away and I can’t make it.

The reasons I drink, do drugs and cut on myself — all of which scare the shit out of you — are because they all relieve me. When I’m stone cold sober and drug free and the pain and the craziness intensifies, all I can think about is numbing myself. I don’t do alcohol and drugs to get high, I do them to get by. And when I cut on myself, which terrorizes you, I feel like I’m cutting out the pain or at the very least that I’m feeling something. And that gives me relief from the pain of feeling nothing.

Assuming you won’t rub my face in this — which might actually wake me up or push me over the edge, but I don’t think you want to play Russian roulette with me — you’ll probably ask me what you can do to help.

And I wish I had an answer to tell you.

Actually the answer I’d like to tell you, I am telling you by telling you this message and hoping you’ll “just listen.”

I think the hole in my being and the missingness at my core needs warmth from you mom — occasional kindness from pathetic, rational, lecturing, clueless dad is not the same — which I either think you can’t get to because all of us — including dad — fight you or because you no longer have any warmth, either because you didn’t get it from grandma or because it got worn out by all of us.

Dad, you’re not off the hook in this. I think you run interference between mom and me and try to keep the peace and then I think you find your home away from home when you get away to go to work or travel for work or play sports with your buddies.

Maybe a start would be if I saw each of you making the effort to understand me especially when you have no chance of really achieving it.

There is a good chance that neither of you will be able to understand me because I am as different from you as you are from each other, but it might help if I saw you continuing to try and continuing to ask or say things to me like:

‘Tell me what’s happening and how you feel in another way, because I see that I’m not getting it and I want to get it. And then tell me at its worst, what that’s like.’

And if I push you away, you might do well to stand firm and say, ‘We can’t go away because as your parents we can’t allow you to feel so alone in hell and we’ve got to do whatever we can to get you out. Sorry to tick you off, it’s in the parents rule book which you’ll figure out when you become one.’ One of my friend’s parents actually sleeps outside her room on the floor which my friend both resents and feels safer with.

More importantly I think it might help if I saw you not getting so frustrated and throwing your hands up, because I keep pushing back and won’t agree to what you think should make me feel better. Going along with it to get you off my back hasn’t worked and actually makes me feel worse.

I think I can live with the pain, I just can’t live with suffering. I think the suffering happens when I feel alone in my pain for a long period of time and it doesn’t let up.

I think if I could feel less alone from the inside out, I could listen to what you and the world are telling me from the outside it.

Feeling alone is feeling that I am unpaired with what everyone seems to have.

Being unpaired with a future worth living causes me to feel hopeless; being unpaired with any help that I or others can provide causes me to feel helpless; being unpaired with a reason to go on causes me to feel that everything is both pointless and meaningless; and being unpaired with doing or accomplishing all the things I’m supposedly capable of causes me to feel worthless.

And feeling unpaired with all of those things cause me to feel des-pair.

I feel like I am trapped in a deep dark cold mine shaft, have run out of food and water and am running out of oxygen and time.

I keep hearing people digging to find me. I hear them thinking they have found me and are all excited. But what I know that they don’t know is that they’re digging in the wrong direction because one of them got a glimpse of a doll in a different mine shaft that I left there many years ago and everyone thinks it’s me.”

This came on the heels of me just telling my Aunt yesterday on FB that I appreciate her checking in with me (and remembering me in her prayers) because it can sometimes feel so lonely & that is truly unbearable. I'm so grateful to have that love in my life, to know that I don't have to endure that!

Today, I'm so happy to just know that at least I'm able to express these things. At least I have a way, people who love me enough to listen, that I haven't fried my brain to the point that I can't use it to communicate anymore, etc. Awareness is a big deal in my life - now & always. I hope I'm able to use this awareness for something to create great change in my own life & to be able to bless the lives of others.

P.S. I dislike it when people treat me as if I am 'their problem', please don't take this as me trying to play the victim or make me 'your problem'. All I'm saying is that I'm willing to admit that I have problems, whether or not I can manage them on my own is yet to be determined. Honesty is not just the best policy but it typically needs to be the first policy when one is implementing change!

Southern Utah Basket Brigade

This is an extraordinary event that I feel SO blessed to be a part of! The more I get involved (I'm the organizer of a charity garage sale this Saturday, November 13th) the more & more excited I get about providing this amazing service to some of the families in need in our community!

This event is so unique, given that it focuses on Thanksgiving rather than Christmas during 'the holidays'. I missed out last year when my family participated in a much larger scale event in Las Vegas, NV. I've been jealous hearing them rave about it all year long & watching their excitement for this event build as we get closer to the day of the event (because they've already experienced the wonder of it!). :)

Things like this are the wonderful direction that Dani's life is heading! :) I am so fortunate to be in the position I'm in (yes you read those words correctly)!! While I don't have the income currently that I want in order to pursue my preferred lifestyle I am SO grateful NOT to be tied down by a lifestyle that demands that I work full time, manage extensive amounts of bills, etc.

I LOVE that I am free to donate my time to events like this one, or attending UPW on the drop of a dime (not sure if I mentioned this previously but EVERYTHING for getting me to NYC came together in 24 HOURS!), being able to take time taking care of my mom who has been struggling with some health issues, spending time with Gavin, being absolutely certain that I am available to just do 'the next right thing'.

Nothing compares to the amazing amounts of inspiration I have/continue to receive, how wonderful total freedom to be at the service of others feels - knowing with absolute certainty that this will provide a better life for me than ANYTHING I could be doing for myself!! I am soaking up how OUTSTANDING what I am contributing to the world feels. Its such simple little things, for the most part, not a lot of time, not a lot of hard work or expertise - it's just me being available to the direction I receive & being able to 'give back' to the Lord, my family, the community & the world just as they have so selflessly given to me. Oh this beautiful thing, service, how it makes the world go round. I'm SO grateful to be free to do as much of it as I am! There DEFINITELY must be a service orientation to what I settle into once I do get a job or start down a career path, otherwise I think I'll just have to retire now & become a full time volunteer! LOL

**If you are able to volunteer, contribute to the garage sale, donate for the purchase of the basket materials visit www.utahbasketbrigade.com for more information. You are also MORE than welcome to email me with any questions you have, or just to say HI! :)

Interesting Perspective - A New One! :)

My Mom posted an interesting status on FB today about music, something that she taught me. You might have caught onto this already; she noted in her post how music speaks her heart...something along those lines. Many times I have reiterated those exact sentiments, especially since being 'plugged in' almost non-stop since jail.

Well just now something VERY curious happened. One of my FAVORITE songs (its a long list...this one really comes close to the top based on a video I saw & have shared continuously though) came on my IPod & for the FIRST time I looked at it in a new light, a new perspective - one that brought me IMMENSE JOY that I couldn't help sharing. * I'll note that this has been happening a LOT in the last little while!! This song, Lifehouse 'Everything' (lyrics) has always been a song has had a couple meanings to me since I first heard it. Initially it was about my husband/love of my life, then I saw the video & it became a song about my Savior, obviously.

Well tonight as I listened to this song I realized that this song is about ME! NEVER BEFORE HAVE I FELT COMPLETE & TOTAL ACCEPTANCE FOR MYSELF! How I have failed to credit myself in my life is unbelievable to me! Don't get me wrong, there is a HUGE place in my world for God, for my Savior, though my beliefs are still in their infancy & continue to grow.

I've never loved myself this way though & it feels amazing to be in awe of myself like this. I'd like to tell myself to balance, to be careful not to get carried away, but NAY! There is no way I want to diminish ANY part of this passion I have for the beautiful & powerful woman I am. I'll count on those around me who love me to keep this in check if the time comes that it's needed, for now I'm just going to bask in this like a warm fire would feel to someone who has been in Arctic for the last 15 years or so! :o) Oh, what I would have given to always feel this way! The gratitude I feel for myself & those who blessed my life to help me get to this point takes my breath away!

Now You Meet Dani

I honestly can say that Jane is NOT my personality in control of who I am today. SUCCESS!! Ah...it feel SO good!

I just got done with the most amazingly energetic day I could have possibly imagined. I feel more centered, more alive, more focused, more driven, more capable than my body/mind/soul/spirit could have ever FATHOMED POSSIBLE! :o) (silly little emoticons could never come close to replicating this energy, nor could my unreasonably talented gift for words EVER come close to expressing this true & powerful state & certainty I feel...but if I can't I MUST, so here I am trying!)

One of the things I notice most about myself in this state (raw power & direction) is that because it is new I tend to be very chaotic with it. Tony described in the seminar a breakthrough moment he experienced where he wrote 3 notebooks in a single day, breaking only 1 time for a quick meal because his arm was hurting (I feel that way a lot of times).

However, the single thing that calms me & harnesses this raw energy that is so untrained is my writing, so here I am. I want to cement what I have been through these last few days & in an effort to bring myself to the world I figured the best place to do that is give it to you now, not write it my journal to add to the blog in some organized/'right way' later. I am right, right now. As it comes out will be absolutely perfect so here it is.

What I want to give you all tonight is what I've found, myself/Dani, through this INTENSE process over the last 5 days or so (starting from the time I committed to attending the seminar Tuesday evening).

I am unstoppable. Everything that I need is available to me & I will take whatever I want from the world. The things that stop me in my life are the bullshit stories that I choose to allow to limit me. The truth is I have limitless power! I am loved and valued beyond anything that my mind can understand, EVERY MOMENT! The times I will feel that love & value with the greatest intensity is through creating value in the world & loving others. What I have to give to the world in every aspect of my life that I can imagine is worth infinitely more than any value I have yet to experience in my life (the infinite sacrifice of my Savior comes to mind only because I could never hope to understand the magnitude & total impact of such a sacrifice & gift, such is the mindset of what I describe for myself).

Now I am the voice. I will lead not follow. I will believe not doubt. I will create not destroy. I am a force for good. I am a a force for God. I am a leader. Defy the odds. Set a new standard. Step up. STEP UP!

I am outstanding, always have been, always will be. It is true that Jane has always stood out. Now instead of being reinforced & valued because I am broken & consuming energy from the world in that manner I choose to step up. To step out of Jane & live as Dani has always wanted to - having inspiration, love, gratitude fuel me & drive me to the outstanding life I will create for myself & allow others to bless me with!

I've arrived at a new peak in my life. In this month of Thanks there is nothing in my vocabulary that I could share with you if I wrote non-stop for the rest of my life that could convey the truth I feel about the gratitude & pure love I have for those who have come before me, created this possibility, taught me these skills, shared their experience, helped awaken my soul, expected more/not settled, showed me a way. My heart is so full, with tears streaming down my face I thank you. Thank you to every single person who ever expected more of me, who's heart ever ached for me, anyone who ever had a prayer that I would find a way, ever believed in me that I could & would find my purpose, discover my core, be happy, achieve great things - your dreams/my dreams have come true. Thank you for not losing your hope, each & every person in my life & in the UNIVERSE that has held onto the belief that there is MORE & chose to not settle is one ray in the lighthouse that has guided me to this new beginning! Thank you... You know who you are - and if you don't attend UPW & find out! LOL :o)

Its Time You Meet Jane

Some time ago in one of Dustins letters, shortly after his sentencing, he listed what he called a portion of his 'prison playlist' that was devoted to me - sounds gruesome a little, I know. Anyway, one of the songs that appeared on this list (songs that he thought of me during or spoke of his love to me, etc) was 'Jane Says' by Jane's Addiction.

I have known this song for years without having any real exposure to Jane's Addiction. Last summer Dustin & I saw Jane's Addiction perform in an amphitheater just outside Pittsburgh with NIN while we were living there. It was an amazing show & I found myself drawn to a lot of their music, particularly this, their theme song.

The story behind the song, as well as the name of the band, is cited on Wikipedia as 'The new band was dubbed "Jane's Addiction" in honor of Farrell's housemate, Jane Bainter, who was addicted to drugs. (I assume heroin given the time & the lyrics of the song)

When I read the letter I thought to myself, 'That's not me. I'm not that bad. I'm not a prostitute.' & pretty much dismissed it. Then the day I got home from the reunion I was standing in a gas station getting a drink & the song came on my IPod. I listened to the lyrics, remembering his words, 'So many of the things he says about her or she says I have heard you say or things I have seen you do.'. Let me be clear that there was no offense intended in this statement, nor was any taken.

On the exact opposite note I was moved to tears as I recognized myself as Jane, for the first time. No, I'm not a prostitute, nor have I ever been. Just about every aspect of the song speaks to me, my approach to my addiction, my false beliefs about it, my fear, my pain, my hopelessness, the lies...

Today as I leave for NYC, to attend UPW I embark on this terrifying journey with ONE GOAL IN MIND: TO LEAVE JANE IN NEW YORK. It seems like a great city for her, she'll enjoy it & I'll be free! I know full well that this is absolutely obtainable & it is the one thing that I want to focus on while I'm there!

I have never done anything so scary as this in my life, but here goes...boarding my plane to the place where I will leave Jane. May she rest in peace. She is such a powerful girl/woman. She has done so much for me in my life but there is so much more that I want & need out of life. I don't want to just 'survive' with her anymore. I want to FLY! Jane will never know how to fly, only Dani can fly!

Stuck...or I was

I've felt a sense of 'being stuck' over the last several months since being released from jail. I didn't really attribute this completely to my own fault until recently - like today. This is not to say that I'm not pretty close to the MOST introspective & self-evaluating person I know, because I am by a long shot. Just today though I gained a little bit of a new perspective on my struggles, my failings, my circumstances.

For the last two days I've been feeling very frustrated & a little bit hopeless about things again. I've been thinking a lot about where I'm stumbling. I know that I know what to do in all of the problems I face, I know what is 'right'. It is NOT a lack of knowledge, it is NOT a lack of skill, it is NOT a lack of will or desire (I've spent a LOT of time in the last few months with tears of despair running down my cheeks - so confused, so lost)...yet even with these things, my circumstances persist. I am stuck.

I've been told my whole life how talented I am, how much I have to give the world. I've always heard that I am 'lucky'. I'm reminded of a specific example of this mentality I have encountered almost everywhere I've gone. When I was about 16 a friend of mine, who I love dearly & happened to be quite a few years older than me, said something along the lines of how lucky I was & how he pretty much despised me for how I could take such a natural & amazing ability to feel/hear the spirit & neglect it like I did. He told me how unfair it was for me to take the power I'd been given & the testimony I'd received & waste it the way I did. His point was that he & so many others would give anything to get what I have so naturally & begged me to utilize it & to reach my potential (he may have said almost those exact words).

Getting this feedback from the world has always left me feeling quite baffled. It wasn't just spiritual & religious things, it was almost everything in my life; grades I achieved in school, parenting skills, communication skills, my writing, my empathy, my ability to express myself, work ethic, being a quick learner, problem solving...everyone seemed to think I shined. I was always at a loss, not just because I didn't see what they saw but because I felt the exact opposite about myself. Sure, I could see I often did well, but I never FELT good. I never saw myself as a success, let alone a shinning star...until jail.

While I was in jail I allowed myself to really see myself clearly for the first time ever. It wasn't a fleeting moment I experienced either. I began to live life as that girl/woman that I heard described to me my whole life, the woman that those around in me had seen & praised always, I lived as my true self. It felt amazing! I felt complete certainty for the first time in my life & it brought me more joy than I can ever remember feeling. I was completely secure knowing that I could, & would, conquer anything that I came across in my life & that I would continue to be educated & grow throughout my life by the amazing experiences I would have (the good & the bad).

That woman could have never imagined being 'here' again. I could not see myself losing sight of that person I was, that life I was living. There was NO way I would have considered myself CAPABLE of letting go of the power, the feeling, the future that I was holding!! Yet here I am, stuck, full circle.

When I turned on my IPod (I hope ya'll never tire of hearing about my music - it has such an amazing impact on me) one of the first songs I listened to was 'Season for Courage'. The song begins with the lyrics: 'Every road is paved with chances, to step up to higher ground. You can see your destination, but the sun is going down. Its a season for courage, where ever you are. Stand up a little taller. Season for courage, the time is right now. Don't you know you just can't lose, all you gotta do is choose. And its a season for courage.' This song came on just after I had taken a walk to the temple & listened to church music while I journaled for a short time. The essence of my journal entry (after feeling lost & confused all day) was ACTION.

My approach to life has been to REACT instead of ACT. There have been several times I have made new plans, new resolutions, ways to prevent the crisis in the future. Almost without exception I have failed to take ACTION on these plans. Any time I begin to think about moving in the right direction I meet opposition. Usually it's some non-threatening distraction. Then before I know it, I'm stuck & what has me stuck is more serious. Perhaps it's another relapse, maybe it's not having seen Gavin enough or failing to meet obligations. It's definitely not having a job, having no money. Maybe I'm avoiding family functions, or I've started telling small lies that will sooner than later develop into chunks of my life being facades that I'm holding up for the world because I'm so broken up.

It doesn't matter how slowly it sneaks up on me, whether it starts small or big, the point is that if I allow myself to back down to the opposition, to be distracted from the ACTION I need to be taking (the next right thing - whatever it is) then without fail it is NO TIME at all before I am so miserable about life & the loss of that woman that I'm back escaping life; whether its drugs, running away, sex, gambling, take your pick of addictive behaviors.

My last post was about my focus; choosing to focus on the solution, not the problem. Once my focus is in place I am always given the correct 'next right step' or the opportunity is provided to me. I have no trouble ever examining my situation, finding the path that will lead me out, a variety of options I can choose. The next right thing is ALWAYS to keep my feet moving. Success, health, survival, recovery, joy, getting the chance to live as that beautiful woman again, and experiencing the amazing life she is destined for are ALL dependent on my ability to avoid being stuck. I need to just take the next step. The first step is the longest stride, it's true, but I know now why I am 'One of the Lucky Ones'.

I'm watching some photographs

Of a terrible loss

And nobody seems to be sure

How much damage was done

Or how much it will cost

Why am I one of the lucky ones?

Why can I fly when so many cannot run?

And why does a stranger

Who's dreams were denied

Have me wondering why

I'm one of the lucky ones

I am a lucky one

Don't know how this could be fair

To be one of the lucky ones

Could have been me who could have been there

I can hear the voices unspoken

They're calling my name

And the eyes of those who've been broken

Keep on staring at me

Begging me to explain

Why am I one of the lucky ones

Why can I fly

When so many cannot run

And why does a stranger

Who's dreams were denied

Have me wondering why

I'm one of the lucky ones

This yearning I feel

It won't go quietly, no

The answer I seek

Is somewhere inside of me

Why am I one of the lucky ones?

Now I know why I'm one of the lucky ones

And I know why I can fly when so many cannot run

A strangers misfortune

Brings a promise to light

That I'll do what's right

And feel someones plight

And help them take flight

Like one of the lucky ones

I'm sure I've mentioned the significance of 'flying' here before - more to come on my blog with Dustin about that in the future. I definitely know how to fly. I definitely have the opportunity to help so many take flight. I AM ONE OF THE LUCKY ONES!

Just as a newly hatched bird I will continue to attempt flight until I have mastered the use of my wings - wings I only just found! I hope to conquer 'being stuck' more quickly, with more efficiency & have it happen less often!! Just thinking of a time when feeling lost is only a fading memory warms my heart & gives me so much hope.

I'm not sure right now how many pieces to this puzzling life there are, but I am so grateful to have been given one more & to be aware of it's value & where it goes! As the immortal Beatles taught me, 'It's getting better all the time'!!!

Top of Mind

I first learned this concept as a business principal, taught to me over & over again. It's a principal because its ALWAYS true, it's what you strive after in business...it's what MATTERS!

Top of mind, for those of you not familiar, is the key to the success of most business, particularly those with ANY marketing involved - all of them pretty much. Essentially, the concept is just that in order to sell anything or provide your service your customer has to think of YOU FIRST! Your customer must have you on the 'top of their mind' any time they think of that product or service, you have to be the answer!

I'm realizing today how important what is on the 'top of my mind' is! It's not that I haven't known this before but I was updating my FB status today & noticed how much I wish my feelings & thoughts reflected the state today that I was in on Monday. I turned to a friend & said; 'I always put what's true on my status, but I wish that were true today still....'.

Monday Status:

Dani North is feeling ecstatic about this amazing sense of acceptance I'm feeling, the energy my hope is creating, & is grateful for the productivity and action I'm able to take. I'm also SO grateful for the gifts of life, the daily reminders of the greatness of my Father & the blessing of his hand in my life!

Today:

Dani North wants Monday's feeling back. Working hard to let go, love, do the next right thing & be still... Don't quit before the miracle comes!!

It dawned on me as I was putting that statement in that both times it was just about what I was focused on. I was focused on celebrating Monday, I was full of gratitude, focused on how engaged I was in the solution. Last night, yesterday, this morning, I was focused on the problem, on criticizing my situation...again. I was focused on deficiencies, on needs not what I have already. I definitely want to implement a plan of action that will help me to develop a habit of being aware of what is on the top of my mind at all times & if it's not the solution, celebrating, gratitude, positive thoughts then immediately take action to correct that.

What is on the top of your mind? I'm grateful in this moment to be aware of how drastically this impacts EVERYTHING in my life: emotions, goals, sanity, progress, success, relationships...EVERYTHING!

A song on my motivational playlist (well several) come to mind: Incubus 'Drive', Lee Ann Womack 'I Hope You Dance', Natasha Beddingford 'Unwritten'. I'm chuckling kind of cause I consider myself a fairly good driver, have a great time dancing & apparently REALLY enjoy writing. :o) Here goes, driving with confidence, dancing in the storms of life & enjoying the journey, & writing my happy ending.

Introducing a Hero

So I just stumbled across my sister's blog/website, Krista Black. Krista is the oldest in my family & as a result I have always looked up to her & been guided by her in MANY WAYS! I have worked for Krista since the time I was about 11 years old. In fact, the majority of my working career has been with her, in one job or another. I have worked for her in real estate, communications, hard money lending, real estate management, etc. Much of my knowledge & skills are spawned from her.

The older that I get the more I realize that Krista is my original hero. Sure, I love the things that a lot of people do & there are a lot of people that I'd like to be like when I grow up. It's also true that Krista comes with a history of human error, lots of things you could criticize....if you wanted to, and imperfection (this is what I love the most). For reasons I can't explain we are more alike than any of my other siblings & sometimes that scares me, but more of the time I am incredibly grateful.

In addition to her being a 'rising star' in my life, (someone who continually shows me there is more to our world than first meets the eye, that anyone can make a difference in their own lives, to live out loud & proud), I realized just now that she's not just my original hero but she's also been the source of some of the greatest support I've received in my life! She has ALWAYS been there for me, always loved me, always done everything she can to support me through my struggles! Beginning from the time I was 12 years old & lived with her for the first time because she wanted me to have a chance. She's always done ANYTHING in her power to give me that chance in life!

She has unselfishly shared her wisdom, knowledge, passion & experience with me over the years & sometimes she has just cried with me. There are so many things that she has to be proud of. Her life is full & well accomplished, her mastery of herself, her learning & her family shine as a result of her diligence to her goals in these areas continually take priority in her life.

Entering a New Phase

Not only am I moving but SO IS DUSTIN! They finally transported him to the prison. I feel like I got my head knocked off the way I did when he got sentenced, like I was prepared then, 'WHAM! The hell you are!!!'! :(

This is short & sweet cause I need to get a letter out to him... :( If anyone on here wants to write him he needs all the love he can get (I'll say again). My focus on my own health (for him in the long run but still...) leaves him seriously wanting & I could use all the help I can get with support for him.

For those of you not familiar (not that I am all that familiar) he gets very little property, no phone calls, no free time, etc when he is in R & O (receiving & orientation) for the first several weeks he is at the prison. Basically it is like lockdown for him. Any mail he receives will be his best & likely ONLY gift while he's there.

Show him some love if you can!