Stuck...or I was

I've felt a sense of 'being stuck' over the last several months since being released from jail. I didn't really attribute this completely to my own fault until recently - like today. This is not to say that I'm not pretty close to the MOST introspective & self-evaluating person I know, because I am by a long shot. Just today though I gained a little bit of a new perspective on my struggles, my failings, my circumstances.

For the last two days I've been feeling very frustrated & a little bit hopeless about things again. I've been thinking a lot about where I'm stumbling. I know that I know what to do in all of the problems I face, I know what is 'right'. It is NOT a lack of knowledge, it is NOT a lack of skill, it is NOT a lack of will or desire (I've spent a LOT of time in the last few months with tears of despair running down my cheeks - so confused, so lost)...yet even with these things, my circumstances persist. I am stuck.

I've been told my whole life how talented I am, how much I have to give the world. I've always heard that I am 'lucky'. I'm reminded of a specific example of this mentality I have encountered almost everywhere I've gone. When I was about 16 a friend of mine, who I love dearly & happened to be quite a few years older than me, said something along the lines of how lucky I was & how he pretty much despised me for how I could take such a natural & amazing ability to feel/hear the spirit & neglect it like I did. He told me how unfair it was for me to take the power I'd been given & the testimony I'd received & waste it the way I did. His point was that he & so many others would give anything to get what I have so naturally & begged me to utilize it & to reach my potential (he may have said almost those exact words).

Getting this feedback from the world has always left me feeling quite baffled. It wasn't just spiritual & religious things, it was almost everything in my life; grades I achieved in school, parenting skills, communication skills, my writing, my empathy, my ability to express myself, work ethic, being a quick learner, problem solving...everyone seemed to think I shined. I was always at a loss, not just because I didn't see what they saw but because I felt the exact opposite about myself. Sure, I could see I often did well, but I never FELT good. I never saw myself as a success, let alone a shinning star...until jail.

While I was in jail I allowed myself to really see myself clearly for the first time ever. It wasn't a fleeting moment I experienced either. I began to live life as that girl/woman that I heard described to me my whole life, the woman that those around in me had seen & praised always, I lived as my true self. It felt amazing! I felt complete certainty for the first time in my life & it brought me more joy than I can ever remember feeling. I was completely secure knowing that I could, & would, conquer anything that I came across in my life & that I would continue to be educated & grow throughout my life by the amazing experiences I would have (the good & the bad).

That woman could have never imagined being 'here' again. I could not see myself losing sight of that person I was, that life I was living. There was NO way I would have considered myself CAPABLE of letting go of the power, the feeling, the future that I was holding!! Yet here I am, stuck, full circle.

When I turned on my IPod (I hope ya'll never tire of hearing about my music - it has such an amazing impact on me) one of the first songs I listened to was 'Season for Courage'. The song begins with the lyrics: 'Every road is paved with chances, to step up to higher ground. You can see your destination, but the sun is going down. Its a season for courage, where ever you are. Stand up a little taller. Season for courage, the time is right now. Don't you know you just can't lose, all you gotta do is choose. And its a season for courage.' This song came on just after I had taken a walk to the temple & listened to church music while I journaled for a short time. The essence of my journal entry (after feeling lost & confused all day) was ACTION.

My approach to life has been to REACT instead of ACT. There have been several times I have made new plans, new resolutions, ways to prevent the crisis in the future. Almost without exception I have failed to take ACTION on these plans. Any time I begin to think about moving in the right direction I meet opposition. Usually it's some non-threatening distraction. Then before I know it, I'm stuck & what has me stuck is more serious. Perhaps it's another relapse, maybe it's not having seen Gavin enough or failing to meet obligations. It's definitely not having a job, having no money. Maybe I'm avoiding family functions, or I've started telling small lies that will sooner than later develop into chunks of my life being facades that I'm holding up for the world because I'm so broken up.

It doesn't matter how slowly it sneaks up on me, whether it starts small or big, the point is that if I allow myself to back down to the opposition, to be distracted from the ACTION I need to be taking (the next right thing - whatever it is) then without fail it is NO TIME at all before I am so miserable about life & the loss of that woman that I'm back escaping life; whether its drugs, running away, sex, gambling, take your pick of addictive behaviors.

My last post was about my focus; choosing to focus on the solution, not the problem. Once my focus is in place I am always given the correct 'next right step' or the opportunity is provided to me. I have no trouble ever examining my situation, finding the path that will lead me out, a variety of options I can choose. The next right thing is ALWAYS to keep my feet moving. Success, health, survival, recovery, joy, getting the chance to live as that beautiful woman again, and experiencing the amazing life she is destined for are ALL dependent on my ability to avoid being stuck. I need to just take the next step. The first step is the longest stride, it's true, but I know now why I am 'One of the Lucky Ones'.

I'm watching some photographs

Of a terrible loss

And nobody seems to be sure

How much damage was done

Or how much it will cost

Why am I one of the lucky ones?

Why can I fly when so many cannot run?

And why does a stranger

Who's dreams were denied

Have me wondering why

I'm one of the lucky ones

I am a lucky one

Don't know how this could be fair

To be one of the lucky ones

Could have been me who could have been there

I can hear the voices unspoken

They're calling my name

And the eyes of those who've been broken

Keep on staring at me

Begging me to explain

Why am I one of the lucky ones

Why can I fly

When so many cannot run

And why does a stranger

Who's dreams were denied

Have me wondering why

I'm one of the lucky ones

This yearning I feel

It won't go quietly, no

The answer I seek

Is somewhere inside of me

Why am I one of the lucky ones?

Now I know why I'm one of the lucky ones

And I know why I can fly when so many cannot run

A strangers misfortune

Brings a promise to light

That I'll do what's right

And feel someones plight

And help them take flight

Like one of the lucky ones

I'm sure I've mentioned the significance of 'flying' here before - more to come on my blog with Dustin about that in the future. I definitely know how to fly. I definitely have the opportunity to help so many take flight. I AM ONE OF THE LUCKY ONES!

Just as a newly hatched bird I will continue to attempt flight until I have mastered the use of my wings - wings I only just found! I hope to conquer 'being stuck' more quickly, with more efficiency & have it happen less often!! Just thinking of a time when feeling lost is only a fading memory warms my heart & gives me so much hope.

I'm not sure right now how many pieces to this puzzling life there are, but I am so grateful to have been given one more & to be aware of it's value & where it goes! As the immortal Beatles taught me, 'It's getting better all the time'!!!