Suicide Prevention Day - How Will You Celebrate

A sobering reminder came today when my sister Janet reminded me that my Dad has been gone for 18 years!  Whoa!  I don't often think anymore, as much as I do think about him, exactly how long it's been.  He's been gone longer than he was alive with me, almost twice as long.

I miss him.  I miss all the things I never got to know about him.  I miss all the joy we never got to experience together.  I wish everyday that he got to hold my baby, that he got to teach me to play guitar.  I wish he was here to tell me how proud of me is, or give me advice about how to live my life. I could go on and on about all the emptiness his absence has created in me.  Its a void I'll never feel, but one day pray hope I'm able to forgive and understand my having to live with it.

I had a staggering thought the last time I was in jail, while detoxing.  I was lower than I had ever been.  My depression was inescapable and life was utterly black, staring prison in the face.  A thought came to me one night as I lay alone in my bed, thinking about not wanting to live my life anymore, it was not the first time this thought of suicide has come to my mind.  A few times in the darkest parts of my journey through life I've wanted it to end, but without fail EVERY time the thought has crossed my mind before my next heartbeat the reminder of the pain I feel for my Dad's loss has jerked me back to reality and I've accepted that it's simply not an option.

This lonely night of despair and the reminder, once again, that because of my loss I will NEVER chose that fate made me wonder if maybe my Dad died that I might live.  I certainly have found a great deal of gratitude in this concept, and don't know how real it may or may not be.  His fate has DEFINITELY affected the outcome of my life - so real or not, I'm grateful.

I love my Daddy, in a lost/never known sort of way.  I love the idea of a Daddy, because I never really got to know one.  So this is my tribute to suicide prevention today.  Everyone is touched by it, some bear scars more deeply than others, some will bear scars they wished they never knew in years to come.  I pray for those affected, and for those still suffering.  I hope your hearts, and the hearts of all of us, can be open to understanding, acceptance and love.  Love them where they are, and pray that God finds them and their loved ones, no matter the outcome.  Cherish the love you have, and share it with the world!  Share it with strangers, tell your story and shine your light.