Opening Up & Letting Go

WOW!  It's been a LONG time!  I am not sure how long, but some digital timestamp somewhere could tell my readers exactly.  It's not really important though.  The point is that I was laying in bed just now trying to fall asleep with this blog post racing through my mind, and as a consequence & an effort to find restful sleep sooner - here I am.

Early on in my recover - before I even had any recovery to speak of from my drug addiction - one of the first & I believe most critical resolutions I made was to 'tell my story'.  Sharing the message is BIG for me & I can't tell you how many ears ring with my story & how many I have either bored to tears or terrified with my perspectives on life as I process through each day.  Special thanks to my Mom & close family & friends who put up with every minute of me & love me more completely than I think I have the capacity to understand at this point!  Thanks for not being scared anymore & just loving me!  It's such the highlight of my life today!  Blogging has been on my to-do list for months & months...and it's high time I get back to it.

Today is day 41.  I got clean July 26th, 2013, by the grace of God & it is by the grace of God that I am still sober & can't even put into words how amazing my quality of life is most days.  However, today wasn't really one of those quality days.  Don't misunderstand - on ANY day I have QUALITY problems that I wouldn't trade for my problems months ago - not for ANYTHING.  Nonetheless I have my days.

Today was very full.  I experienced terror, courage, exhaustion, pride, support, resourcefulness, hard work, explanation, patience, sorrow, success & achievement, anger, my inner mother bear, self love & self respect, service, companionship, relief & a variety of other things I'm not sure I want to take the time to cover.

Here is the thing I compared this too & realized this is somewhat of a pattern in my life (and in an effort to avoid my disease of being terminally unique figured I'd share....for someone's benefit, even if only my own).  More than a few of my days in early recovery have felt & looked just like today.  One minute I'm soaring gracefully through an amazing sky more elated & capable than you or I can imagine & the next I've lost a wing & I'm completely out of control - not sure how to avoid a life ending crash landing!  In these tailspins no one but God can save me!  I'm happy to say that today the crisis was avoided - thank God, LITERALLY!

The specific analogy that kept me awake tonight was that of a merry-go-round.  This reflection dates back to when I was just 6/7 years old I think & the park near my Grandma Palmer's home in Provo, UT.  I can remember often climbing on this ride only to realize every time without fail that I was too weak to maintain control - that the G force was too much for my weak tiny muscles & it went from enjoyable to terrifying in only a few short moments.  Too many times I recall being totally hysterical begging in my mind for it to stop!  while being so gripped by the fear I was immobilized & couldn't make a sound - never once did the thought enter my mind to just let go, I had to maintain control....

I'm grateful today to have a voice, to speak up when I'm afraid, to use tools - particularly relationship based & spiritual tools to not only prevent disaster in my life, but even more so to prevent fear & terror from ruling my existence.  Today I am capable of changing my state & focusing on other things to move away from my discomfort, or today I can radio in to dozens of resources to ensure I get the instruction I need for a safe landing - whether that is through prayer, a phone call, a meeting, reading, writing, service or time with friends. The chaos doesn't have to always exist & I don't have to ALWAYS be running (creating that incredible G Force)

These things aren't accidents & though I'm a re-tread that's been trying to get my arms around this deal for longer than seems reasonable the presence of these amazing survival gifts have never been part of the equation - for that I am incredibly & immeasurably grateful today!!  For by the grace of God I've made it one more day, another 24 hours & provided I can continue living based solely on these principles I know I'm investing in insurance against picking up a drug & heading down that path again.  What an incredible gift to have a solution to the pain!  :)  I feel so  blessed & fortunate!