Its Time You Meet Jane

Some time ago in one of Dustins letters, shortly after his sentencing, he listed what he called a portion of his 'prison playlist' that was devoted to me - sounds gruesome a little, I know. Anyway, one of the songs that appeared on this list (songs that he thought of me during or spoke of his love to me, etc) was 'Jane Says' by Jane's Addiction.

I have known this song for years without having any real exposure to Jane's Addiction. Last summer Dustin & I saw Jane's Addiction perform in an amphitheater just outside Pittsburgh with NIN while we were living there. It was an amazing show & I found myself drawn to a lot of their music, particularly this, their theme song.

The story behind the song, as well as the name of the band, is cited on Wikipedia as 'The new band was dubbed "Jane's Addiction" in honor of Farrell's housemate, Jane Bainter, who was addicted to drugs. (I assume heroin given the time & the lyrics of the song)

When I read the letter I thought to myself, 'That's not me. I'm not that bad. I'm not a prostitute.' & pretty much dismissed it. Then the day I got home from the reunion I was standing in a gas station getting a drink & the song came on my IPod. I listened to the lyrics, remembering his words, 'So many of the things he says about her or she says I have heard you say or things I have seen you do.'. Let me be clear that there was no offense intended in this statement, nor was any taken.

On the exact opposite note I was moved to tears as I recognized myself as Jane, for the first time. No, I'm not a prostitute, nor have I ever been. Just about every aspect of the song speaks to me, my approach to my addiction, my false beliefs about it, my fear, my pain, my hopelessness, the lies...

Today as I leave for NYC, to attend UPW I embark on this terrifying journey with ONE GOAL IN MIND: TO LEAVE JANE IN NEW YORK. It seems like a great city for her, she'll enjoy it & I'll be free! I know full well that this is absolutely obtainable & it is the one thing that I want to focus on while I'm there!

I have never done anything so scary as this in my life, but here goes...boarding my plane to the place where I will leave Jane. May she rest in peace. She is such a powerful girl/woman. She has done so much for me in my life but there is so much more that I want & need out of life. I don't want to just 'survive' with her anymore. I want to FLY! Jane will never know how to fly, only Dani can fly!