The Devastating Scarring of Suicide

Since I was 10 years old the sting and trauma of suicide has been a wedge between every relationship, a rain-cloud overhead, a hole in my heart, a nightmare to escape, and so on & so forth.

For me, the only value I've found (thus-far) in this scar I bear and the way it affects my life, has been that through the darkness that I've known, NEVER have I thought this was a solution for me; for that I am SO VERY grateful!

Then the other day I had the first of what may turn out to be many experiences to share my insight.  A friend that I'd prefer to remain anonymous was VERY serious about committing suicide.  This woman has been through a LOT, she has pain that I hope to never understand and she came to a point that she believed there was nothing left, except her hurt.

The following are a series of text messages that I sent to her that explain better than I've ever been able to express before this time, how I feel about suicide and WHAT it truly is.  Posting this on my blog is merely an effort to hopefully make this insight useful to others, and my NO means is a way to 'toot my own horn', I don't have any business tooting any horns, but I do hope that my experience can benefit others.

**CAUTION - THERE IS SOME EXPLICIT LANGUAGE**

"So I must say that considering you are a woman I have earned a GREAT deal of respect for due to your immense ability to love and give so passionately you've blown my mind with the path that you're threatening, and I might add that you are being taken very seriously.  For what its worth I thought it was important to give you the REALITY OF WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT DOING, because you are VERY CONFUSED about it & I hope with all my heart that something in what I have to say hits home."

"First off, while I've had my own share of horrific pain, I CANNOT relate to your loss of ***.  I can't imagine!  That said, while I don't personally understand there are people EVERYWHERE who do, and are not making the choice you are, so get it out of your head that there is no answer, no healing, no way..."

"Next, you mentioned ending the pain, & you need to understand that NOTHING IS FARTHER FROM THE TRUTH!!  The reality that I want you to be aware of is that if you fulfill your desire to stop hurting YOUR PAIN DOES NOT DISAPPEAR!!!  Rather, the truth is that your pain is transferred, it's transferred to ***, ****, your grandchildren, your family, everyone you've EVER KNOWN!  No one will be grateful, no one will understand, everyone will be scarred beyond recognition, and carry the burden of your SELFISHNESS & WEAKNESS for generations to come!!  IT WILL NEVER GO AWAY!!  Right now you carry it alone & I believe you that it's unbearable, but for WHATEVER REASON IT'S YOURS TO BEAR!"

Having lost my Dad to the same fate, albeit a much younger age, let me paint the future of the people who care about you.  Beyond the years of initial numbness, devastation & struggle to survive then there comes the anger & pain & emptiness that will overshadow EVERY JOY that they deserve to experience FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES!!  It will never leave.  For instance, the birth of a child, starting/finishing school, marriages, birthdays, EVERY holiday, places, songs, people, right down to the moments when they are hurting & only need you."

"When you built relationships, got married, made friends, & ABOVE ALL ELSE BROUGHT A CHILD INTO THIS WORLD, YOU GAVE UP YOUR RIGHT TO BE SELFISH LIKE THIS!!!  Your life in ALL of those constructive moments became LESS & LESS ABOUT YOU!"

"Find answers, reach out for HELP.  Call someone, go somewhere, ANYWHERE.  Get off your ass, dust yourself off & don't quit.  Not for you, because you want to.  I DON'T GIVE A FUCK WHETHER OR NOT YOU WANT TO LIVE.  WHO THE FUCK GAVE YOU THE IMPRESSION THAT ITS YOUR CHOICE TO MAKE!!"

"That's all, my hands are clean now & all you'll have from me from this point on is my prayers...Somewhere in you, I know you know I'm right & I know you have the strength & courage to do something about this I believe."

That was the end of the conversation & really honestly it felt so good to finally be able to express what it REALLY means to lose someone to that fate.