I must say that these three emotions are some of my least favorite in the whole spectrum of emotions I feel/have felt. I think I dislike them so much mostly because I understand them the least. There isn't really a solution I have found to them.
Today, for instance...well the last two days really, I have just been feeling blue. I'm uncomfortable anytime that I'm sitting still. Fortunately, I'm not in as bad a place as I have been in my history, so I kept my feet moving. Gratefully, while I was busy I was not so blue. When I settled back down though and slowed my pace the emptiness and discontent came back.
It's difficult, at best, for me to get through times like this. I must say, however, that they come far less often than they used to. I used to live in this state nearly constantly. I'm happy, even in this state, to say that most days anymore don't feel like this.
I sure do wish though that I knew what to do. Recently I have had more than a few conversations with family members about 'mental illness that runs in the family'. I've always held that my depression and other mental defects are situations of moral and choices rather than just a part of my chemical makeup. I feel this way primarily because when I have made different choices the symptoms are all but non-existent. Time and time again this theory is proved by the evidence of my experience.
Because I have proved my theory so many times it seems only logical that when I am feeling this way it is due to some part of my existence being in discord with what should be. It's a pretty good possibility that this discomfort is nothing more than a signaling system, an internal road map if you will.
That's where the dislike comes in. I don't want to be uncomfortable, and if it's an 'internal job' of acceptance, or the resolution requires some action on my part, I'm mystified, which makes me feel stuck. I don't like to feel stuck. I'm a fast paced individual by nature, so sometimes the timing of life leaves much to be desired. The past few days have felt a lot like that - that I'm just off.
If I could wish for one virtue it would be patience, and the very next one I would wish for - if I had access to a perfecting genie in a bottle, would be able to accept each moment as perfect. These moments are perfect, says my faith, but they feel anything but - stupid humanity!
This too shall pass...I'll be sure to keep you posted when it does!
No comments:
Post a Comment