The message below is part of an email my sister sent me Sunday 10-3-10. The first Friday of April & October my siblings, spouses & my mom get together for a kid-free night of entertainment. The family member in charge rotates & this time Krista chose to go to Mesquite to play Bingo @ the casino & have breakfast for dinner.
Have you reached out to Alanon?? I'm sure they will have some ideas - you have to put your hand out. You MUST have a new peer group. You are the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with. C'mon... you know this stuff. Put it into action. Get your workbook out, get your poster out --- go !! You can do this and there are people who need you to save them so save yourself and get strong first.
Krista
I had a pretty stressful day the 1st because my storage unit was due & by the end of the day I was REALLY panicked since I'd not been able to line up the money to pay for it. I had three things that would have made me the money all fall apart that day, in addition to the typical stress of finding somewhere to stay, rides to get to where I need to go, transportation to get the rest of my stuff to the storage unit, etc.
To top it off Mom & I had a fight that day. She picked me up to take me to the family night & had been buying into the rumors flying about what is really going on with me. I told her that I had been honest with her (the way I am honest with everyone really - Dustin is the only one who gets the 'gory details'). When I'm not good I say I'm doing bad, when I'm good I celebrate my successes. When I need help I ask for it, when its reasonable & I feel like I deserve it. This is NOT an easy task! I work VERY hard NOT to engage in the dishonesty that typically goes along with drug addiction, I believe that honesty is the FIRST step to recovery & lies the first step towards relapse! I felt this & hear it over & over 'I feel more free in this institution than I ever have'. I personally say, 'I was SO happy in jail it was disgusting!! I walked around grinning ear to ear all the time! I kept wondering WTF was wrong with me!'!!! I believe whole heartedly that the single thing that opens the gate to that happiness (the structure is the complete key) but without opening the gate there isn't a hope that the structure will help you to thrive) is the complete honesty that your incarceration usually forces upon you. Being on the booking page, showing up for court, your name & arrest info in the newspaper, your family knowing, seeing all the acquaintances you know, etc doesn't give you a lot of opportunity to hide from who you are. Once you get real, should you choose, the rest falls into place on its own. It's still a daily choice but nothing happens without the honest FIRST!
THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE....NO MATTER WHERE YOU ARE!
Anyway, I digress. So in my efforts to be honest somehow my Mom was completely convinced that I was not being...my being vague but honest has not served me well... My mom & I resolved our issues shortly after the family left town, I didn't go - in spite of my siblings wishing I would because I couldn't justify playing when I had so many things to deal with. I LOVE to 'play' with my family - I LOVE any time that I get to spend around them, just enjoying our journey together!! They are also the highest ranking members of my personal designated group of 'smart people'. They are full of resources, brilliant, want what is best for me, I trust them with all my heart, and they just don't give up or believe that I am capable of failure (long term anyway)...
Below is my response to Krista's email (parts of it anyway)
Haven't reached out to 'the rooms'. There may be individuals that have something to offer, I did email my online group a week or more ago & didn't get any responses that I know of. I do know this stuff. I am staying motivated, my attitude is very positive & I'm keeping my feet moving, for the most part. I get bogged down & frustrated occasionally but it's not as bad as I think most people believe the reality is based on the back story they tell themselves, and unfortunately the rumors of the same nature & conclusion that they hear from other people...that is PARTICULARLY IRRITATING when I work SO F-ING HARD to keep myself honest with those around me, most of all my support system & loved ones. I am continuing to search for what will work for me to pull myself through this. My brain is working on it all the time...
Just this afternoon I had a HUGE 'ah-ha moment' in a conversation I was having about why addiction persists. Over the years the pieces of this puzzle have slowly come together as I've become more educated, more honest, more open & gained a greater desire to change. However, why it persists is quite possibly the biggest most critical piece & I just may have completed the puzzle! HOORAY!
All that happened when I had this inspiration/understanding come to me was I was talking about how abnormal 'real life' feels when you're a full blown drug addict & how you can't imagine living normally/drug free (getting a job, having fun, coping with life, changing everything, finding new friends/being alone, leaving a partner, being overwhelmed/stressed, healing trauma from the past, resolving abandonment issues, letting go, etc). I remember getting this part YEARS ago when I went bowling with you guys before going to the wilderness; I sat there literally unable to enjoy myself because my body, mind & spirit were so conditioned to only feel those things when forced by a substance...let alone the fact that my body lacked the chemicals necessary to produce those feelings on its own. The other part of it was what I learned today.
For years I have not understood WHY my addiction to drugs persists, in spite of all the pain, danger, misery, & waste that drugs inflicted on EVERY aspect of my life (so ridiculous I can't even wrap my head around it...what I've lost, what this has cost me, where I am in my journey vs. where I would be, ITS UNMEASURABLE!!!...I can only hope that what I am able to return to the world because of it affects me positively enough to balance the scales again & hopefully retain this immense sense of gratitude I have.)!
Addiction is nothing more than a coping mechanism, doesn't matter what you're trying to cope with....the worse it gets the more lengthy the list of things you have to cope with grows until you are needing the drugs to keep breathing some days. For years I have relied on drugs to supplement/cope with my existence. I would end up using any time I decided I was not willing to try any harder, when I allowed myself to give up on the effort to move forward, when I backed down from life & accepted that I was weak & beaten. Any time that things get hard & can't be tolerated I throw up my hands & just let the drugs step in & handle it for me. Social anxiety? I used drugs to numb the intensity of my feelings, lower inhibitions, check out of the worry & discomfort. Communication, disappointment, grieving, cleanliness, abandonment, celebration, change, any time that life failed to meet my expectations; soon EVERYTHING that is just a part of life I can't do 'on my own' & replace the need to with drugs. That last one, life failing to meet my expectations, is HUGE!
Because of this discomfort & fear of normal life I compare the first stage of recovery (the hardest part) to walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers in NYC!! I am NOT a tightrope walker, but I can't think of a more appropriate example of an activity that would require my UTMOST security in myself & my abilities! What I realized is that ALWAYS I have kept a safety net underneath me during this tightrope walk between the skyscrapers - the road to recovery waiting on the other side.
I keep the drug world close enough to my fingertips that I can fall back on it for the survival that I've always been able to use it for. I don't trust myself to succeed without them (the drugs), I believe that I will need to fall back on it, no matter how hard I try to move forward, no matter how well prepared or educated I feel for the event. This is what my track record has shown me.
So the final piece to me being able to sustain a drug free, healthy state? I must trust myself to make that walk without any safety net at all. Life will ALWAYS overwhelm me. As long as that safety net is there I will ALWAYS fall back on it without waiting out the crisis, learning the skill I need, growing as I need to, continuing to progress, etc. Its very common advice to disconnect yourself from the drug world & it makes perfect sense...so much sense that I never could understand why that was the hardest step to make. Understanding why this step is so necessary & HOW to make it possible to take (just TRUST myself & TRUST the Lord) seems to make the picture of my recovery lasting the rest of my life a realistic possibility! In a time of crisis, pain, being overwhelmed, fear, frustration...I now have a concrete understanding of WHY I need to hold on!
I've decided to take that trip that I sort of talked to you about. (Referencing a trip to NJ for Tony Robbins UPW event & staying in D.C. for a week or two after that. I really think this trip may provide a great spring board to my learning to trust myself in my recovery, a GREAT way to walk that tight rope, get some fresh & consecutive TIME under my belt & really get my head about me)
...I just want to keep track of all of this (health & supplement recommendations) so I'm able to add it in as soon as I have the means - this stuff & exercise is so critical to my emotional well being! :o) .... Right up there with sleep which I am clearly struggling with STILL!! I wonder ALL THE TIME when I'm going to feel okay when the sun goes down & not go into a total depression, when I won't cry laying in bed trying to fall asleep. When I won't feel like the empty bed behind me is a black hole trying to suck me in...like I'm laying on the edge of a cliff. :( Can't imagine why I'm struggling w/ my sobriety & particularly substances that keep me awake, can you?
It will get better, more normal - I'll adjust & then he'll come home & we'll go through more changes! {SIGH} Thanks for your support, ideas & for loving me NO MATTER WHAT! I am constantly 'pushing the boundaries' in my life to see where the security exists...just like Tony said I do. LMAO I catch myself doing it & wish I wouldn't sometimes, a LOT of times I don't like what I find out!! In your case & a few others though I'm amazed & SO grateful for the way you react to my behavior! Thank you for loving me unconditionally; its an amazing feat in the face of the fear, pain & sadness that my choices have continuously brought to your world - and without your efforts I'd surely have so much less hope to fight through this! You'll never know the extent of my gratitude for you keeping your rays shinning into my dark world!! I've been cold, lonely & often so scared trying to navigate this all alone. This would definitely not be the first time that you put forth some small effort to aid my journey that gave me some direction, warmed me in my time of need, calmed my troubled & doubtful heart and most of all has taught me time & time again that love is consistent, because you're always there.
What a day to get this email! HA! :o) I don't know if you notice but I often express my gratitude to you & do my best to communicate the exact nature & magnitude of your impact on my life - not sure why it's always coming out like this, (I'm bawling - totally overwhelmed by your grace, love, charity, beauty, hope, passion for me....), but you just never cease to amaze me I guess.
Thank you for loving me! I love you too!
That's the end of my response to her & after 5 days of editing, working on this post, etc - I am finally sending this to her & my blog post as well. LOL At least its done now.
Love you sis !!
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