I shared my 'current state' with a group the other day on the topic 'What do you do to keep your house in order'. I thought it would be excellent as my next post, just an update of sorts.
My general attitude about this part of the journey is that I feel incredibly blessed & am filled with so much gratitude yet EXTREMELY overworked & exhausted as well as often finding myself frustrated & even still at times in absolute agony & hopelessness.
I could easily use the metaphor that I feel like the process that I'm going through is like moving. I have been living in 'my house' for 26 years...the place is a wreck. Though I've done everything that I can to keep the house in order I've done only cosmetic things & when I built the house there was FAR more wrong with it than just cosmetic mistakes. Over time I neglected cracks in the foundation, they spread to the walls, mold grew (the kind that is poisonous to those around you), my furnishings were never repaired throughout the crisis that befell me time & time again which left me not only little functionality in my life but ZERO comfort! Near the end of my residence in this house I realized that I was no longer 'really' living there. I found myself out of my home (my head & my life) more often than I was in it because I was so disappointed in myself & it was so uncomfortable - absolutely unbearable.
However, I had the opportunity while I was in jail to acquire not only the blueprints for the home of my dreams but also the resources to build it & the crew to help me me get the job done. I stayed as a guest in my mansion while I was there. However, upon my release I was quickly back to slumming it in my ghetto life in NO TIME! I wondered why I'd left my mansion & realized that I'd vacated because I felt I was too weak to maintain it on my own & also because I hadn't remembered how to get there or that my sick brain couldn't remember those directions without daily reminders!
Now though, I went looking for those blueprints (meetings) & got my crew lined up (sponsor & support in the fellowship). I kicked out all the squatters at my old place & refuse to stay there at ALL anymore. Slowly but surely I'm following the blue prints in order to rebuild my mansion. My husband routinely calls me his Queen & this new house I am putting in order is DEFINITELY fit for royalty!
I am hoping & praying daily for the inspiration & support from God to make this house a house I can keep in order. I pray that I'm not neglecting certain parts of the construction & that even though I failed so miserably in the past & my construction skills are CLEARLY inept that my mansion will still be completed. I hope that when its complete (I feel complete acceptance, joy & peace for the majority of my days - not the rarity they are now) that I will be mindful to continue to maintain the home, lest it falls apart on me one day winding me RIGHT BACK HERE.... :(
Nobody likes to move right? No matter what you're upgrading to, the neighborhood, the people, all the help in the world...when it comes down to it there are things you're giving up that you'll miss, the work is unbearable at times, there is only so much that others can do for you, its exhausting, at times you wonder what the HELL you were thinking, etc. All the things you could POSSIBLY think about moving - the good & the bad, that's what I'm going through.
In the end though, the mansion will be worth it I know. When I take the trip there during meetings & taste the sweetness of everything about it I know I have been given the most incredible opportunity & I thank God continually for it! I am so excited to reach a time when all I'm doing is maintaining that mansion, not this dreadful chaos I face during the moving process! :o) Each day though I wake & thank God that he's granted me the grace of finding this program! I ask for the inspiration I need to make sure I don't lose this chance, ways that I can help another & most of all just pray for another 24 hours of construction!
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