Stuck...or I was

I've felt a sense of 'being stuck' over the last several months since being released from jail. I didn't really attribute this completely to my own fault until recently - like today. This is not to say that I'm not pretty close to the MOST introspective & self-evaluating person I know, because I am by a long shot. Just today though I gained a little bit of a new perspective on my struggles, my failings, my circumstances.

For the last two days I've been feeling very frustrated & a little bit hopeless about things again. I've been thinking a lot about where I'm stumbling. I know that I know what to do in all of the problems I face, I know what is 'right'. It is NOT a lack of knowledge, it is NOT a lack of skill, it is NOT a lack of will or desire (I've spent a LOT of time in the last few months with tears of despair running down my cheeks - so confused, so lost)...yet even with these things, my circumstances persist. I am stuck.

I've been told my whole life how talented I am, how much I have to give the world. I've always heard that I am 'lucky'. I'm reminded of a specific example of this mentality I have encountered almost everywhere I've gone. When I was about 16 a friend of mine, who I love dearly & happened to be quite a few years older than me, said something along the lines of how lucky I was & how he pretty much despised me for how I could take such a natural & amazing ability to feel/hear the spirit & neglect it like I did. He told me how unfair it was for me to take the power I'd been given & the testimony I'd received & waste it the way I did. His point was that he & so many others would give anything to get what I have so naturally & begged me to utilize it & to reach my potential (he may have said almost those exact words).

Getting this feedback from the world has always left me feeling quite baffled. It wasn't just spiritual & religious things, it was almost everything in my life; grades I achieved in school, parenting skills, communication skills, my writing, my empathy, my ability to express myself, work ethic, being a quick learner, problem solving...everyone seemed to think I shined. I was always at a loss, not just because I didn't see what they saw but because I felt the exact opposite about myself. Sure, I could see I often did well, but I never FELT good. I never saw myself as a success, let alone a shinning star...until jail.

While I was in jail I allowed myself to really see myself clearly for the first time ever. It wasn't a fleeting moment I experienced either. I began to live life as that girl/woman that I heard described to me my whole life, the woman that those around in me had seen & praised always, I lived as my true self. It felt amazing! I felt complete certainty for the first time in my life & it brought me more joy than I can ever remember feeling. I was completely secure knowing that I could, & would, conquer anything that I came across in my life & that I would continue to be educated & grow throughout my life by the amazing experiences I would have (the good & the bad).

That woman could have never imagined being 'here' again. I could not see myself losing sight of that person I was, that life I was living. There was NO way I would have considered myself CAPABLE of letting go of the power, the feeling, the future that I was holding!! Yet here I am, stuck, full circle.

When I turned on my IPod (I hope ya'll never tire of hearing about my music - it has such an amazing impact on me) one of the first songs I listened to was 'Season for Courage'. The song begins with the lyrics: 'Every road is paved with chances, to step up to higher ground. You can see your destination, but the sun is going down. Its a season for courage, where ever you are. Stand up a little taller. Season for courage, the time is right now. Don't you know you just can't lose, all you gotta do is choose. And its a season for courage.' This song came on just after I had taken a walk to the temple & listened to church music while I journaled for a short time. The essence of my journal entry (after feeling lost & confused all day) was ACTION.

My approach to life has been to REACT instead of ACT. There have been several times I have made new plans, new resolutions, ways to prevent the crisis in the future. Almost without exception I have failed to take ACTION on these plans. Any time I begin to think about moving in the right direction I meet opposition. Usually it's some non-threatening distraction. Then before I know it, I'm stuck & what has me stuck is more serious. Perhaps it's another relapse, maybe it's not having seen Gavin enough or failing to meet obligations. It's definitely not having a job, having no money. Maybe I'm avoiding family functions, or I've started telling small lies that will sooner than later develop into chunks of my life being facades that I'm holding up for the world because I'm so broken up.

It doesn't matter how slowly it sneaks up on me, whether it starts small or big, the point is that if I allow myself to back down to the opposition, to be distracted from the ACTION I need to be taking (the next right thing - whatever it is) then without fail it is NO TIME at all before I am so miserable about life & the loss of that woman that I'm back escaping life; whether its drugs, running away, sex, gambling, take your pick of addictive behaviors.

My last post was about my focus; choosing to focus on the solution, not the problem. Once my focus is in place I am always given the correct 'next right step' or the opportunity is provided to me. I have no trouble ever examining my situation, finding the path that will lead me out, a variety of options I can choose. The next right thing is ALWAYS to keep my feet moving. Success, health, survival, recovery, joy, getting the chance to live as that beautiful woman again, and experiencing the amazing life she is destined for are ALL dependent on my ability to avoid being stuck. I need to just take the next step. The first step is the longest stride, it's true, but I know now why I am 'One of the Lucky Ones'.

I'm watching some photographs

Of a terrible loss

And nobody seems to be sure

How much damage was done

Or how much it will cost

Why am I one of the lucky ones?

Why can I fly when so many cannot run?

And why does a stranger

Who's dreams were denied

Have me wondering why

I'm one of the lucky ones

I am a lucky one

Don't know how this could be fair

To be one of the lucky ones

Could have been me who could have been there

I can hear the voices unspoken

They're calling my name

And the eyes of those who've been broken

Keep on staring at me

Begging me to explain

Why am I one of the lucky ones

Why can I fly

When so many cannot run

And why does a stranger

Who's dreams were denied

Have me wondering why

I'm one of the lucky ones

This yearning I feel

It won't go quietly, no

The answer I seek

Is somewhere inside of me

Why am I one of the lucky ones?

Now I know why I'm one of the lucky ones

And I know why I can fly when so many cannot run

A strangers misfortune

Brings a promise to light

That I'll do what's right

And feel someones plight

And help them take flight

Like one of the lucky ones

I'm sure I've mentioned the significance of 'flying' here before - more to come on my blog with Dustin about that in the future. I definitely know how to fly. I definitely have the opportunity to help so many take flight. I AM ONE OF THE LUCKY ONES!

Just as a newly hatched bird I will continue to attempt flight until I have mastered the use of my wings - wings I only just found! I hope to conquer 'being stuck' more quickly, with more efficiency & have it happen less often!! Just thinking of a time when feeling lost is only a fading memory warms my heart & gives me so much hope.

I'm not sure right now how many pieces to this puzzling life there are, but I am so grateful to have been given one more & to be aware of it's value & where it goes! As the immortal Beatles taught me, 'It's getting better all the time'!!!

Top of Mind

I first learned this concept as a business principal, taught to me over & over again. It's a principal because its ALWAYS true, it's what you strive after in business...it's what MATTERS!

Top of mind, for those of you not familiar, is the key to the success of most business, particularly those with ANY marketing involved - all of them pretty much. Essentially, the concept is just that in order to sell anything or provide your service your customer has to think of YOU FIRST! Your customer must have you on the 'top of their mind' any time they think of that product or service, you have to be the answer!

I'm realizing today how important what is on the 'top of my mind' is! It's not that I haven't known this before but I was updating my FB status today & noticed how much I wish my feelings & thoughts reflected the state today that I was in on Monday. I turned to a friend & said; 'I always put what's true on my status, but I wish that were true today still....'.

Monday Status:

Dani North is feeling ecstatic about this amazing sense of acceptance I'm feeling, the energy my hope is creating, & is grateful for the productivity and action I'm able to take. I'm also SO grateful for the gifts of life, the daily reminders of the greatness of my Father & the blessing of his hand in my life!

Today:

Dani North wants Monday's feeling back. Working hard to let go, love, do the next right thing & be still... Don't quit before the miracle comes!!

It dawned on me as I was putting that statement in that both times it was just about what I was focused on. I was focused on celebrating Monday, I was full of gratitude, focused on how engaged I was in the solution. Last night, yesterday, this morning, I was focused on the problem, on criticizing my situation...again. I was focused on deficiencies, on needs not what I have already. I definitely want to implement a plan of action that will help me to develop a habit of being aware of what is on the top of my mind at all times & if it's not the solution, celebrating, gratitude, positive thoughts then immediately take action to correct that.

What is on the top of your mind? I'm grateful in this moment to be aware of how drastically this impacts EVERYTHING in my life: emotions, goals, sanity, progress, success, relationships...EVERYTHING!

A song on my motivational playlist (well several) come to mind: Incubus 'Drive', Lee Ann Womack 'I Hope You Dance', Natasha Beddingford 'Unwritten'. I'm chuckling kind of cause I consider myself a fairly good driver, have a great time dancing & apparently REALLY enjoy writing. :o) Here goes, driving with confidence, dancing in the storms of life & enjoying the journey, & writing my happy ending.

Introducing a Hero

So I just stumbled across my sister's blog/website, Krista Black. Krista is the oldest in my family & as a result I have always looked up to her & been guided by her in MANY WAYS! I have worked for Krista since the time I was about 11 years old. In fact, the majority of my working career has been with her, in one job or another. I have worked for her in real estate, communications, hard money lending, real estate management, etc. Much of my knowledge & skills are spawned from her.

The older that I get the more I realize that Krista is my original hero. Sure, I love the things that a lot of people do & there are a lot of people that I'd like to be like when I grow up. It's also true that Krista comes with a history of human error, lots of things you could criticize....if you wanted to, and imperfection (this is what I love the most). For reasons I can't explain we are more alike than any of my other siblings & sometimes that scares me, but more of the time I am incredibly grateful.

In addition to her being a 'rising star' in my life, (someone who continually shows me there is more to our world than first meets the eye, that anyone can make a difference in their own lives, to live out loud & proud), I realized just now that she's not just my original hero but she's also been the source of some of the greatest support I've received in my life! She has ALWAYS been there for me, always loved me, always done everything she can to support me through my struggles! Beginning from the time I was 12 years old & lived with her for the first time because she wanted me to have a chance. She's always done ANYTHING in her power to give me that chance in life!

She has unselfishly shared her wisdom, knowledge, passion & experience with me over the years & sometimes she has just cried with me. There are so many things that she has to be proud of. Her life is full & well accomplished, her mastery of herself, her learning & her family shine as a result of her diligence to her goals in these areas continually take priority in her life.

Entering a New Phase

Not only am I moving but SO IS DUSTIN! They finally transported him to the prison. I feel like I got my head knocked off the way I did when he got sentenced, like I was prepared then, 'WHAM! The hell you are!!!'! :(

This is short & sweet cause I need to get a letter out to him... :( If anyone on here wants to write him he needs all the love he can get (I'll say again). My focus on my own health (for him in the long run but still...) leaves him seriously wanting & I could use all the help I can get with support for him.

For those of you not familiar (not that I am all that familiar) he gets very little property, no phone calls, no free time, etc when he is in R & O (receiving & orientation) for the first several weeks he is at the prison. Basically it is like lockdown for him. Any mail he receives will be his best & likely ONLY gift while he's there.

Show him some love if you can!

Moving...Universally Hated - Yet the Only Right Thing Sometimes!

So today is starting out okay for me, shockingly! Tons of gratitude for the 7am meeting I made it to by the grace of God & my lovely friend who got my ass out of bed! :o)

I shared my 'current state' with a group the other day on the topic 'What do you do to keep your house in order'. I thought it would be excellent as my next post, just an update of sorts.

My general attitude about this part of the journey is that I feel incredibly blessed & am filled with so much gratitude yet EXTREMELY overworked & exhausted as well as often finding myself frustrated & even still at times in absolute agony & hopelessness.

I could easily use the metaphor that I feel like the process that I'm going through is like moving. I have been living in 'my house' for 26 years...the place is a wreck. Though I've done everything that I can to keep the house in order I've done only cosmetic things & when I built the house there was FAR more wrong with it than just cosmetic mistakes. Over time I neglected cracks in the foundation, they spread to the walls, mold grew (the kind that is poisonous to those around you), my furnishings were never repaired throughout the crisis that befell me time & time again which left me not only little functionality in my life but ZERO comfort! Near the end of my residence in this house I realized that I was no longer 'really' living there. I found myself out of my home (my head & my life) more often than I was in it because I was so disappointed in myself & it was so uncomfortable - absolutely unbearable.

However, I had the opportunity while I was in jail to acquire not only the blueprints for the home of my dreams but also the resources to build it & the crew to help me me get the job done. I stayed as a guest in my mansion while I was there. However, upon my release I was quickly back to slumming it in my ghetto life in NO TIME! I wondered why I'd left my mansion & realized that I'd vacated because I felt I was too weak to maintain it on my own & also because I hadn't remembered how to get there or that my sick brain couldn't remember those directions without daily reminders!

Now though, I went looking for those blueprints (meetings) & got my crew lined up (sponsor & support in the fellowship). I kicked out all the squatters at my old place & refuse to stay there at ALL anymore. Slowly but surely I'm following the blue prints in order to rebuild my mansion. My husband routinely calls me his Queen & this new house I am putting in order is DEFINITELY fit for royalty!

I am hoping & praying daily for the inspiration & support from God to make this house a house I can keep in order. I pray that I'm not neglecting certain parts of the construction & that even though I failed so miserably in the past & my construction skills are CLEARLY inept that my mansion will still be completed. I hope that when its complete (I feel complete acceptance, joy & peace for the majority of my days - not the rarity they are now) that I will be mindful to continue to maintain the home, lest it falls apart on me one day winding me RIGHT BACK HERE.... :(

Nobody likes to move right? No matter what you're upgrading to, the neighborhood, the people, all the help in the world...when it comes down to it there are things you're giving up that you'll miss, the work is unbearable at times, there is only so much that others can do for you, its exhausting, at times you wonder what the HELL you were thinking, etc. All the things you could POSSIBLY think about moving - the good & the bad, that's what I'm going through.

In the end though, the mansion will be worth it I know. When I take the trip there during meetings & taste the sweetness of everything about it I know I have been given the most incredible opportunity & I thank God continually for it! I am so excited to reach a time when all I'm doing is maintaining that mansion, not this dreadful chaos I face during the moving process! :o) Each day though I wake & thank God that he's granted me the grace of finding this program! I ask for the inspiration I need to make sure I don't lose this chance, ways that I can help another & most of all just pray for another 24 hours of construction!

Just For Today...

Several weeks ago, as I was coming out of the fog/depression I was suffering at the time i resolved in my writing to begin to practicing a morning routine of sorts. There were several steps included as part of the routine & all of the items were focused on my being centered, having a clear picture of my goals, a plan of attack for my day & more than anything else what I believed would be a solution for the meltdowns I'd been facing. Since I initially wrote down the plan I have not implemented it well, I'm sorry to say. (I think I read in the Big Book today that the psychopathic alcoholic makes many resolutions, often but never a decision....) Discipline has never been my strong point but I am a FANTASTIC planner - let me know if you need some help sometime! LOL

The other day in a meeting I heard over & over 'one day at a time' in some form or another. I recalled preparing this routine & got after myself for not implementing it. I added a few more things the list of items to do & resolved, again, to begin the practice. Still, no luck. I did however add my 'to-do' list to my practices & successfully wrote that for 2 days this week.

That was an improvement. My life being in shambles as it is I have to 'chunk down' the immense tasks that lay before me! First & foremost I must greet each day with thanks to God for my sobriety & ask humbly to be given the gift of another 24. Then I need to focus on what I CAN for myself.... My to-do list is a complete lined piece of paper front & back. The front represents things I NEED to do, the back is things I would like to do. Instead of taking on this list all at once - which I've been doing for some time, I take out a few items each day to complete. My 'Just for Today' to-do list was born. Taking only small portions of the elephant of a meal in front of me makes it MUCH easier to feel successful as I review my day. It makes it easier to review my progress & make slight changes to my behaviors if necessary.

I also added to the list several points of either my behavior or thought patterns or feelings that I'd like to focus on. I did this because my education has taught me that thoughts become feelings, feelings become beliefs, beliefs produce actions, actions become habits & habits determine my environment which in turn starts the cycle over. If I want to change any of those things I need to change from the feelings/thoughts portion & also the environment portion.

Meetings have provided for the MOST EXCELLENT change of environment & many thoughts/feelings as well. However, refer back to my implementing & disciplining myself to ACTUALLY CHANGE as support for my needing to focus on them continually if I want anything to actually happen. Things that appear on this second part of the list are things like: 'Let Go & Let God', Prayer, Acceptance, Service, Patience, etc.

Again, the habit didn't really get off to a stellar start. :( Early today when I first posted I was going to write this post right away & include the poem 'Just for Today'. You can look up the original text online, it is used as a part of most NA meetings (where I was intoduced to it). Later in my meetings I decided that I would write my own version of 'Just for Today', my personal prayer each day reminding me to be the person I want be, how I want to live my life & MOST IMPORTANTLY the action I need to take in order to live recovery & sustain my sobriety! Tonight I was also writing in the meetings some things that I would like to add to my list of readings I do each day (Serenity Prayer, Third Step Prayer, Seventh Step Prayer, The Lords Prayer, etc).

Below is what is my current 'Just for Today' statement. I use the term current because I expect there will be some changes as I evaluate it's effectiveness & learn new concepts throughout my recovery.

JUST FOR TODAY

Just for today I will surrender my life, my will, and my addiction over to the Lord. I will allow Him to direct my life & lead me in my recovery.

Just for today I will have a program. I will follow it to the best of my ability, humbly accepting my faults & always working to improve on yesterday.

Just for today my thoughts will be on my recovery. I will be mindful of those who love & support me & I will look for opportunities to serve my fellow man. I will remember that my recovery finds its foundation & beginning through service.

Just for today I will express my gratitude for the program, for my sobriety, for those who bless my life, and for my ability to serve.

Just for today I will celebrate my life, my recovery & enjoy my journey. I will be unafraid knowing that if I follow this way I have nothing to fear, just for today.

The Gift I've Been Given & My Experience Being Present in the 'Recovery Room'

Today I'm starting my day feeling so incredibly grateful for SO many things in my life! I'm so grateful for the gift of my addiction, odd I know. See this video for further clarification on that concept. Keep an eye out in the future for my own personal list of the amazing blessings my 'gift' has given me! Like Stacey Kramer my life is forever altered by the presence of my addiction, though I would not wish it on anyone I would never wish things to have been any different...for ME. When I try to picture my life on another road, other ways I may have learned the things I have, other experiences that might have been able to strengthen me this way/to grow the way I have, another life that would motivate me to give back the way I want to, etc; I am truly at a loss. I can't imagine being capable of any of it without the pieces of the puzzle being exactly as they are!

I'm also feeling incredibly grateful today for the grace of God making it possibly for me to be clean & sober. In my recent high intake of the spiritual/emotional/psychological nutrition I receive from 'the rooms' I am feeling incredibly grounded, centered & motivated! I feel so blessed to have been given the opportunity to have the fellowship available to me, to have the people in those rooms love & support me, for the acceptance, peace & SOLUTION I find there! The fear of my addiction is removed instantly in this oasis & is manageable when I'm not in a meeting by just simply knowing that it EXISTS!

I am no where NEAR perfect or even close to managing my addiction, but I KNOW it CAN be done! Better than that, I know where to go to get the solution, I have mentors & people who love me who will throw their arms around me & tell me exactly what to do to get there! I cannot express enough gratitude for the blessing this is in my life!

Over the past few days I have thought in almost every meeting that I've been to how incredibly grateful I am to have FINALLY found a place where I fit! My entire life, literally, I have been searching for a peer group that I felt comfortable BEING MYSELF IN! I don't mean to say that I've been looking for other addicts my whole life, I mean that I have NEVER encountered a group of people that I felt like I measured up to, was okay being enough for, even my own family/friends, etc. I have put on different hats & costumes over & over, shaping & molding myself to fit the circumstances/expectations I felt were present. I eventually settled with the drug crowd because the people didn't care about who I was & the drugs made me not care either.

When I walked into my first room since jail on June 14th, 2010 I found my home! I was welcomed with open arms & smiles that so clearly communicated to me that without exception every person in the room had compassion for my situation & a personal understanding of everything I had/could/would experience & feel in life. Emotion overwhelmed me as I took in the hope, love & peace offered to me through each persons willingness to share the message of 'the solution' in their lives. For the first time I believed in myself, the fellowship & knew that through my strengthening my faith in God & my surrender to Him I would be OK! What I've found in the rooms is absolutely magical, staggering!

Without exception someone in that room knows MY story. In sharing their own experiences they tell tell the story of my life, their health & strength standing as a witness to me that I AM OK NOW & CAN ACHIEVE SOBRIETY, THAT I HAVE WHAT IT TAKES, THAT IF I DO AS THEY SAY & AS THEY DO I TOO CAN BE HAPPY AT LAST & KNOW JOY BEYOND WHAT MY WAY HAS EVER BEEN ABLE TO PROVIDE FOR ME!

When I walk into a 'room' I don't put on any hat, I don't think about what to do, what I need to say, how I need to present myself, I just FEEL. I just express (whether I share or its just within my silent prayer) my gratitude that it's there. I thank God for the fellowship & the people in it & know that no matter what there will be others who know where I am, where I have been & believe with all their hearts that I can succeed.

This fellowship is an incredible blessing! It literally is becoming the fuel for my recovery! The desire was my own, but I cannot credit myself for the HOW, that is the program & the grace of God.

Gotta love the energy of a new convert huh? :o) LOL I'm on fire with the spirit of this! A raving lunatic about it, but I was crazy & insane before too so that's nothing new! :)

There are SO many 'gems' & new things I've decided to try to do it's hard sometimes to know where to begin. Slowly but surely I will filter in LOTS of new habits, pieces of my routine, ways of thinking, etc. I'll share them along the way...when I have the time to do so & will definitely post about some of these things, as many as possible & feedback on their impact - like I have done with the meetings. :)

For today I'll share with you a phrase that I tell myself each day & have been using often as my email signature line. Wishing (or praying for in my case) you a blessed, healthy & productive day today & EVERY day! Much Love, Dani

The Missing Link? Addiction Persisting/Relapse

The message below is part of an email my sister sent me Sunday 10-3-10. The first Friday of April & October my siblings, spouses & my mom get together for a kid-free night of entertainment. The family member in charge rotates & this time Krista chose to go to Mesquite to play Bingo @ the casino & have breakfast for dinner.

Have you reached out to Alanon?? I'm sure they will have some ideas - you have to put your hand out. You MUST have a new peer group. You are the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with. C'mon... you know this stuff. Put it into action. Get your workbook out, get your poster out --- go !! You can do this and there are people who need you to save them so save yourself and get strong first.

Krista

I had a pretty stressful day the 1st because my storage unit was due & by the end of the day I was REALLY panicked since I'd not been able to line up the money to pay for it. I had three things that would have made me the money all fall apart that day, in addition to the typical stress of finding somewhere to stay, rides to get to where I need to go, transportation to get the rest of my stuff to the storage unit, etc.

To top it off Mom & I had a fight that day. She picked me up to take me to the family night & had been buying into the rumors flying about what is really going on with me. I told her that I had been honest with her (the way I am honest with everyone really - Dustin is the only one who gets the 'gory details'). When I'm not good I say I'm doing bad, when I'm good I celebrate my successes. When I need help I ask for it, when its reasonable & I feel like I deserve it. This is NOT an easy task! I work VERY hard NOT to engage in the dishonesty that typically goes along with drug addiction, I believe that honesty is the FIRST step to recovery & lies the first step towards relapse! I felt this & hear it over & over 'I feel more free in this institution than I ever have'. I personally say, 'I was SO happy in jail it was disgusting!! I walked around grinning ear to ear all the time! I kept wondering WTF was wrong with me!'!!! I believe whole heartedly that the single thing that opens the gate to that happiness (the structure is the complete key) but without opening the gate there isn't a hope that the structure will help you to thrive) is the complete honesty that your incarceration usually forces upon you. Being on the booking page, showing up for court, your name & arrest info in the newspaper, your family knowing, seeing all the acquaintances you know, etc doesn't give you a lot of opportunity to hide from who you are. Once you get real, should you choose, the rest falls into place on its own. It's still a daily choice but nothing happens without the honest FIRST!

THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE....NO MATTER WHERE YOU ARE!

Anyway, I digress. So in my efforts to be honest somehow my Mom was completely convinced that I was not being...my being vague but honest has not served me well... My mom & I resolved our issues shortly after the family left town, I didn't go - in spite of my siblings wishing I would because I couldn't justify playing when I had so many things to deal with. I LOVE to 'play' with my family - I LOVE any time that I get to spend around them, just enjoying our journey together!! They are also the highest ranking members of my personal designated group of 'smart people'. They are full of resources, brilliant, want what is best for me, I trust them with all my heart, and they just don't give up or believe that I am capable of failure (long term anyway)...

Below is my response to Krista's email (parts of it anyway)

Haven't reached out to 'the rooms'. There may be individuals that have something to offer, I did email my online group a week or more ago & didn't get any responses that I know of. I do know this stuff. I am staying motivated, my attitude is very positive & I'm keeping my feet moving, for the most part. I get bogged down & frustrated occasionally but it's not as bad as I think most people believe the reality is based on the back story they tell themselves, and unfortunately the rumors of the same nature & conclusion that they hear from other people...that is PARTICULARLY IRRITATING when I work SO F-ING HARD to keep myself honest with those around me, most of all my support system & loved ones. I am continuing to search for what will work for me to pull myself through this. My brain is working on it all the time...

Just this afternoon I had a HUGE 'ah-ha moment' in a conversation I was having about why addiction persists. Over the years the pieces of this puzzle have slowly come together as I've become more educated, more honest, more open & gained a greater desire to change. However, why it persists is quite possibly the biggest most critical piece & I just may have completed the puzzle! HOORAY!

All that happened when I had this inspiration/understanding come to me was I was talking about how abnormal 'real life' feels when you're a full blown drug addict & how you can't imagine living normally/drug free (getting a job, having fun, coping with life, changing everything, finding new friends/being alone, leaving a partner, being overwhelmed/stressed, healing trauma from the past, resolving abandonment issues, letting go, etc). I remember getting this part YEARS ago when I went bowling with you guys before going to the wilderness; I sat there literally unable to enjoy myself because my body, mind & spirit were so conditioned to only feel those things when forced by a substance...let alone the fact that my body lacked the chemicals necessary to produce those feelings on its own. The other part of it was what I learned today.

For years I have not understood WHY my addiction to drugs persists, in spite of all the pain, danger, misery, & waste that drugs inflicted on EVERY aspect of my life (so ridiculous I can't even wrap my head around it...what I've lost, what this has cost me, where I am in my journey vs. where I would be, ITS UNMEASURABLE!!!...I can only hope that what I am able to return to the world because of it affects me positively enough to balance the scales again & hopefully retain this immense sense of gratitude I have.)!

Addiction is nothing more than a coping mechanism, doesn't matter what you're trying to cope with....the worse it gets the more lengthy the list of things you have to cope with grows until you are needing the drugs to keep breathing some days. For years I have relied on drugs to supplement/cope with my existence. I would end up using any time I decided I was not willing to try any harder, when I allowed myself to give up on the effort to move forward, when I backed down from life & accepted that I was weak & beaten. Any time that things get hard & can't be tolerated I throw up my hands & just let the drugs step in & handle it for me. Social anxiety? I used drugs to numb the intensity of my feelings, lower inhibitions, check out of the worry & discomfort. Communication, disappointment, grieving, cleanliness, abandonment, celebration, change, any time that life failed to meet my expectations; soon EVERYTHING that is just a part of life I can't do 'on my own' & replace the need to with drugs. That last one, life failing to meet my expectations, is HUGE!

Because of this discomfort & fear of normal life I compare the first stage of recovery (the hardest part) to walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers in NYC!! I am NOT a tightrope walker, but I can't think of a more appropriate example of an activity that would require my UTMOST security in myself & my abilities! What I realized is that ALWAYS I have kept a safety net underneath me during this tightrope walk between the skyscrapers - the road to recovery waiting on the other side.

I keep the drug world close enough to my fingertips that I can fall back on it for the survival that I've always been able to use it for. I don't trust myself to succeed without them (the drugs), I believe that I will need to fall back on it, no matter how hard I try to move forward, no matter how well prepared or educated I feel for the event. This is what my track record has shown me.

So the final piece to me being able to sustain a drug free, healthy state? I must trust myself to make that walk without any safety net at all. Life will ALWAYS overwhelm me. As long as that safety net is there I will ALWAYS fall back on it without waiting out the crisis, learning the skill I need, growing as I need to, continuing to progress, etc. Its very common advice to disconnect yourself from the drug world & it makes perfect sense...so much sense that I never could understand why that was the hardest step to make. Understanding why this step is so necessary & HOW to make it possible to take (just TRUST myself & TRUST the Lord) seems to make the picture of my recovery lasting the rest of my life a realistic possibility! In a time of crisis, pain, being overwhelmed, fear, frustration...I now have a concrete understanding of WHY I need to hold on!

I've decided to take that trip that I sort of talked to you about. (Referencing a trip to NJ for Tony Robbins UPW event & staying in D.C. for a week or two after that. I really think this trip may provide a great spring board to my learning to trust myself in my recovery, a GREAT way to walk that tight rope, get some fresh & consecutive TIME under my belt & really get my head about me)

...I just want to keep track of all of this (health & supplement recommendations) so I'm able to add it in as soon as I have the means - this stuff & exercise is so critical to my emotional well being! :o) .... Right up there with sleep which I am clearly struggling with STILL!! I wonder ALL THE TIME when I'm going to feel okay when the sun goes down & not go into a total depression, when I won't cry laying in bed trying to fall asleep. When I won't feel like the empty bed behind me is a black hole trying to suck me in...like I'm laying on the edge of a cliff. :( Can't imagine why I'm struggling w/ my sobriety & particularly substances that keep me awake, can you?

It will get better, more normal - I'll adjust & then he'll come home & we'll go through more changes! {SIGH} Thanks for your support, ideas & for loving me NO MATTER WHAT! I am constantly 'pushing the boundaries' in my life to see where the security exists...just like Tony said I do. LMAO I catch myself doing it & wish I wouldn't sometimes, a LOT of times I don't like what I find out!! In your case & a few others though I'm amazed & SO grateful for the way you react to my behavior! Thank you for loving me unconditionally; its an amazing feat in the face of the fear, pain & sadness that my choices have continuously brought to your world - and without your efforts I'd surely have so much less hope to fight through this! You'll never know the extent of my gratitude for you keeping your rays shinning into my dark world!! I've been cold, lonely & often so scared trying to navigate this all alone. This would definitely not be the first time that you put forth some small effort to aid my journey that gave me some direction, warmed me in my time of need, calmed my troubled & doubtful heart and most of all has taught me time & time again that love is consistent, because you're always there.

What a day to get this email! HA! :o) I don't know if you notice but I often express my gratitude to you & do my best to communicate the exact nature & magnitude of your impact on my life - not sure why it's always coming out like this, (I'm bawling - totally overwhelmed by your grace, love, charity, beauty, hope, passion for me....), but you just never cease to amaze me I guess.

Thank you for loving me! I love you too!

That's the end of my response to her & after 5 days of editing, working on this post, etc - I am finally sending this to her & my blog post as well. LOL At least its done now.