No, I'm sorry, this post is not about farts - or trains. But since I've got you here, read along. :o)
Rarely am I in the habit of 'tooting my own horn', in fact, for the most part I work CRAZY hard not to. Most days I'm barely a blip on the map, let alone able to celebrate myself in a healthy way. I haven't written in a while and I've had a crazy last couple of days - in which the keynote was a HUGE undertaking and subsequent SUCCESS - so I thought, what the hell, Right? :)
I hear on a pretty regular basis comments along the lines of, 'You're SO SMART!', but it for some reason it takes a really stunning accomplishment for that to actually sink in. LOL I'm super grateful to have just experienced one such accomplishment! :)
Wednesday after work I returned a message left by one of my wonderful sisters, to remain unnamed. She had called about some side work she wanted to offer me (code for she didn't want to do it herself and since she's THE BOSS, she gets to decide what to do and what to pay for - what a life!). If you missed the recent events affecting my income, let me just briefly say that my past is catching up a bit and my income is being garnished at 15%!! It was a no-brainer, no matter how challenging the project, or how tight the deadline to accept!
The project I went to work on Wednesday evening was to write 13 articles to be used in a SEM (Search Engine Marketing) campaign, for an industry I knew NOTHING about, and needed to be delivered to said sister 'Saturday'. I later adjusted the deadline to allow myself ALL OF SATURDAY (12am Sunday), because when I really got into it I was scarred shitless!
Its been a CRAZY couple of days, but I just submitted ALL of the completed articles FOUR AND A HALF HOURS before the deadline!! I'm so ecstatic! I am in the midst of doing my Happy/I'm Amazing Dance, and I will honestly admit it's been too long since I got to do this! Ya'll are missing out! :o)
That's all she wrote, well not literally! The end
Saturday, October 6, 2012
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Restless, Irritable and Discontent
I must say that these three emotions are some of my least favorite in the whole spectrum of emotions I feel/have felt. I think I dislike them so much mostly because I understand them the least. There isn't really a solution I have found to them.
Today, for instance...well the last two days really, I have just been feeling blue. I'm uncomfortable anytime that I'm sitting still. Fortunately, I'm not in as bad a place as I have been in my history, so I kept my feet moving. Gratefully, while I was busy I was not so blue. When I settled back down though and slowed my pace the emptiness and discontent came back.
It's difficult, at best, for me to get through times like this. I must say, however, that they come far less often than they used to. I used to live in this state nearly constantly. I'm happy, even in this state, to say that most days anymore don't feel like this.
I sure do wish though that I knew what to do. Recently I have had more than a few conversations with family members about 'mental illness that runs in the family'. I've always held that my depression and other mental defects are situations of moral and choices rather than just a part of my chemical makeup. I feel this way primarily because when I have made different choices the symptoms are all but non-existent. Time and time again this theory is proved by the evidence of my experience.
Because I have proved my theory so many times it seems only logical that when I am feeling this way it is due to some part of my existence being in discord with what should be. It's a pretty good possibility that this discomfort is nothing more than a signaling system, an internal road map if you will.
That's where the dislike comes in. I don't want to be uncomfortable, and if it's an 'internal job' of acceptance, or the resolution requires some action on my part, I'm mystified, which makes me feel stuck. I don't like to feel stuck. I'm a fast paced individual by nature, so sometimes the timing of life leaves much to be desired. The past few days have felt a lot like that - that I'm just off.
If I could wish for one virtue it would be patience, and the very next one I would wish for - if I had access to a perfecting genie in a bottle, would be able to accept each moment as perfect. These moments are perfect, says my faith, but they feel anything but - stupid humanity!
This too shall pass...I'll be sure to keep you posted when it does!
Today, for instance...well the last two days really, I have just been feeling blue. I'm uncomfortable anytime that I'm sitting still. Fortunately, I'm not in as bad a place as I have been in my history, so I kept my feet moving. Gratefully, while I was busy I was not so blue. When I settled back down though and slowed my pace the emptiness and discontent came back.
It's difficult, at best, for me to get through times like this. I must say, however, that they come far less often than they used to. I used to live in this state nearly constantly. I'm happy, even in this state, to say that most days anymore don't feel like this.
I sure do wish though that I knew what to do. Recently I have had more than a few conversations with family members about 'mental illness that runs in the family'. I've always held that my depression and other mental defects are situations of moral and choices rather than just a part of my chemical makeup. I feel this way primarily because when I have made different choices the symptoms are all but non-existent. Time and time again this theory is proved by the evidence of my experience.
Because I have proved my theory so many times it seems only logical that when I am feeling this way it is due to some part of my existence being in discord with what should be. It's a pretty good possibility that this discomfort is nothing more than a signaling system, an internal road map if you will.
That's where the dislike comes in. I don't want to be uncomfortable, and if it's an 'internal job' of acceptance, or the resolution requires some action on my part, I'm mystified, which makes me feel stuck. I don't like to feel stuck. I'm a fast paced individual by nature, so sometimes the timing of life leaves much to be desired. The past few days have felt a lot like that - that I'm just off.
If I could wish for one virtue it would be patience, and the very next one I would wish for - if I had access to a perfecting genie in a bottle, would be able to accept each moment as perfect. These moments are perfect, says my faith, but they feel anything but - stupid humanity!
This too shall pass...I'll be sure to keep you posted when it does!
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Passion & Purpose
I was sitting at my desk the other day, doing a fabulous job at the wonderful company I'm employed for, and it occurred to me that I'm getting burned out. I wondered why this is happening, when by all appearances things are just spectacular in my life! Then, during my lunch break, I allowed my mind to wander a little bit. I was just daydreaming a little and the places that my mind, and even more importantly MY HEART, gravitated to had nothing to do with business, or promotional products, or money, or manufacturing, or ANYTHING that I spend 40+ hours of my life EVERY WEEK DOING!
During my meanderings of thought I started thinking about politics, and service, and people suffering - the millions of prisoners in the prison system or living a life of 'supervised freedom', the children in foster care, the millions around the world devastated by natural disasters, or populations suffering at hands of governments and underdeveloped social circumstances.
My heart aches for all the pain in the world. I don't know where to go, how to begin, or even what shape my dreams truly take. This, however, I do know - that I am not living in my passion, and for the first time I recognized the other day that it hurts.
For those of you who know me you know that I am passionate about a LOT of things, and have an opinion about EVERYTHING! :) One of the things I am MOST passionate about is the populations, no matter where in the world - or why - who are struggling. I've struggled a LOT in my life and I know how it feels, so my heart aches for those who suffer needlessly, and senselessly. I hurt even for the people who know better but yet allow themselves to be victims - even if their suffering is due to their own choices, it doesn't make their pain any less real than yours or mine.
Before I started writing this blog I looked up the word passion (I almost wrote 'in' the dictionary, but that would have been a lie! I looked it up on Dictonary.com - LOL, which is to say I looked it up on the website that's like a dictionary! - ah, information age). The word passion is a noun, and defined as; any powerful or compelling emotion or feeling.
I truly believe that each of us have a unique set of gifts and talents. Furthermore, I strongly believe that the life we live, the experiences we have, and each moment shapes us into exactly the person needed to fulfill our destiny in life. Some of you may be familiar with Purpose Driven Life and other such teachings for life type books. This is exactly what I'm talking about. Doing the things that only you can do, and being involved with the things you're passionate about is what this blog is all about.
I'm not living my purpose, and the closest involvement I have to the things I'm passionate about are FB posts, the occasional news story and my own daydreams - this pathetic & uncomfortable! I don't know precisely what my purpose is, but I know that (for the most part) I'm very far away from contributing to life how I'd like to. Don't get me wrong, I'm showing up for a lot of my callings in life. I'm a functioning member of society, for instance. I'm a fit mother. I am currently an excellent employee, a sister, a friend, a girlfriend, etc. I am a taxpayer, blah blah blah. It's not that I'm NOT contributing, but rather that I am 'restless, irritable, and discontent' that I'm not contributing to my best and highest use.
I'm pretty sure that until I am living in my purpose and contributing at my highest potential (which I believe can only happen through doing what I've been created to do) I'm going to be some degree of miserable - and I'm not happy about it.
I was definitely not created to be part of the rat race that I'm currently in. I don't daydream about business (but I know some people who do), it's just not for me. So, I'm asking myself - very PUBLICLY how do I get closer to living in my dreams, what steps can I take to get closer to finding the path I know deep in my heart I should be on?
For today, writing about it is enough - honesty is the first step you know. Next, I figure out a way for me to earn money doing what I want to be doing, then I suppose we'll see from there. My eyes and ears are open, and if any of my readers should happen to have a little inspiration about my situation I welcome your suggestions! :)
Monday, September 10, 2012
Suicide Prevention Day - How Will You Celebrate
I miss him. I miss all the things I never got to know about him. I miss all the joy we never got to experience together. I wish everyday that he got to hold my baby, that he got to teach me to play guitar. I wish he was here to tell me how proud of me is, or give me advice about how to live my life. I could go on and on about all the emptiness his absence has created in me. Its a void I'll never feel, but one day pray hope I'm able to forgive and understand my having to live with it.
I had a staggering thought the last time I was in jail, while detoxing. I was lower than I had ever been. My depression was inescapable and life was utterly black, staring prison in the face. A thought came to me one night as I lay alone in my bed, thinking about not wanting to live my life anymore, it was not the first time this thought of suicide has come to my mind. A few times in the darkest parts of my journey through life I've wanted it to end, but without fail EVERY time the thought has crossed my mind before my next heartbeat the reminder of the pain I feel for my Dad's loss has jerked me back to reality and I've accepted that it's simply not an option.
This lonely night of despair and the reminder, once again, that because of my loss I will NEVER chose that fate made me wonder if maybe my Dad died that I might live. I certainly have found a great deal of gratitude in this concept, and don't know how real it may or may not be. His fate has DEFINITELY affected the outcome of my life - so real or not, I'm grateful.
I love my Daddy, in a lost/never known sort of way. I love the idea of a Daddy, because I never really got to know one. So this is my tribute to suicide prevention today. Everyone is touched by it, some bear scars more deeply than others, some will bear scars they wished they never knew in years to come. I pray for those affected, and for those still suffering. I hope your hearts, and the hearts of all of us, can be open to understanding, acceptance and love. Love them where they are, and pray that God finds them and their loved ones, no matter the outcome. Cherish the love you have, and share it with the world! Share it with strangers, tell your story and shine your light.
Thursday, September 6, 2012
Well I Never!!
How many of you, I'm curious, caught what I was trying to get across with the title? If you missed it, let me elaborate, cause it's important! :o) Say the title in your head like you are an astounded woman of approximately 80+ years old witnessing PDA. LMAO! Got it? Good!
Now onto the explanation of why that is such the fitting title for this post. Ladies and gentleman, and the rest of you unruly folk :) I AM TERMINATED FROM PROBATION! The AMAZING Mike Lastowski, public defender who is truly a servant and a remarkable man of the law, finally got me on the calendar for Judge Ludlow in the Washington County Fifth District Court on Tuesday September 4th, 2012 and filed a motion to terminate my supervised probation and close my case. He had to push a little, but it was a success!
After being on probation since April of 2011, in and out of jail throughout that time, and witnessing the UGLY VERY REAL STATISTICS OF FAILURE, I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD SEE THIS DAY COME!
So, I'll say again, 'Well I Never!'. :o) I'm so unbelievably excited for this chapter of my life, the chapter where I am a slave to the system and in constant fear of it, to be finally closed! I am unbelievably grateful and elated to have this dream come true! It's not every day that I find myself an outlier in what is normally a bell curve that is 85% strong! I feel proud and amazed! Who would have thought that I'm in the 15%?? Sure, I was telling myself 2 years ago that I could be, if I wanted to be, but there have been many times my confidence has been non-existent! Truly, God is doing for me, what I cannot do for myself.
I go out from here determined to continue to move onward and upward, hoping to give back with some of what I've been so blessed with.
Now onto the explanation of why that is such the fitting title for this post. Ladies and gentleman, and the rest of you unruly folk :) I AM TERMINATED FROM PROBATION! The AMAZING Mike Lastowski, public defender who is truly a servant and a remarkable man of the law, finally got me on the calendar for Judge Ludlow in the Washington County Fifth District Court on Tuesday September 4th, 2012 and filed a motion to terminate my supervised probation and close my case. He had to push a little, but it was a success!
After being on probation since April of 2011, in and out of jail throughout that time, and witnessing the UGLY VERY REAL STATISTICS OF FAILURE, I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD SEE THIS DAY COME!
So, I'll say again, 'Well I Never!'. :o) I'm so unbelievably excited for this chapter of my life, the chapter where I am a slave to the system and in constant fear of it, to be finally closed! I am unbelievably grateful and elated to have this dream come true! It's not every day that I find myself an outlier in what is normally a bell curve that is 85% strong! I feel proud and amazed! Who would have thought that I'm in the 15%?? Sure, I was telling myself 2 years ago that I could be, if I wanted to be, but there have been many times my confidence has been non-existent! Truly, God is doing for me, what I cannot do for myself.
I go out from here determined to continue to move onward and upward, hoping to give back with some of what I've been so blessed with.
Monday, August 27, 2012
The Miracle of Normality
Today I had a more amazing and wonderful experience than I have had in a REALLY LONG TIME! Ready, wait for it, I WENT TO THE DENTIST FOR A CLEANING!
Your giggling right? Well you shouldn't be, this is really a miracle & PROOF that God is doing for me what I cannot do for myself!! You see, my history with dental work has been nothing but a series of emergencies, the most recent of which landed me in the ER being heavily sedated/medicated to stop the nerve pain in my face.
One time when I was in Middle School I learned how to smile with my lips shut & laugh covering my mouth because I had a cavity that was black & covered nearly the whole front of a front tooth.
A few months ago I was down at the 4th Street Clinic, a clinic that serves the homeless in Salt Lake City, with Alan & they happened to have news crews there covering the celebration of them getting a federal grant to expand the clinic. The expansion was to include dental services as well as additional other services. I was all too happy to share my story and my take on what dental care might mean to this portion of the population. I won't go into detail about that here, so as not to distract from my MIRACLE today, but if you're interested you can read that article here.
You see, it wasn't long ago that I was a part of that population & didn't see an end to my suffering in sight. Well, ALL that changed today, and the outcome was better than expected. I have some cavities, but they'll be cleared up in 3 appointments, maybe 2!
I am beyond ecstatic over such a seemingly normal & silly little thing, but it's all about your perspective I suppose. I heard in a room once; 'When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change'. That seems all too fitting at the moment. The next time you're dreading going to the dentist or your child is throwing a tantrum perhaps you pull out of your proverbial hat mention of the 'girl you know who couldn't be more grateful to have the opportunity to go to the dentist instead of finding herself in a situation of unbearable pain, yet again'.
I am indeed grateful, and all I did to deserve it is show up for life. :) Funny how He works like that! One day at I time I don't really realize how much closer I am getting, step by step, to having a normal life again. I so very much appreciate the moments that I'm granted the grace of being able to put things in their proper perspective & be grateful for the dentist!
Your giggling right? Well you shouldn't be, this is really a miracle & PROOF that God is doing for me what I cannot do for myself!! You see, my history with dental work has been nothing but a series of emergencies, the most recent of which landed me in the ER being heavily sedated/medicated to stop the nerve pain in my face.
One time when I was in Middle School I learned how to smile with my lips shut & laugh covering my mouth because I had a cavity that was black & covered nearly the whole front of a front tooth.
A few months ago I was down at the 4th Street Clinic, a clinic that serves the homeless in Salt Lake City, with Alan & they happened to have news crews there covering the celebration of them getting a federal grant to expand the clinic. The expansion was to include dental services as well as additional other services. I was all too happy to share my story and my take on what dental care might mean to this portion of the population. I won't go into detail about that here, so as not to distract from my MIRACLE today, but if you're interested you can read that article here.
You see, it wasn't long ago that I was a part of that population & didn't see an end to my suffering in sight. Well, ALL that changed today, and the outcome was better than expected. I have some cavities, but they'll be cleared up in 3 appointments, maybe 2!
I am beyond ecstatic over such a seemingly normal & silly little thing, but it's all about your perspective I suppose. I heard in a room once; 'When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change'. That seems all too fitting at the moment. The next time you're dreading going to the dentist or your child is throwing a tantrum perhaps you pull out of your proverbial hat mention of the 'girl you know who couldn't be more grateful to have the opportunity to go to the dentist instead of finding herself in a situation of unbearable pain, yet again'.
I am indeed grateful, and all I did to deserve it is show up for life. :) Funny how He works like that! One day at I time I don't really realize how much closer I am getting, step by step, to having a normal life again. I so very much appreciate the moments that I'm granted the grace of being able to put things in their proper perspective & be grateful for the dentist!
Monday, August 20, 2012
More Musical Inspiration :o) I'm on a ROLL!
On the way home from doing some service at my Sponsor's house just now I heard another of my ABSOLUTE FAVORITE songs! It's by the AMAZING band Mumford & Sons. The song I speak of is 'Roll Away Your Stone'.
For me, SO many of the songs this band sings give me SO much inspiration. Some commentary I have this song specifically is that it's all about my addiction, and what it will take to overcome it, why it IS the journey that it IS!
Roll away your stone, I'll roll away mine
Together we can see what we will find
Don't leave me alone at this time,
For I am afraid of what I will discover inside
You told me that I would find a hole,
Within the fragile substance of my soul
And I have filled this void with things unreal,
And all the while my character it steals
Darkness is a harsh term don't you think?
And yet it dominates the things I seek
It seems that all my bridges have been burned,
But, you say that's exactly how this grace thing works
It's not the long walk home
that will change this heart,
But the welcome I receive with the restart
Darkness is a harsh term don't you think?
And yet it dominates the things I seek
Darkness is a harsh term don't you think?
And yet it dominates the things I seek
Darkness is a harsh term don't you think?
And yet it dominates the things I seek
Stars hide your fires,
And these here are my desires
And I will give them up to you this time around
And so, I'll be found
with my steak stuck in this ground
Marking its territory of this newly impassioned soul
hide your fires,
these are my desires
And I will give them up to you this time around
And so, I'll be found
with my stake stuck in this ground
Marking its territory of this newly impassioned soul
But you, you've gone too far this time
You have neither reason nor rhyme
With which to take this soul that is so rightfully mine
Its such a BEAUTIFUL picture of my recovery. What the past has been, the challenges life holds, and the ultimate RESOLUTION and CLAIM that I personally HAD to make to begin to do something different! Music is amazing for my soul!
For me, SO many of the songs this band sings give me SO much inspiration. Some commentary I have this song specifically is that it's all about my addiction, and what it will take to overcome it, why it IS the journey that it IS!
Roll away your stone, I'll roll away mine
Together we can see what we will find
Don't leave me alone at this time,
For I am afraid of what I will discover inside
You told me that I would find a hole,
Within the fragile substance of my soul
And I have filled this void with things unreal,
And all the while my character it steals
Darkness is a harsh term don't you think?
And yet it dominates the things I seek
It seems that all my bridges have been burned,
But, you say that's exactly how this grace thing works
It's not the long walk home
that will change this heart,
But the welcome I receive with the restart
Darkness is a harsh term don't you think?
And yet it dominates the things I seek
Darkness is a harsh term don't you think?
And yet it dominates the things I seek
Darkness is a harsh term don't you think?
And yet it dominates the things I seek
Stars hide your fires,
And these here are my desires
And I will give them up to you this time around
And so, I'll be found
with my steak stuck in this ground
Marking its territory of this newly impassioned soul
hide your fires,
these are my desires
And I will give them up to you this time around
And so, I'll be found
with my stake stuck in this ground
Marking its territory of this newly impassioned soul
But you, you've gone too far this time
You have neither reason nor rhyme
With which to take this soul that is so rightfully mine
Its such a BEAUTIFUL picture of my recovery. What the past has been, the challenges life holds, and the ultimate RESOLUTION and CLAIM that I personally HAD to make to begin to do something different! Music is amazing for my soul!
The Devastating Scarring of Suicide
Since I was 10 years old the sting and trauma of suicide has been a wedge between every relationship, a rain-cloud overhead, a hole in my heart, a nightmare to escape, and so on & so forth.
For me, the only value I've found (thus-far) in this scar I bear and the way it affects my life, has been that through the darkness that I've known, NEVER have I thought this was a solution for me; for that I am SO VERY grateful!
Then the other day I had the first of what may turn out to be many experiences to share my insight. A friend that I'd prefer to remain anonymous was VERY serious about committing suicide. This woman has been through a LOT, she has pain that I hope to never understand and she came to a point that she believed there was nothing left, except her hurt.
The following are a series of text messages that I sent to her that explain better than I've ever been able to express before this time, how I feel about suicide and WHAT it truly is. Posting this on my blog is merely an effort to hopefully make this insight useful to others, and my NO means is a way to 'toot my own horn', I don't have any business tooting any horns, but I do hope that my experience can benefit others.
**CAUTION - THERE IS SOME EXPLICIT LANGUAGE**
"So I must say that considering you are a woman I have earned a GREAT deal of respect for due to your immense ability to love and give so passionately you've blown my mind with the path that you're threatening, and I might add that you are being taken very seriously. For what its worth I thought it was important to give you the REALITY OF WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT DOING, because you are VERY CONFUSED about it & I hope with all my heart that something in what I have to say hits home."
"First off, while I've had my own share of horrific pain, I CANNOT relate to your loss of ***. I can't imagine! That said, while I don't personally understand there are people EVERYWHERE who do, and are not making the choice you are, so get it out of your head that there is no answer, no healing, no way..."
"Next, you mentioned ending the pain, & you need to understand that NOTHING IS FARTHER FROM THE TRUTH!! The reality that I want you to be aware of is that if you fulfill your desire to stop hurting YOUR PAIN DOES NOT DISAPPEAR!!! Rather, the truth is that your pain is transferred, it's transferred to ***, ****, your grandchildren, your family, everyone you've EVER KNOWN! No one will be grateful, no one will understand, everyone will be scarred beyond recognition, and carry the burden of your SELFISHNESS & WEAKNESS for generations to come!! IT WILL NEVER GO AWAY!! Right now you carry it alone & I believe you that it's unbearable, but for WHATEVER REASON IT'S YOURS TO BEAR!"
Having lost my Dad to the same fate, albeit a much younger age, let me paint the future of the people who care about you. Beyond the years of initial numbness, devastation & struggle to survive then there comes the anger & pain & emptiness that will overshadow EVERY JOY that they deserve to experience FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES!! It will never leave. For instance, the birth of a child, starting/finishing school, marriages, birthdays, EVERY holiday, places, songs, people, right down to the moments when they are hurting & only need you."
"When you built relationships, got married, made friends, & ABOVE ALL ELSE BROUGHT A CHILD INTO THIS WORLD, YOU GAVE UP YOUR RIGHT TO BE SELFISH LIKE THIS!!! Your life in ALL of those constructive moments became LESS & LESS ABOUT YOU!"
"Find answers, reach out for HELP. Call someone, go somewhere, ANYWHERE. Get off your ass, dust yourself off & don't quit. Not for you, because you want to. I DON'T GIVE A FUCK WHETHER OR NOT YOU WANT TO LIVE. WHO THE FUCK GAVE YOU THE IMPRESSION THAT ITS YOUR CHOICE TO MAKE!!"
"That's all, my hands are clean now & all you'll have from me from this point on is my prayers...Somewhere in you, I know you know I'm right & I know you have the strength & courage to do something about this I believe."
That was the end of the conversation & really honestly it felt so good to finally be able to express what it REALLY means to lose someone to that fate.
For me, the only value I've found (thus-far) in this scar I bear and the way it affects my life, has been that through the darkness that I've known, NEVER have I thought this was a solution for me; for that I am SO VERY grateful!
Then the other day I had the first of what may turn out to be many experiences to share my insight. A friend that I'd prefer to remain anonymous was VERY serious about committing suicide. This woman has been through a LOT, she has pain that I hope to never understand and she came to a point that she believed there was nothing left, except her hurt.
The following are a series of text messages that I sent to her that explain better than I've ever been able to express before this time, how I feel about suicide and WHAT it truly is. Posting this on my blog is merely an effort to hopefully make this insight useful to others, and my NO means is a way to 'toot my own horn', I don't have any business tooting any horns, but I do hope that my experience can benefit others.
**CAUTION - THERE IS SOME EXPLICIT LANGUAGE**
"So I must say that considering you are a woman I have earned a GREAT deal of respect for due to your immense ability to love and give so passionately you've blown my mind with the path that you're threatening, and I might add that you are being taken very seriously. For what its worth I thought it was important to give you the REALITY OF WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT DOING, because you are VERY CONFUSED about it & I hope with all my heart that something in what I have to say hits home."
"First off, while I've had my own share of horrific pain, I CANNOT relate to your loss of ***. I can't imagine! That said, while I don't personally understand there are people EVERYWHERE who do, and are not making the choice you are, so get it out of your head that there is no answer, no healing, no way..."
"Next, you mentioned ending the pain, & you need to understand that NOTHING IS FARTHER FROM THE TRUTH!! The reality that I want you to be aware of is that if you fulfill your desire to stop hurting YOUR PAIN DOES NOT DISAPPEAR!!! Rather, the truth is that your pain is transferred, it's transferred to ***, ****, your grandchildren, your family, everyone you've EVER KNOWN! No one will be grateful, no one will understand, everyone will be scarred beyond recognition, and carry the burden of your SELFISHNESS & WEAKNESS for generations to come!! IT WILL NEVER GO AWAY!! Right now you carry it alone & I believe you that it's unbearable, but for WHATEVER REASON IT'S YOURS TO BEAR!"
Having lost my Dad to the same fate, albeit a much younger age, let me paint the future of the people who care about you. Beyond the years of initial numbness, devastation & struggle to survive then there comes the anger & pain & emptiness that will overshadow EVERY JOY that they deserve to experience FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES!! It will never leave. For instance, the birth of a child, starting/finishing school, marriages, birthdays, EVERY holiday, places, songs, people, right down to the moments when they are hurting & only need you."
"When you built relationships, got married, made friends, & ABOVE ALL ELSE BROUGHT A CHILD INTO THIS WORLD, YOU GAVE UP YOUR RIGHT TO BE SELFISH LIKE THIS!!! Your life in ALL of those constructive moments became LESS & LESS ABOUT YOU!"
"Find answers, reach out for HELP. Call someone, go somewhere, ANYWHERE. Get off your ass, dust yourself off & don't quit. Not for you, because you want to. I DON'T GIVE A FUCK WHETHER OR NOT YOU WANT TO LIVE. WHO THE FUCK GAVE YOU THE IMPRESSION THAT ITS YOUR CHOICE TO MAKE!!"
"That's all, my hands are clean now & all you'll have from me from this point on is my prayers...Somewhere in you, I know you know I'm right & I know you have the strength & courage to do something about this I believe."
That was the end of the conversation & really honestly it felt so good to finally be able to express what it REALLY means to lose someone to that fate.
Little Miss
I heard the most inspiring song by Sugarland today! The song is 'Little Miss'. The lyrics are below...
"Little Miss"
Little miss, brand new start
Little miss, do your part
Little miss, big old heart beats wide open and she's ready now for love
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
Yeah, sometimes you gotta lose 'til you win
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
It'll be alright again
It'll be alright again, I'm okay
It'll be alright again, I'm okay (I'm okay, it'll be alright again)
I'm okay! (It'll be alright again)
I played this song over and over while I worked today. What a beautiful picture of just holding on. :)
"Little Miss"
Little miss done on love
Little miss, I give up
Little miss, I'll get tough, don't you worry about me anymore
Little miss checkered dress
Little miss, one big mess
Little miss, I'll take less when I always give so much more
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
Yeah, sometimes you gotta lose 'til you win
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
It'll be alright again
It'll be alright again, I'm okay
It'll be alright again, I'm okay (I'm okay)
It'll be alright again, I'm okay
Little miss, do your best
Little miss, never rest
Little miss, be my guest, I'll make more anytime that it runs out
Little miss, you'll go far
Little miss, hide your scars
Little miss, who you are is so much more than you like to talk about
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
Yeah, sometimes you gotta lose 'til you win
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
It'll be alright again
It'll be alright again, I'm okay
It'll be alright again, I'm okay (I'm okay)
It'll be alright again, I'm okay
Hold on
Hold on, you are loved
Are loved...
Little miss, I give up
Little miss, I'll get tough, don't you worry about me anymore
Little miss checkered dress
Little miss, one big mess
Little miss, I'll take less when I always give so much more
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
Yeah, sometimes you gotta lose 'til you win
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
It'll be alright again
It'll be alright again, I'm okay
It'll be alright again, I'm okay (I'm okay)
It'll be alright again, I'm okay
Little miss, do your best
Little miss, never rest
Little miss, be my guest, I'll make more anytime that it runs out
Little miss, you'll go far
Little miss, hide your scars
Little miss, who you are is so much more than you like to talk about
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
Yeah, sometimes you gotta lose 'til you win
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
It'll be alright again
It'll be alright again, I'm okay
It'll be alright again, I'm okay (I'm okay)
It'll be alright again, I'm okay
Hold on
Hold on, you are loved
Are loved...
Little miss, brand new start
Little miss, do your part
Little miss, big old heart beats wide open and she's ready now for love
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
Yeah, sometimes you gotta lose 'til you win
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
It'll be alright again
It'll be alright again, I'm okay
It'll be alright again, I'm okay (I'm okay, it'll be alright again)
I'm okay! (It'll be alright again)
I played this song over and over while I worked today. What a beautiful picture of just holding on. :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)