Restless, Irritable and Discontent

I must say that these three emotions are some of my least favorite in the whole spectrum of emotions I feel/have felt.  I think I dislike them so much mostly because I understand them the least.  There isn't really a solution I have found to them.

Today, for instance...well the last two days really, I have just been feeling blue.  I'm uncomfortable anytime that I'm sitting still.  Fortunately, I'm not in as bad a place as I have been in my history, so I kept my feet moving.  Gratefully, while I was busy I was not so blue.  When I settled back down though and slowed my pace the emptiness and discontent came back.

It's difficult, at best, for me to get through times like this.  I must say, however, that they come far less often than they used to.  I used to live in this state nearly constantly.  I'm happy, even in this state, to say that most days anymore don't feel like this.

I sure do wish though that I knew what to do.  Recently I have had more than a few conversations with family members about 'mental illness that runs in the family'.  I've always held that my depression and other mental defects are situations of moral and choices rather than just a part of my chemical makeup.  I feel this way primarily because when I have made different choices the symptoms are all but non-existent.  Time and time again this theory is proved by the evidence of my experience.

Because I have proved my theory so many times it seems only logical that when I am feeling this way it is due to some part of my existence being in discord with what should be.  It's a pretty good possibility that this discomfort is nothing more than a signaling system, an internal road map if you will.

That's where the dislike comes in.  I don't want to be uncomfortable, and if it's an 'internal job' of acceptance, or the resolution requires some action on my part, I'm mystified, which makes me feel stuck.  I don't like to feel stuck.  I'm a fast paced individual by nature, so sometimes the timing of life leaves much to be desired.  The past few days have felt a lot like that - that I'm just off.

If I could wish for one virtue it would be patience, and the very next one I would wish for - if I had access to a perfecting genie in a bottle, would be able to accept each moment as perfect.  These moments are perfect, says my faith, but they feel anything but - stupid humanity!

This too shall pass...I'll be sure to keep you posted when it does!

Passion & Purpose

I was sitting at my desk the other day, doing a fabulous job at the wonderful company I'm employed for, and it occurred to me that I'm getting burned out.  I wondered why this is happening, when by all appearances things are just spectacular in my life!  Then, during my lunch break, I allowed my mind to wander a little bit.  I was just daydreaming a little and the places that my mind, and even more importantly MY HEART, gravitated to had nothing to do with business, or promotional products, or money, or manufacturing, or ANYTHING that I spend 40+ hours of my life EVERY WEEK DOING!

During my meanderings of thought I started thinking about politics, and service, and people suffering - the millions of prisoners in the prison system or living a life of 'supervised freedom', the children in foster care, the millions around the world devastated by natural disasters, or populations suffering at hands of governments and underdeveloped social circumstances.

My heart aches for all the pain in the world.  I don't know where to go, how to begin, or even what shape my dreams truly take.  This, however, I do know - that I am not living in my passion, and for the first time I recognized the other day that it hurts.

For those of you who know me you know that I am passionate about a LOT of things, and have an opinion about EVERYTHING! :)  One of the things I am MOST passionate about is the populations, no matter where in the world - or why - who are struggling.  I've struggled a LOT in my life and I know how it feels, so my heart aches for those who suffer needlessly, and senselessly.  I hurt even for the people who know better but yet allow themselves to be victims - even if their suffering is due to their own choices, it doesn't make their pain any less real than yours or mine.

Before I started writing this blog I looked up the word passion (I almost wrote 'in' the dictionary, but that would have been a lie!  I looked it up on Dictonary.com - LOL, which is to say I looked it up on the website that's like a dictionary! - ah, information age).  The word passion is a noun, and defined as; any powerful or compelling emotion or feeling.

I truly believe that each of us have a unique set of gifts and talents.  Furthermore, I strongly believe that the life we live, the experiences we have, and each moment shapes us into exactly the person needed to fulfill our destiny in life.  Some of you may be familiar with Purpose Driven Life and other such teachings for life type books.  This is exactly what I'm talking about.  Doing the things that only you can do, and being involved with the things you're passionate about is what this blog is all about.  

I'm not living my purpose, and the closest involvement I have to the things I'm passionate about are FB posts, the occasional news story and my own daydreams - this pathetic & uncomfortable!  I don't know precisely what my purpose is, but I know that (for the most part) I'm very far away from contributing to life how I'd like to.  Don't get me wrong, I'm showing up for a lot of my callings in life.  I'm a functioning member of society, for instance.  I'm a fit mother.  I am currently an excellent employee, a sister, a friend, a girlfriend, etc.  I am a taxpayer, blah blah blah.  It's not that I'm NOT contributing, but rather that I am 'restless, irritable, and discontent' that I'm not contributing to my best and highest use.  

I'm pretty sure that until I am living in my purpose and contributing at my highest potential (which I believe can only happen through doing what I've been created to do) I'm going to be some degree of miserable - and I'm not happy about it.

I was definitely not created to be part of the rat race that I'm currently in.  I don't daydream about business (but I know some people who do), it's just not for me.  So, I'm asking myself - very PUBLICLY how do I get closer to living in my dreams, what steps can I take to get closer to finding the path I know deep in my heart I should be on?  

For today, writing about it is enough - honesty is the first step you know.  Next, I figure out a way for me to earn money doing what I want to be doing, then I suppose we'll see from there.  My eyes and ears are open, and if any of my readers should happen to have a little inspiration about my situation I welcome your suggestions! :)  

Suicide Prevention Day - How Will You Celebrate

A sobering reminder came today when my sister Janet reminded me that my Dad has been gone for 18 years!  Whoa!  I don't often think anymore, as much as I do think about him, exactly how long it's been.  He's been gone longer than he was alive with me, almost twice as long.

I miss him.  I miss all the things I never got to know about him.  I miss all the joy we never got to experience together.  I wish everyday that he got to hold my baby, that he got to teach me to play guitar.  I wish he was here to tell me how proud of me is, or give me advice about how to live my life. I could go on and on about all the emptiness his absence has created in me.  Its a void I'll never feel, but one day pray hope I'm able to forgive and understand my having to live with it.

I had a staggering thought the last time I was in jail, while detoxing.  I was lower than I had ever been.  My depression was inescapable and life was utterly black, staring prison in the face.  A thought came to me one night as I lay alone in my bed, thinking about not wanting to live my life anymore, it was not the first time this thought of suicide has come to my mind.  A few times in the darkest parts of my journey through life I've wanted it to end, but without fail EVERY time the thought has crossed my mind before my next heartbeat the reminder of the pain I feel for my Dad's loss has jerked me back to reality and I've accepted that it's simply not an option.

This lonely night of despair and the reminder, once again, that because of my loss I will NEVER chose that fate made me wonder if maybe my Dad died that I might live.  I certainly have found a great deal of gratitude in this concept, and don't know how real it may or may not be.  His fate has DEFINITELY affected the outcome of my life - so real or not, I'm grateful.

I love my Daddy, in a lost/never known sort of way.  I love the idea of a Daddy, because I never really got to know one.  So this is my tribute to suicide prevention today.  Everyone is touched by it, some bear scars more deeply than others, some will bear scars they wished they never knew in years to come.  I pray for those affected, and for those still suffering.  I hope your hearts, and the hearts of all of us, can be open to understanding, acceptance and love.  Love them where they are, and pray that God finds them and their loved ones, no matter the outcome.  Cherish the love you have, and share it with the world!  Share it with strangers, tell your story and shine your light.

Well I Never!!

How many of you, I'm curious, caught what I was trying to get across with the title?  If you missed it, let me elaborate, cause it's important!  :o)  Say the title in your head like you are an astounded woman of approximately 80+ years old witnessing PDA. LMAO!  Got it?  Good!

Now onto the explanation of why that is such the fitting title for this post.  Ladies and gentleman, and the rest of you unruly folk :)  I AM TERMINATED FROM PROBATION!  The AMAZING Mike Lastowski, public defender who is truly a servant and a remarkable man of the law, finally got me on the calendar for Judge Ludlow in the Washington County Fifth District Court on Tuesday September 4th, 2012 and filed a motion to terminate my supervised probation and close my case.  He had to push a little, but it was a success!

After being on probation since April of 2011, in and out of jail throughout that time, and witnessing the UGLY VERY REAL STATISTICS OF FAILURE, I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD SEE THIS DAY COME!

So, I'll say again, 'Well I Never!'.  :o)   I'm so unbelievably excited for this chapter of my life, the chapter where I am a slave to the system and in constant fear of it, to be finally closed!  I am unbelievably grateful and elated to have this dream come true!  It's not every day that I find myself an outlier in what is normally a bell curve that is 85% strong!  I feel proud and amazed!  Who would have thought that I'm in the 15%?? Sure, I was telling myself 2 years ago that I could be, if I wanted to be, but there have been many times my confidence has been non-existent!  Truly, God is doing for me, what I cannot do for myself.

I go out from here determined to continue to move onward and upward, hoping to give back with some of what I've been so blessed with.