Southern Utah Basket Brigade

This is an extraordinary event that I feel SO blessed to be a part of! The more I get involved (I'm the organizer of a charity garage sale this Saturday, November 13th) the more & more excited I get about providing this amazing service to some of the families in need in our community!

This event is so unique, given that it focuses on Thanksgiving rather than Christmas during 'the holidays'. I missed out last year when my family participated in a much larger scale event in Las Vegas, NV. I've been jealous hearing them rave about it all year long & watching their excitement for this event build as we get closer to the day of the event (because they've already experienced the wonder of it!). :)

Things like this are the wonderful direction that Dani's life is heading! :) I am so fortunate to be in the position I'm in (yes you read those words correctly)!! While I don't have the income currently that I want in order to pursue my preferred lifestyle I am SO grateful NOT to be tied down by a lifestyle that demands that I work full time, manage extensive amounts of bills, etc.

I LOVE that I am free to donate my time to events like this one, or attending UPW on the drop of a dime (not sure if I mentioned this previously but EVERYTHING for getting me to NYC came together in 24 HOURS!), being able to take time taking care of my mom who has been struggling with some health issues, spending time with Gavin, being absolutely certain that I am available to just do 'the next right thing'.

Nothing compares to the amazing amounts of inspiration I have/continue to receive, how wonderful total freedom to be at the service of others feels - knowing with absolute certainty that this will provide a better life for me than ANYTHING I could be doing for myself!! I am soaking up how OUTSTANDING what I am contributing to the world feels. Its such simple little things, for the most part, not a lot of time, not a lot of hard work or expertise - it's just me being available to the direction I receive & being able to 'give back' to the Lord, my family, the community & the world just as they have so selflessly given to me. Oh this beautiful thing, service, how it makes the world go round. I'm SO grateful to be free to do as much of it as I am! There DEFINITELY must be a service orientation to what I settle into once I do get a job or start down a career path, otherwise I think I'll just have to retire now & become a full time volunteer! LOL

**If you are able to volunteer, contribute to the garage sale, donate for the purchase of the basket materials visit www.utahbasketbrigade.com for more information. You are also MORE than welcome to email me with any questions you have, or just to say HI! :)

Interesting Perspective - A New One! :)

My Mom posted an interesting status on FB today about music, something that she taught me. You might have caught onto this already; she noted in her post how music speaks her heart...something along those lines. Many times I have reiterated those exact sentiments, especially since being 'plugged in' almost non-stop since jail.

Well just now something VERY curious happened. One of my FAVORITE songs (its a long list...this one really comes close to the top based on a video I saw & have shared continuously though) came on my IPod & for the FIRST time I looked at it in a new light, a new perspective - one that brought me IMMENSE JOY that I couldn't help sharing. * I'll note that this has been happening a LOT in the last little while!! This song, Lifehouse 'Everything' (lyrics) has always been a song has had a couple meanings to me since I first heard it. Initially it was about my husband/love of my life, then I saw the video & it became a song about my Savior, obviously.

Well tonight as I listened to this song I realized that this song is about ME! NEVER BEFORE HAVE I FELT COMPLETE & TOTAL ACCEPTANCE FOR MYSELF! How I have failed to credit myself in my life is unbelievable to me! Don't get me wrong, there is a HUGE place in my world for God, for my Savior, though my beliefs are still in their infancy & continue to grow.

I've never loved myself this way though & it feels amazing to be in awe of myself like this. I'd like to tell myself to balance, to be careful not to get carried away, but NAY! There is no way I want to diminish ANY part of this passion I have for the beautiful & powerful woman I am. I'll count on those around me who love me to keep this in check if the time comes that it's needed, for now I'm just going to bask in this like a warm fire would feel to someone who has been in Arctic for the last 15 years or so! :o) Oh, what I would have given to always feel this way! The gratitude I feel for myself & those who blessed my life to help me get to this point takes my breath away!

Now You Meet Dani

I honestly can say that Jane is NOT my personality in control of who I am today. SUCCESS!! Ah...it feel SO good!

I just got done with the most amazingly energetic day I could have possibly imagined. I feel more centered, more alive, more focused, more driven, more capable than my body/mind/soul/spirit could have ever FATHOMED POSSIBLE! :o) (silly little emoticons could never come close to replicating this energy, nor could my unreasonably talented gift for words EVER come close to expressing this true & powerful state & certainty I feel...but if I can't I MUST, so here I am trying!)

One of the things I notice most about myself in this state (raw power & direction) is that because it is new I tend to be very chaotic with it. Tony described in the seminar a breakthrough moment he experienced where he wrote 3 notebooks in a single day, breaking only 1 time for a quick meal because his arm was hurting (I feel that way a lot of times).

However, the single thing that calms me & harnesses this raw energy that is so untrained is my writing, so here I am. I want to cement what I have been through these last few days & in an effort to bring myself to the world I figured the best place to do that is give it to you now, not write it my journal to add to the blog in some organized/'right way' later. I am right, right now. As it comes out will be absolutely perfect so here it is.

What I want to give you all tonight is what I've found, myself/Dani, through this INTENSE process over the last 5 days or so (starting from the time I committed to attending the seminar Tuesday evening).

I am unstoppable. Everything that I need is available to me & I will take whatever I want from the world. The things that stop me in my life are the bullshit stories that I choose to allow to limit me. The truth is I have limitless power! I am loved and valued beyond anything that my mind can understand, EVERY MOMENT! The times I will feel that love & value with the greatest intensity is through creating value in the world & loving others. What I have to give to the world in every aspect of my life that I can imagine is worth infinitely more than any value I have yet to experience in my life (the infinite sacrifice of my Savior comes to mind only because I could never hope to understand the magnitude & total impact of such a sacrifice & gift, such is the mindset of what I describe for myself).

Now I am the voice. I will lead not follow. I will believe not doubt. I will create not destroy. I am a force for good. I am a a force for God. I am a leader. Defy the odds. Set a new standard. Step up. STEP UP!

I am outstanding, always have been, always will be. It is true that Jane has always stood out. Now instead of being reinforced & valued because I am broken & consuming energy from the world in that manner I choose to step up. To step out of Jane & live as Dani has always wanted to - having inspiration, love, gratitude fuel me & drive me to the outstanding life I will create for myself & allow others to bless me with!

I've arrived at a new peak in my life. In this month of Thanks there is nothing in my vocabulary that I could share with you if I wrote non-stop for the rest of my life that could convey the truth I feel about the gratitude & pure love I have for those who have come before me, created this possibility, taught me these skills, shared their experience, helped awaken my soul, expected more/not settled, showed me a way. My heart is so full, with tears streaming down my face I thank you. Thank you to every single person who ever expected more of me, who's heart ever ached for me, anyone who ever had a prayer that I would find a way, ever believed in me that I could & would find my purpose, discover my core, be happy, achieve great things - your dreams/my dreams have come true. Thank you for not losing your hope, each & every person in my life & in the UNIVERSE that has held onto the belief that there is MORE & chose to not settle is one ray in the lighthouse that has guided me to this new beginning! Thank you... You know who you are - and if you don't attend UPW & find out! LOL :o)

Its Time You Meet Jane

Some time ago in one of Dustins letters, shortly after his sentencing, he listed what he called a portion of his 'prison playlist' that was devoted to me - sounds gruesome a little, I know. Anyway, one of the songs that appeared on this list (songs that he thought of me during or spoke of his love to me, etc) was 'Jane Says' by Jane's Addiction.

I have known this song for years without having any real exposure to Jane's Addiction. Last summer Dustin & I saw Jane's Addiction perform in an amphitheater just outside Pittsburgh with NIN while we were living there. It was an amazing show & I found myself drawn to a lot of their music, particularly this, their theme song.

The story behind the song, as well as the name of the band, is cited on Wikipedia as 'The new band was dubbed "Jane's Addiction" in honor of Farrell's housemate, Jane Bainter, who was addicted to drugs. (I assume heroin given the time & the lyrics of the song)

When I read the letter I thought to myself, 'That's not me. I'm not that bad. I'm not a prostitute.' & pretty much dismissed it. Then the day I got home from the reunion I was standing in a gas station getting a drink & the song came on my IPod. I listened to the lyrics, remembering his words, 'So many of the things he says about her or she says I have heard you say or things I have seen you do.'. Let me be clear that there was no offense intended in this statement, nor was any taken.

On the exact opposite note I was moved to tears as I recognized myself as Jane, for the first time. No, I'm not a prostitute, nor have I ever been. Just about every aspect of the song speaks to me, my approach to my addiction, my false beliefs about it, my fear, my pain, my hopelessness, the lies...

Today as I leave for NYC, to attend UPW I embark on this terrifying journey with ONE GOAL IN MIND: TO LEAVE JANE IN NEW YORK. It seems like a great city for her, she'll enjoy it & I'll be free! I know full well that this is absolutely obtainable & it is the one thing that I want to focus on while I'm there!

I have never done anything so scary as this in my life, but here goes...boarding my plane to the place where I will leave Jane. May she rest in peace. She is such a powerful girl/woman. She has done so much for me in my life but there is so much more that I want & need out of life. I don't want to just 'survive' with her anymore. I want to FLY! Jane will never know how to fly, only Dani can fly!