5th Century Poetry & My Hope

My DARLING little sister motivated this blog post & also simultaneously made me feel guilty & flattered (she's REALLY great at multi-tasking, a highly gifted individual indeed!)  :o)

She is taking some kind of poetry course at Dixie this semester & came across a poem written in Sanskrit in the 5th Century.  She emailed it to me (here comes the flattery part) & said that she thought of me when she read it!  :)

The people in this world who scorn me

no doubt have special wisdom, 

so I don't write for them:

Instead, I write with the thought 

that since the world is wide and time is endless,

one day someone will be born

whose nature is the same as mine.

This speaks my heart about how I feel about my writing in a way that I can't fully express I'm sure.  My reply to her email went like this:

"That is SO FREAKIN AWESOME!  :o)  It's true too!  I don't write for the learned, I don't write to the successful.  I write for the lost soul, for the leader who has no consciousness of what is already complete in their being.  I write to those with unknown power that WILL change the world once it's discovered! :o)

I love you too!  I'm so flattered that you thought of me! :) "

And then the guilt set in. LOL  I often neglect to keep record & bear witness of the awesomeness of the my life, which I believe is necessary for future generations to benefit from.  I've often lamented this in my writing, that my only is hope is that ONE day, just ONE person might benefit, or avoid some catastrophe, or grow in some way, or gain some insight, or be able to fuel their passion through some experience or thought that I'm willing to share.  I truly believe this is a unique calling in my life & so I decided to DO something productive with my guilt & WRITE! hehe  Kuddo's Jaylyn, mission accomplished! :)

I'm so thankful for my ability to express my thoughts & feelings.  I'm grateful for the freedom & healing that I find in it & I'm SO grateful that those around me see what a special piece of my life it is (even when I sorely neglect it!).  

With that thought in mind I'd like to share something REALLY special that I have been thinking about for the last little while.  The thought first occurred to me when the 19th anniversary of the death of my Father came around this September.  I've been spending some time thinking about it off & on since then & had some very encouraging discussion with my Aunt Susan about it as well.  I'd like to write a biography for my Dad.  The reasoning behind this is purely selfish.  Recently I changed my story about him & in doing so realized that because of the old story I truly know NOTHING ABOUT HIM!  So the best way I know how to solve that problem (because it IS a problem for me) is to apply what has worked so well in my own life - TO WRITE!  So I'm off on what I'm sure will be a MOST incredible journey of discovery & healing!  I'm motivated & reminded of what a gift it is that I have, and how much power is contained in it.  Time to put this gift of mine to monumental use & see where I wind up!  :o)  

Opening Up & Letting Go

WOW!  It's been a LONG time!  I am not sure how long, but some digital timestamp somewhere could tell my readers exactly.  It's not really important though.  The point is that I was laying in bed just now trying to fall asleep with this blog post racing through my mind, and as a consequence & an effort to find restful sleep sooner - here I am.

Early on in my recover - before I even had any recovery to speak of from my drug addiction - one of the first & I believe most critical resolutions I made was to 'tell my story'.  Sharing the message is BIG for me & I can't tell you how many ears ring with my story & how many I have either bored to tears or terrified with my perspectives on life as I process through each day.  Special thanks to my Mom & close family & friends who put up with every minute of me & love me more completely than I think I have the capacity to understand at this point!  Thanks for not being scared anymore & just loving me!  It's such the highlight of my life today!  Blogging has been on my to-do list for months & months...and it's high time I get back to it.

Today is day 41.  I got clean July 26th, 2013, by the grace of God & it is by the grace of God that I am still sober & can't even put into words how amazing my quality of life is most days.  However, today wasn't really one of those quality days.  Don't misunderstand - on ANY day I have QUALITY problems that I wouldn't trade for my problems months ago - not for ANYTHING.  Nonetheless I have my days.

Today was very full.  I experienced terror, courage, exhaustion, pride, support, resourcefulness, hard work, explanation, patience, sorrow, success & achievement, anger, my inner mother bear, self love & self respect, service, companionship, relief & a variety of other things I'm not sure I want to take the time to cover.

Here is the thing I compared this too & realized this is somewhat of a pattern in my life (and in an effort to avoid my disease of being terminally unique figured I'd share....for someone's benefit, even if only my own).  More than a few of my days in early recovery have felt & looked just like today.  One minute I'm soaring gracefully through an amazing sky more elated & capable than you or I can imagine & the next I've lost a wing & I'm completely out of control - not sure how to avoid a life ending crash landing!  In these tailspins no one but God can save me!  I'm happy to say that today the crisis was avoided - thank God, LITERALLY!

The specific analogy that kept me awake tonight was that of a merry-go-round.  This reflection dates back to when I was just 6/7 years old I think & the park near my Grandma Palmer's home in Provo, UT.  I can remember often climbing on this ride only to realize every time without fail that I was too weak to maintain control - that the G force was too much for my weak tiny muscles & it went from enjoyable to terrifying in only a few short moments.  Too many times I recall being totally hysterical begging in my mind for it to stop!  while being so gripped by the fear I was immobilized & couldn't make a sound - never once did the thought enter my mind to just let go, I had to maintain control....

I'm grateful today to have a voice, to speak up when I'm afraid, to use tools - particularly relationship based & spiritual tools to not only prevent disaster in my life, but even more so to prevent fear & terror from ruling my existence.  Today I am capable of changing my state & focusing on other things to move away from my discomfort, or today I can radio in to dozens of resources to ensure I get the instruction I need for a safe landing - whether that is through prayer, a phone call, a meeting, reading, writing, service or time with friends. The chaos doesn't have to always exist & I don't have to ALWAYS be running (creating that incredible G Force)

These things aren't accidents & though I'm a re-tread that's been trying to get my arms around this deal for longer than seems reasonable the presence of these amazing survival gifts have never been part of the equation - for that I am incredibly & immeasurably grateful today!!  For by the grace of God I've made it one more day, another 24 hours & provided I can continue living based solely on these principles I know I'm investing in insurance against picking up a drug & heading down that path again.  What an incredible gift to have a solution to the pain!  :)  I feel so  blessed & fortunate!