Today I had a more amazing and wonderful experience than I have had in a REALLY LONG TIME! Ready, wait for it, I WENT TO THE DENTIST FOR A CLEANING!
Your giggling right? Well you shouldn't be, this is really a miracle & PROOF that God is doing for me what I cannot do for myself!! You see, my history with dental work has been nothing but a series of emergencies, the most recent of which landed me in the ER being heavily sedated/medicated to stop the nerve pain in my face.
One time when I was in Middle School I learned how to smile with my lips shut & laugh covering my mouth because I had a cavity that was black & covered nearly the whole front of a front tooth.
A few months ago I was down at the 4th Street Clinic, a clinic that serves the homeless in Salt Lake City, with Alan & they happened to have news crews there covering the celebration of them getting a federal grant to expand the clinic. The expansion was to include dental services as well as additional other services. I was all too happy to share my story and my take on what dental care might mean to this portion of the population. I won't go into detail about that here, so as not to distract from my MIRACLE today, but if you're interested you can read that article here.
You see, it wasn't long ago that I was a part of that population & didn't see an end to my suffering in sight. Well, ALL that changed today, and the outcome was better than expected. I have some cavities, but they'll be cleared up in 3 appointments, maybe 2!
I am beyond ecstatic over such a seemingly normal & silly little thing, but it's all about your perspective I suppose. I heard in a room once; 'When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change'. That seems all too fitting at the moment. The next time you're dreading going to the dentist or your child is throwing a tantrum perhaps you pull out of your proverbial hat mention of the 'girl you know who couldn't be more grateful to have the opportunity to go to the dentist instead of finding herself in a situation of unbearable pain, yet again'.
I am indeed grateful, and all I did to deserve it is show up for life. :) Funny how He works like that! One day at I time I don't really realize how much closer I am getting, step by step, to having a normal life again. I so very much appreciate the moments that I'm granted the grace of being able to put things in their proper perspective & be grateful for the dentist!
Monday, August 27, 2012
Monday, August 20, 2012
More Musical Inspiration :o) I'm on a ROLL!
On the way home from doing some service at my Sponsor's house just now I heard another of my ABSOLUTE FAVORITE songs! It's by the AMAZING band Mumford & Sons. The song I speak of is 'Roll Away Your Stone'.
For me, SO many of the songs this band sings give me SO much inspiration. Some commentary I have this song specifically is that it's all about my addiction, and what it will take to overcome it, why it IS the journey that it IS!
Roll away your stone, I'll roll away mine
Together we can see what we will find
Don't leave me alone at this time,
For I am afraid of what I will discover inside
You told me that I would find a hole,
Within the fragile substance of my soul
And I have filled this void with things unreal,
And all the while my character it steals
Darkness is a harsh term don't you think?
And yet it dominates the things I seek
It seems that all my bridges have been burned,
But, you say that's exactly how this grace thing works
It's not the long walk home
that will change this heart,
But the welcome I receive with the restart
Darkness is a harsh term don't you think?
And yet it dominates the things I seek
Darkness is a harsh term don't you think?
And yet it dominates the things I seek
Darkness is a harsh term don't you think?
And yet it dominates the things I seek
Stars hide your fires,
And these here are my desires
And I will give them up to you this time around
And so, I'll be found
with my steak stuck in this ground
Marking its territory of this newly impassioned soul
hide your fires,
these are my desires
And I will give them up to you this time around
And so, I'll be found
with my stake stuck in this ground
Marking its territory of this newly impassioned soul
But you, you've gone too far this time
You have neither reason nor rhyme
With which to take this soul that is so rightfully mine
Its such a BEAUTIFUL picture of my recovery. What the past has been, the challenges life holds, and the ultimate RESOLUTION and CLAIM that I personally HAD to make to begin to do something different! Music is amazing for my soul!
For me, SO many of the songs this band sings give me SO much inspiration. Some commentary I have this song specifically is that it's all about my addiction, and what it will take to overcome it, why it IS the journey that it IS!
Roll away your stone, I'll roll away mine
Together we can see what we will find
Don't leave me alone at this time,
For I am afraid of what I will discover inside
You told me that I would find a hole,
Within the fragile substance of my soul
And I have filled this void with things unreal,
And all the while my character it steals
Darkness is a harsh term don't you think?
And yet it dominates the things I seek
It seems that all my bridges have been burned,
But, you say that's exactly how this grace thing works
It's not the long walk home
that will change this heart,
But the welcome I receive with the restart
Darkness is a harsh term don't you think?
And yet it dominates the things I seek
Darkness is a harsh term don't you think?
And yet it dominates the things I seek
Darkness is a harsh term don't you think?
And yet it dominates the things I seek
Stars hide your fires,
And these here are my desires
And I will give them up to you this time around
And so, I'll be found
with my steak stuck in this ground
Marking its territory of this newly impassioned soul
hide your fires,
these are my desires
And I will give them up to you this time around
And so, I'll be found
with my stake stuck in this ground
Marking its territory of this newly impassioned soul
But you, you've gone too far this time
You have neither reason nor rhyme
With which to take this soul that is so rightfully mine
Its such a BEAUTIFUL picture of my recovery. What the past has been, the challenges life holds, and the ultimate RESOLUTION and CLAIM that I personally HAD to make to begin to do something different! Music is amazing for my soul!
The Devastating Scarring of Suicide
Since I was 10 years old the sting and trauma of suicide has been a wedge between every relationship, a rain-cloud overhead, a hole in my heart, a nightmare to escape, and so on & so forth.
For me, the only value I've found (thus-far) in this scar I bear and the way it affects my life, has been that through the darkness that I've known, NEVER have I thought this was a solution for me; for that I am SO VERY grateful!
Then the other day I had the first of what may turn out to be many experiences to share my insight. A friend that I'd prefer to remain anonymous was VERY serious about committing suicide. This woman has been through a LOT, she has pain that I hope to never understand and she came to a point that she believed there was nothing left, except her hurt.
The following are a series of text messages that I sent to her that explain better than I've ever been able to express before this time, how I feel about suicide and WHAT it truly is. Posting this on my blog is merely an effort to hopefully make this insight useful to others, and my NO means is a way to 'toot my own horn', I don't have any business tooting any horns, but I do hope that my experience can benefit others.
**CAUTION - THERE IS SOME EXPLICIT LANGUAGE**
"So I must say that considering you are a woman I have earned a GREAT deal of respect for due to your immense ability to love and give so passionately you've blown my mind with the path that you're threatening, and I might add that you are being taken very seriously. For what its worth I thought it was important to give you the REALITY OF WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT DOING, because you are VERY CONFUSED about it & I hope with all my heart that something in what I have to say hits home."
"First off, while I've had my own share of horrific pain, I CANNOT relate to your loss of ***. I can't imagine! That said, while I don't personally understand there are people EVERYWHERE who do, and are not making the choice you are, so get it out of your head that there is no answer, no healing, no way..."
"Next, you mentioned ending the pain, & you need to understand that NOTHING IS FARTHER FROM THE TRUTH!! The reality that I want you to be aware of is that if you fulfill your desire to stop hurting YOUR PAIN DOES NOT DISAPPEAR!!! Rather, the truth is that your pain is transferred, it's transferred to ***, ****, your grandchildren, your family, everyone you've EVER KNOWN! No one will be grateful, no one will understand, everyone will be scarred beyond recognition, and carry the burden of your SELFISHNESS & WEAKNESS for generations to come!! IT WILL NEVER GO AWAY!! Right now you carry it alone & I believe you that it's unbearable, but for WHATEVER REASON IT'S YOURS TO BEAR!"
Having lost my Dad to the same fate, albeit a much younger age, let me paint the future of the people who care about you. Beyond the years of initial numbness, devastation & struggle to survive then there comes the anger & pain & emptiness that will overshadow EVERY JOY that they deserve to experience FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES!! It will never leave. For instance, the birth of a child, starting/finishing school, marriages, birthdays, EVERY holiday, places, songs, people, right down to the moments when they are hurting & only need you."
"When you built relationships, got married, made friends, & ABOVE ALL ELSE BROUGHT A CHILD INTO THIS WORLD, YOU GAVE UP YOUR RIGHT TO BE SELFISH LIKE THIS!!! Your life in ALL of those constructive moments became LESS & LESS ABOUT YOU!"
"Find answers, reach out for HELP. Call someone, go somewhere, ANYWHERE. Get off your ass, dust yourself off & don't quit. Not for you, because you want to. I DON'T GIVE A FUCK WHETHER OR NOT YOU WANT TO LIVE. WHO THE FUCK GAVE YOU THE IMPRESSION THAT ITS YOUR CHOICE TO MAKE!!"
"That's all, my hands are clean now & all you'll have from me from this point on is my prayers...Somewhere in you, I know you know I'm right & I know you have the strength & courage to do something about this I believe."
That was the end of the conversation & really honestly it felt so good to finally be able to express what it REALLY means to lose someone to that fate.
For me, the only value I've found (thus-far) in this scar I bear and the way it affects my life, has been that through the darkness that I've known, NEVER have I thought this was a solution for me; for that I am SO VERY grateful!
Then the other day I had the first of what may turn out to be many experiences to share my insight. A friend that I'd prefer to remain anonymous was VERY serious about committing suicide. This woman has been through a LOT, she has pain that I hope to never understand and she came to a point that she believed there was nothing left, except her hurt.
The following are a series of text messages that I sent to her that explain better than I've ever been able to express before this time, how I feel about suicide and WHAT it truly is. Posting this on my blog is merely an effort to hopefully make this insight useful to others, and my NO means is a way to 'toot my own horn', I don't have any business tooting any horns, but I do hope that my experience can benefit others.
**CAUTION - THERE IS SOME EXPLICIT LANGUAGE**
"So I must say that considering you are a woman I have earned a GREAT deal of respect for due to your immense ability to love and give so passionately you've blown my mind with the path that you're threatening, and I might add that you are being taken very seriously. For what its worth I thought it was important to give you the REALITY OF WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT DOING, because you are VERY CONFUSED about it & I hope with all my heart that something in what I have to say hits home."
"First off, while I've had my own share of horrific pain, I CANNOT relate to your loss of ***. I can't imagine! That said, while I don't personally understand there are people EVERYWHERE who do, and are not making the choice you are, so get it out of your head that there is no answer, no healing, no way..."
"Next, you mentioned ending the pain, & you need to understand that NOTHING IS FARTHER FROM THE TRUTH!! The reality that I want you to be aware of is that if you fulfill your desire to stop hurting YOUR PAIN DOES NOT DISAPPEAR!!! Rather, the truth is that your pain is transferred, it's transferred to ***, ****, your grandchildren, your family, everyone you've EVER KNOWN! No one will be grateful, no one will understand, everyone will be scarred beyond recognition, and carry the burden of your SELFISHNESS & WEAKNESS for generations to come!! IT WILL NEVER GO AWAY!! Right now you carry it alone & I believe you that it's unbearable, but for WHATEVER REASON IT'S YOURS TO BEAR!"
Having lost my Dad to the same fate, albeit a much younger age, let me paint the future of the people who care about you. Beyond the years of initial numbness, devastation & struggle to survive then there comes the anger & pain & emptiness that will overshadow EVERY JOY that they deserve to experience FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES!! It will never leave. For instance, the birth of a child, starting/finishing school, marriages, birthdays, EVERY holiday, places, songs, people, right down to the moments when they are hurting & only need you."
"When you built relationships, got married, made friends, & ABOVE ALL ELSE BROUGHT A CHILD INTO THIS WORLD, YOU GAVE UP YOUR RIGHT TO BE SELFISH LIKE THIS!!! Your life in ALL of those constructive moments became LESS & LESS ABOUT YOU!"
"Find answers, reach out for HELP. Call someone, go somewhere, ANYWHERE. Get off your ass, dust yourself off & don't quit. Not for you, because you want to. I DON'T GIVE A FUCK WHETHER OR NOT YOU WANT TO LIVE. WHO THE FUCK GAVE YOU THE IMPRESSION THAT ITS YOUR CHOICE TO MAKE!!"
"That's all, my hands are clean now & all you'll have from me from this point on is my prayers...Somewhere in you, I know you know I'm right & I know you have the strength & courage to do something about this I believe."
That was the end of the conversation & really honestly it felt so good to finally be able to express what it REALLY means to lose someone to that fate.
Little Miss
I heard the most inspiring song by Sugarland today! The song is 'Little Miss'. The lyrics are below...
"Little Miss"
Little miss, brand new start
Little miss, do your part
Little miss, big old heart beats wide open and she's ready now for love
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
Yeah, sometimes you gotta lose 'til you win
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
It'll be alright again
It'll be alright again, I'm okay
It'll be alright again, I'm okay (I'm okay, it'll be alright again)
I'm okay! (It'll be alright again)
I played this song over and over while I worked today. What a beautiful picture of just holding on. :)
"Little Miss"
Little miss done on love
Little miss, I give up
Little miss, I'll get tough, don't you worry about me anymore
Little miss checkered dress
Little miss, one big mess
Little miss, I'll take less when I always give so much more
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
Yeah, sometimes you gotta lose 'til you win
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
It'll be alright again
It'll be alright again, I'm okay
It'll be alright again, I'm okay (I'm okay)
It'll be alright again, I'm okay
Little miss, do your best
Little miss, never rest
Little miss, be my guest, I'll make more anytime that it runs out
Little miss, you'll go far
Little miss, hide your scars
Little miss, who you are is so much more than you like to talk about
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
Yeah, sometimes you gotta lose 'til you win
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
It'll be alright again
It'll be alright again, I'm okay
It'll be alright again, I'm okay (I'm okay)
It'll be alright again, I'm okay
Hold on
Hold on, you are loved
Are loved...
Little miss, I give up
Little miss, I'll get tough, don't you worry about me anymore
Little miss checkered dress
Little miss, one big mess
Little miss, I'll take less when I always give so much more
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
Yeah, sometimes you gotta lose 'til you win
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
It'll be alright again
It'll be alright again, I'm okay
It'll be alright again, I'm okay (I'm okay)
It'll be alright again, I'm okay
Little miss, do your best
Little miss, never rest
Little miss, be my guest, I'll make more anytime that it runs out
Little miss, you'll go far
Little miss, hide your scars
Little miss, who you are is so much more than you like to talk about
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
Yeah, sometimes you gotta lose 'til you win
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
It'll be alright again
It'll be alright again, I'm okay
It'll be alright again, I'm okay (I'm okay)
It'll be alright again, I'm okay
Hold on
Hold on, you are loved
Are loved...
Little miss, brand new start
Little miss, do your part
Little miss, big old heart beats wide open and she's ready now for love
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
Yeah, sometimes you gotta lose 'til you win
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
It'll be alright again
It'll be alright again, I'm okay
It'll be alright again, I'm okay (I'm okay, it'll be alright again)
I'm okay! (It'll be alright again)
I played this song over and over while I worked today. What a beautiful picture of just holding on. :)
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