I simply CANNOT go on any longer in this pattern of dependence on people in my life! Every time I wind up a victim of some reaction they have to me or my actions creating a complete sense of instability in my life. I can't tolerate this any longer.
I feel stuck in this circle of impossibility though. I have no transportation, no housing, no source of income...I feel like I don't have a leg to stand on. I'm not sure where to go from here. I have been looking desperately for the answer to this question, the exit from this circle for THREE MONTHS now!
I'm so incredibly grateful for all the help & opportunities that have been provided to me. I have had so many more blessings come to me & resources available to me, by far, than most people who have been through what I have. Why then can I not make SOMETHING stick!?! Why does my life continue in this round of failures?
At least I am out of the sinking...I'll just keep swimming I guess...Keep posting, keep thinking, keep looking for an answer, for options. My self-esteem & will to survive at this point are very weak...my personality shows me over & over again how quickly that perception can change though. Its so easy for me to find hope in my life that some tiny success, one thing to look forward to, something to feel proud of, something to be excited about is all that I need to fire me to the next pit stop...I hope I find it soon.
It definitely has been another 'court ruined week'. Hopefully Dustin gets sentenced next week. Hopefully I am able to make some progress I can hang on tight to in the next week or two (a job, getting a car, having a place to live that I know will be stable until I can get my own house, etc). I'm definitely continuing to swim, in the face of SERIOUSLY wanting to 'Swim Aawy'!
This is the face of the daily trials in my life I guess. This is about as real as it gets, a look at the constant frustration, feeling of loss, self-abuse, confusion, depression, hopelessness. I know that it's not unique, that its a perception, that it won't last, that I just need to hold on a little longer, that something is bound to change because change is the only constant, none of that is helping right now though...
Til next time & I hope something better to offer the world than the ugly side of my life. Here's to praying for something good to report in my next post, to something being resolved, figuring out how to meet my needs. Thanks for your love & support.
Dani,
ReplyDeleteI read your post, and the only thing that comes to mind is that you have put yourself in this situation,( and please dont take this in a bad way) If you let yourself continue to stay in the situation that you are in, then you will never get on the right road to SUCCESS, the only person that can get you out, is YOU... You have to want it really bad.
No one ever said life was easy, that's for sure.. You need to find in yourself the strength to get up and continue on, even if that means by yourself.. You have the most amazing little boy that needs his mother, needs stability, needs to know that mommy is there, and right now he does not have that.. The most important thing in life right now is the fact that you can carry on...
A job will come, even if it is not what you want, take it, it will be a stepping stone for something better down the road, ( it is income ). A home will come also, but if you dont get yourself out of this little corner that you are in waiting for Dustin to get out, your life will continue to stay where it is, and going no where, I dont mean to sound cruel.. BUT, i have been there, you know that, After 16 yrs of marriage to Robert, he left me, and I had to raise Jason ALL BY MY SELF, no help from anyone, the thing is Dani, is you are not quite putting the interest of your son first, now dont go all crazy just listen, what i mean is this, if all you think about is Dustin getting out and waiting for that to happen, if and when it happens, then all you do is nothing, are you following me.. You need to think, if i dont eat, Gavin dont eat, if I dont have a bed to sleep in, Gavin dont have a bed to sleep in. At first it will be very very hard, but you know as well as i do Dani that you are very smart.. So.. with that said, and I hope that you dont take this the wrong way, but as Gavin's grandma, and your ex- mother in law, to which i still love you to death, you need to get your head out of your butt and wake up, it is almost as if you dont really care anymore, about yourself or anything else, I know this sounds really harsh and I am sorry for that, but you need to hear what i am seeing... If I did it at the age of 24, when robert left me, you can do it.. Dont take no for an answer from anyone, stand up and be strong, you have become a little weak in the last year Dani that i can see.. Make your priorites,( Gavin your son number one, above anyone, anything, else.. I will always support you, look what you gave me... Sorry that this is kinda harsh, but you need to hear it.. GET TOUGH, STAND UP, and DONT WAIT for ANYONE to make the move for you, because the only one that can do that is YOU.....You dont need wait for anyone, especially someone who is going to take you down, and make your life a living hell...
I Love you always, take care of you, make good choices, for the better, in the end, you will be the one standing and not lying on the ground looking up...
Love you
Mom TJ