Catch Up

I had a friend on FB (has known Dustin for many many years) ask what was going on with Dustin today. I replied to her message & realized that it was the most concisely I'd filled anyone in on the entire story probably ever so I decided it would work for catching up here too, for those of you who don't know the recent history. I have also been meaning to post this particular 'beginning' for some time so it worked out nicely.

Dustin & I have both struggled with drugs & addiction for most of our lives. We started using about six months after we got married. Our addiction eventually escalated to the point of daily use, our lives falling apart. We were using primarily opiates (pain pills - for those not familiar) in the beginning & heroin after our addiction got more serious.

Eventually our lives were so out of control that we did what most addicts do, turned to crime (beyond selling drugs) to avoid being sick & keep feeding our addiction. In the spring 2010 Dustin & I were both arrested on a collection of criminal charges; drug possession, paraphenilia, burglary, theft. Individually we have some that don't line up, but those are the serious charges we were/are up against.

I was in jail 4 days in March & Dustin the entire month. Then we were both arrested April 27th & I was released June 14th. Dustin finally got sentenced Tuesday (it was continued 4 times for a total of 5 weeks!). He was sentenced to serve 3 0-5 yr terms in the UT State Prison. The judge (Ludlow) waived his 'pay to stay fees' & ran the sentences concurrent, meaning that he will only serve one term verses having them consecutive (one after another - what the prosecutor asked for).

My charges are still pending. Being a first time offender it's likely I'll get into therapy (commonly referred to as 'programming') & be on probation for 18 months to 3 years.

So there you have it. That's the history of how I got in this mess. My time in jail is where I got passionate about what I want to do with my life, now if I could just get a handle on my life circumstances, my addiction & my emotional/psychological health enough to be able to do that!

Since the girl I wrote back knows Dustin I also included an offer to give her Dustin's address. It's so hard to be incarcerated & any bit of mail (even a card once a month, ANYTHING) helps SO much. If anyone is interested in writing Dustin please let me know & I'll be happy to get you his address & ID number. Its SO time consuming & VERY expensive to support inmates but the support they receive while incarcerated & after their release is the single most deciding factor in thier success (aside from their own will).

He currently considering a program at the jail in Beaver for drug treatment. Moving forward he'll be transfered to the prison in Draper, undergo R & O (Recieving & Orientation), & then hopefully be transfered to the program in Beaver. Aside from the program Beaver offers the option of full day visits - one of the main factors in his choice, aside from the treatment. There are also programs at the Gunnison (HOPE) & Draper (Conquest) prisons which he may get into as well. The prison programs are both longer term programs I believe, which I think could effect the parole date the board gives him.

I'm not sure how long the board is taking these days to process initial hearings. It could be 2-3 months maybe. The Board of Pardons operates like a new judge basically. They review his charges, file, circumstances, behavior while incarcerated, plans upon release, conduct an interview & then issue a date for release to parole (supervised almost always - becomes like intense probation for standard 3 years). So we'll hide & watch for now. He'll likely be transferred to the prison within the next week or two (assuming they don't lose his paperwork or some other silly complication like that).

I'm hiding & watching for now too as far as my cases are concerned & working my butt off to put life back together otherwise.

Where to Go

I've been sinking for a few days. Anytime I go days without posting & visiting FB or Twitter things are generally not going well. In the last couple days I hit a nice big patch of chaos in my life. I need so badly to have housing, transportation, an income source that's within my control, some stability that I am able to manage!

I simply CANNOT go on any longer in this pattern of dependence on people in my life! Every time I wind up a victim of some reaction they have to me or my actions creating a complete sense of instability in my life. I can't tolerate this any longer.

I feel stuck in this circle of impossibility though. I have no transportation, no housing, no source of income...I feel like I don't have a leg to stand on. I'm not sure where to go from here. I have been looking desperately for the answer to this question, the exit from this circle for THREE MONTHS now!

I'm so incredibly grateful for all the help & opportunities that have been provided to me. I have had so many more blessings come to me & resources available to me, by far, than most people who have been through what I have. Why then can I not make SOMETHING stick!?! Why does my life continue in this round of failures?

At least I am out of the sinking...I'll just keep swimming I guess...Keep posting, keep thinking, keep looking for an answer, for options. My self-esteem & will to survive at this point are very weak...my personality shows me over & over again how quickly that perception can change though. Its so easy for me to find hope in my life that some tiny success, one thing to look forward to, something to feel proud of, something to be excited about is all that I need to fire me to the next pit stop...I hope I find it soon.

It definitely has been another 'court ruined week'. Hopefully Dustin gets sentenced next week. Hopefully I am able to make some progress I can hang on tight to in the next week or two (a job, getting a car, having a place to live that I know will be stable until I can get my own house, etc). I'm definitely continuing to swim, in the face of SERIOUSLY wanting to 'Swim Aawy'!

This is the face of the daily trials in my life I guess. This is about as real as it gets, a look at the constant frustration, feeling of loss, self-abuse, confusion, depression, hopelessness. I know that it's not unique, that its a perception, that it won't last, that I just need to hold on a little longer, that something is bound to change because change is the only constant, none of that is helping right now though...

Til next time & I hope something better to offer the world than the ugly side of my life. Here's to praying for something good to report in my next post, to something being resolved, figuring out how to meet my needs. Thanks for your love & support.

Legacy Development - The Birth

You'll see in a later post how many different 'beginnings' I went back & forth about using. I started into my basic history & got pretty depressed & couldn't decide what direction to take it, how concise to make it, etc. I'm just not having that good of a day to put that much work into this post, so instead I've chosen the beginning of my Legacy Development (much more fun & energizing - for me).

Legacy Development is a term that I recently coined to reference my life's mission, all of the different goals I have, organizations I will start, companies I will own, laws I will change, etc. All of these things are intertwined, connected & focused on one dream/goal: To facilitate meaningful & drastic positive change in the lives of those affected by the justice system of the U.S., primarily those involving addiction. There are a lot of means by which I'd like to accomplish this goal. I have idea after idea about changing laws, providing opportunities, education, employment, voting, raising awareness, correcting & preventing abuses against this group of citizens...the list goes on & on.

The reason that I settled on the term Legacy Development is because I found myself in conversation often searching for a term to describe what I was doing. I used terms such as; my life's mission, my project, my career, my passion; nothing fit quite right. From the beginning the ending to my 'elevator pitch' about this effort has been, 'There will likely be very little accomplished during my lifetime, but my hope is that I can put in enough work that the cause will be carried on long after I'm gone & it is how I will be remembered'. This work I am doing will be the legacy that I leave behind, this is my life's passion. So when I was writing the other day - not here but in one of the MANY other places I write LOL - it dawned on me that everything that I do for this cause is developing my legacy. :)

Back to the beginning, how this all got started & how I realized my 'soul's purpose'. It all started with my education of the justice system, I suppose. I'm not referencing formal education of any kind, just the more involved I got the more experience I had & this increased my understanding of how 'the system' functioned.

I watched myself, teenage friends & most recently my husbands brother go through many court cases, probation, incarceration, juvenile detention, treatment programs, therapy, etc. From the time I was a teenager until the Spring of this year I steadily just acquired more & more information, developing opinions about 'justice' as I went.

In the Spring, while I was incarcerated, I was your average inmate, hated 'the system' & felt incredibly wronged in many ways. This is NOT to say that I don't believe in crime/punishment or in the justice system. I very much deserved to be in jail, it was all the 'little things' I experienced or saw along the way that gave brought me to the realization of how broken things are & ignited my passion/motivated me to work to create change.

What started this fire was not only my own experience but the experiences relayed to me by nearly EVERYONE around me. All of the people I met were full of horror stories, had experienced so many awful injustices, often undergone inhumane treatment/punishments but most of all everyone I came in contact with had the spirit of life crushed out of them, they felt & remain feeling completely powerless & helpless. They believe that they can have no impact on their circumstances, no control over their lives (this is NOT just on the 'inside' but on the 'outside' as well). I can't tell you the number of times I'd be infuriated about something & provide options for a resolution & the other party (the victim) would just shrug their shoulders or argue with me that they could never achieve success or a different outcome - it broke my heart worse than any skinny child on an infomercial has!

As time went on & my knowledge & experience increased so did my frustration towards the broken system & the pain I felt for the victims of it. Before I was released I had resolved that I would do everything I could to make whatever changes possible to decrease the number of victims of the system, to minimize the abuse, to correct the injustices & prevent future injustices from occurring. Since my release the ideas have just continued to flow. The 'idea fairy' visits me regularly with inspiration about yet another task to add to the list, or another way to help.

The very first idea that came about was publishing my life. I am an avid writer anyway, for mostly purely selfish & therapeutic reasons. I have long since dreamed that my journals would one day have an impact or value to someone else, other than myself & it just dawned on me one day; why would I have to be dead for that to happen? So my journey towards my legacy development begins here, by making the public aware of my story. Hopefully that helps an individual, makes a government official think twice about a new law, motivates a guard to modify his/her behavior, causes a voter to think of a group of their community they may not have considered their vote having an effect on, etc. I hope that my story just has a snowball effect & opens the doorway to all of my other goals & dreams in creating my legacy.

So that's the beginning, that's the birth of how this blog came to be, of how I realized my passion in life. It seems super long to me, hopefully I didn't bore any of you to tears. I really feel like I left so much out too! LOL One of my favorite fun phrases about myself, especially lately, is 'I'm full of words'. :)

Here Goes

So I'm off to the races today. I noticed on my sisters FB that today marks the 16th anniversary of my dads passing, suicide to be specific... Interesting. I'm still chewing on that. I suppose getting this blog off the ground is a nice way to turn this crap of a day around.

For those of you who have stopped by to read, thanks! My hope is that documenting my journey, especially the portion I'm on now, will help someone else out there on their journey. Aside from that my reason for writing is really purely selfish. I have always found so much peace, solice, control, answers, etc in my journals, ink, & time I spend writing now I'm just giving my therapy to the world in hopes that I can bless the life of someone else out there.

I definitely have LOTS to say about LOTS of things! For those of you who have spent some time around me recently you can testify of this. :) From the mouths of two or more witnesses right? LOL

I think for today I'm just going to celebrate & congratulate myself on getting the blog created, let everyone on FB know that it exists & start my writing on specific topics tomorrow. :o) Enjoy my blog, or don't & stop reading it!