5th Century Poetry & My Hope

My DARLING little sister motivated this blog post & also simultaneously made me feel guilty & flattered (she's REALLY great at multi-tasking, a highly gifted individual indeed!)  :o)

She is taking some kind of poetry course at Dixie this semester & came across a poem written in Sanskrit in the 5th Century.  She emailed it to me (here comes the flattery part) & said that she thought of me when she read it!  :)

The people in this world who scorn me

no doubt have special wisdom, 

so I don't write for them:

Instead, I write with the thought 

that since the world is wide and time is endless,

one day someone will be born

whose nature is the same as mine.

This speaks my heart about how I feel about my writing in a way that I can't fully express I'm sure.  My reply to her email went like this:

"That is SO FREAKIN AWESOME!  :o)  It's true too!  I don't write for the learned, I don't write to the successful.  I write for the lost soul, for the leader who has no consciousness of what is already complete in their being.  I write to those with unknown power that WILL change the world once it's discovered! :o)

I love you too!  I'm so flattered that you thought of me! :) "

And then the guilt set in. LOL  I often neglect to keep record & bear witness of the awesomeness of the my life, which I believe is necessary for future generations to benefit from.  I've often lamented this in my writing, that my only is hope is that ONE day, just ONE person might benefit, or avoid some catastrophe, or grow in some way, or gain some insight, or be able to fuel their passion through some experience or thought that I'm willing to share.  I truly believe this is a unique calling in my life & so I decided to DO something productive with my guilt & WRITE! hehe  Kuddo's Jaylyn, mission accomplished! :)

I'm so thankful for my ability to express my thoughts & feelings.  I'm grateful for the freedom & healing that I find in it & I'm SO grateful that those around me see what a special piece of my life it is (even when I sorely neglect it!).  

With that thought in mind I'd like to share something REALLY special that I have been thinking about for the last little while.  The thought first occurred to me when the 19th anniversary of the death of my Father came around this September.  I've been spending some time thinking about it off & on since then & had some very encouraging discussion with my Aunt Susan about it as well.  I'd like to write a biography for my Dad.  The reasoning behind this is purely selfish.  Recently I changed my story about him & in doing so realized that because of the old story I truly know NOTHING ABOUT HIM!  So the best way I know how to solve that problem (because it IS a problem for me) is to apply what has worked so well in my own life - TO WRITE!  So I'm off on what I'm sure will be a MOST incredible journey of discovery & healing!  I'm motivated & reminded of what a gift it is that I have, and how much power is contained in it.  Time to put this gift of mine to monumental use & see where I wind up!  :o)  

Opening Up & Letting Go

WOW!  It's been a LONG time!  I am not sure how long, but some digital timestamp somewhere could tell my readers exactly.  It's not really important though.  The point is that I was laying in bed just now trying to fall asleep with this blog post racing through my mind, and as a consequence & an effort to find restful sleep sooner - here I am.

Early on in my recover - before I even had any recovery to speak of from my drug addiction - one of the first & I believe most critical resolutions I made was to 'tell my story'.  Sharing the message is BIG for me & I can't tell you how many ears ring with my story & how many I have either bored to tears or terrified with my perspectives on life as I process through each day.  Special thanks to my Mom & close family & friends who put up with every minute of me & love me more completely than I think I have the capacity to understand at this point!  Thanks for not being scared anymore & just loving me!  It's such the highlight of my life today!  Blogging has been on my to-do list for months & months...and it's high time I get back to it.

Today is day 41.  I got clean July 26th, 2013, by the grace of God & it is by the grace of God that I am still sober & can't even put into words how amazing my quality of life is most days.  However, today wasn't really one of those quality days.  Don't misunderstand - on ANY day I have QUALITY problems that I wouldn't trade for my problems months ago - not for ANYTHING.  Nonetheless I have my days.

Today was very full.  I experienced terror, courage, exhaustion, pride, support, resourcefulness, hard work, explanation, patience, sorrow, success & achievement, anger, my inner mother bear, self love & self respect, service, companionship, relief & a variety of other things I'm not sure I want to take the time to cover.

Here is the thing I compared this too & realized this is somewhat of a pattern in my life (and in an effort to avoid my disease of being terminally unique figured I'd share....for someone's benefit, even if only my own).  More than a few of my days in early recovery have felt & looked just like today.  One minute I'm soaring gracefully through an amazing sky more elated & capable than you or I can imagine & the next I've lost a wing & I'm completely out of control - not sure how to avoid a life ending crash landing!  In these tailspins no one but God can save me!  I'm happy to say that today the crisis was avoided - thank God, LITERALLY!

The specific analogy that kept me awake tonight was that of a merry-go-round.  This reflection dates back to when I was just 6/7 years old I think & the park near my Grandma Palmer's home in Provo, UT.  I can remember often climbing on this ride only to realize every time without fail that I was too weak to maintain control - that the G force was too much for my weak tiny muscles & it went from enjoyable to terrifying in only a few short moments.  Too many times I recall being totally hysterical begging in my mind for it to stop!  while being so gripped by the fear I was immobilized & couldn't make a sound - never once did the thought enter my mind to just let go, I had to maintain control....

I'm grateful today to have a voice, to speak up when I'm afraid, to use tools - particularly relationship based & spiritual tools to not only prevent disaster in my life, but even more so to prevent fear & terror from ruling my existence.  Today I am capable of changing my state & focusing on other things to move away from my discomfort, or today I can radio in to dozens of resources to ensure I get the instruction I need for a safe landing - whether that is through prayer, a phone call, a meeting, reading, writing, service or time with friends. The chaos doesn't have to always exist & I don't have to ALWAYS be running (creating that incredible G Force)

These things aren't accidents & though I'm a re-tread that's been trying to get my arms around this deal for longer than seems reasonable the presence of these amazing survival gifts have never been part of the equation - for that I am incredibly & immeasurably grateful today!!  For by the grace of God I've made it one more day, another 24 hours & provided I can continue living based solely on these principles I know I'm investing in insurance against picking up a drug & heading down that path again.  What an incredible gift to have a solution to the pain!  :)  I feel so  blessed & fortunate!

TOOT TOOT!

No, I'm sorry, this post is not about farts - or trains.  But since I've got you here, read along. :o)

Rarely am I in the habit of 'tooting my own horn', in fact, for the most part I work CRAZY hard not to.  Most days I'm barely a blip on the map, let alone able to celebrate myself in a healthy way.  I haven't written in a while and I've had a crazy last couple of days - in which the keynote was a HUGE undertaking and subsequent SUCCESS - so I thought, what the hell, Right? :)

I hear on a pretty regular basis comments along the lines of, 'You're SO SMART!', but it for some reason it takes a really stunning accomplishment for that to actually sink in.  LOL  I'm super grateful to have just experienced one such accomplishment!  :)

Wednesday after work I returned a message left by one of my wonderful sisters, to remain unnamed.  She had called about some side work she wanted to offer me (code for she didn't want to do it herself and since she's THE BOSS, she gets to decide what to do and what to pay for - what a life!).  If you missed the recent events affecting my income, let me just briefly say that my past is catching up a bit and my income is being garnished at 15%!!  It was a no-brainer, no matter how challenging the project, or how tight the deadline to accept!

The project I went to work on Wednesday evening was to write 13 articles to be used in a SEM (Search Engine Marketing) campaign, for an industry I knew NOTHING about, and needed to be delivered to said sister 'Saturday'.  I later adjusted the deadline to allow myself ALL OF SATURDAY (12am Sunday), because when I really got into it I was scarred shitless!

Its been a CRAZY couple of days, but I just submitted ALL of the completed articles FOUR AND A HALF HOURS before the deadline!!  I'm so ecstatic!  I am in the midst of doing my Happy/I'm Amazing Dance, and I will honestly admit it's been too long since I got to do this!  Ya'll are missing out!  :o)

That's all she wrote, well not literally!  The end

Restless, Irritable and Discontent

I must say that these three emotions are some of my least favorite in the whole spectrum of emotions I feel/have felt.  I think I dislike them so much mostly because I understand them the least.  There isn't really a solution I have found to them.

Today, for instance...well the last two days really, I have just been feeling blue.  I'm uncomfortable anytime that I'm sitting still.  Fortunately, I'm not in as bad a place as I have been in my history, so I kept my feet moving.  Gratefully, while I was busy I was not so blue.  When I settled back down though and slowed my pace the emptiness and discontent came back.

It's difficult, at best, for me to get through times like this.  I must say, however, that they come far less often than they used to.  I used to live in this state nearly constantly.  I'm happy, even in this state, to say that most days anymore don't feel like this.

I sure do wish though that I knew what to do.  Recently I have had more than a few conversations with family members about 'mental illness that runs in the family'.  I've always held that my depression and other mental defects are situations of moral and choices rather than just a part of my chemical makeup.  I feel this way primarily because when I have made different choices the symptoms are all but non-existent.  Time and time again this theory is proved by the evidence of my experience.

Because I have proved my theory so many times it seems only logical that when I am feeling this way it is due to some part of my existence being in discord with what should be.  It's a pretty good possibility that this discomfort is nothing more than a signaling system, an internal road map if you will.

That's where the dislike comes in.  I don't want to be uncomfortable, and if it's an 'internal job' of acceptance, or the resolution requires some action on my part, I'm mystified, which makes me feel stuck.  I don't like to feel stuck.  I'm a fast paced individual by nature, so sometimes the timing of life leaves much to be desired.  The past few days have felt a lot like that - that I'm just off.

If I could wish for one virtue it would be patience, and the very next one I would wish for - if I had access to a perfecting genie in a bottle, would be able to accept each moment as perfect.  These moments are perfect, says my faith, but they feel anything but - stupid humanity!

This too shall pass...I'll be sure to keep you posted when it does!

Passion & Purpose

I was sitting at my desk the other day, doing a fabulous job at the wonderful company I'm employed for, and it occurred to me that I'm getting burned out.  I wondered why this is happening, when by all appearances things are just spectacular in my life!  Then, during my lunch break, I allowed my mind to wander a little bit.  I was just daydreaming a little and the places that my mind, and even more importantly MY HEART, gravitated to had nothing to do with business, or promotional products, or money, or manufacturing, or ANYTHING that I spend 40+ hours of my life EVERY WEEK DOING!

During my meanderings of thought I started thinking about politics, and service, and people suffering - the millions of prisoners in the prison system or living a life of 'supervised freedom', the children in foster care, the millions around the world devastated by natural disasters, or populations suffering at hands of governments and underdeveloped social circumstances.

My heart aches for all the pain in the world.  I don't know where to go, how to begin, or even what shape my dreams truly take.  This, however, I do know - that I am not living in my passion, and for the first time I recognized the other day that it hurts.

For those of you who know me you know that I am passionate about a LOT of things, and have an opinion about EVERYTHING! :)  One of the things I am MOST passionate about is the populations, no matter where in the world - or why - who are struggling.  I've struggled a LOT in my life and I know how it feels, so my heart aches for those who suffer needlessly, and senselessly.  I hurt even for the people who know better but yet allow themselves to be victims - even if their suffering is due to their own choices, it doesn't make their pain any less real than yours or mine.

Before I started writing this blog I looked up the word passion (I almost wrote 'in' the dictionary, but that would have been a lie!  I looked it up on Dictonary.com - LOL, which is to say I looked it up on the website that's like a dictionary! - ah, information age).  The word passion is a noun, and defined as; any powerful or compelling emotion or feeling.

I truly believe that each of us have a unique set of gifts and talents.  Furthermore, I strongly believe that the life we live, the experiences we have, and each moment shapes us into exactly the person needed to fulfill our destiny in life.  Some of you may be familiar with Purpose Driven Life and other such teachings for life type books.  This is exactly what I'm talking about.  Doing the things that only you can do, and being involved with the things you're passionate about is what this blog is all about.  

I'm not living my purpose, and the closest involvement I have to the things I'm passionate about are FB posts, the occasional news story and my own daydreams - this pathetic & uncomfortable!  I don't know precisely what my purpose is, but I know that (for the most part) I'm very far away from contributing to life how I'd like to.  Don't get me wrong, I'm showing up for a lot of my callings in life.  I'm a functioning member of society, for instance.  I'm a fit mother.  I am currently an excellent employee, a sister, a friend, a girlfriend, etc.  I am a taxpayer, blah blah blah.  It's not that I'm NOT contributing, but rather that I am 'restless, irritable, and discontent' that I'm not contributing to my best and highest use.  

I'm pretty sure that until I am living in my purpose and contributing at my highest potential (which I believe can only happen through doing what I've been created to do) I'm going to be some degree of miserable - and I'm not happy about it.

I was definitely not created to be part of the rat race that I'm currently in.  I don't daydream about business (but I know some people who do), it's just not for me.  So, I'm asking myself - very PUBLICLY how do I get closer to living in my dreams, what steps can I take to get closer to finding the path I know deep in my heart I should be on?  

For today, writing about it is enough - honesty is the first step you know.  Next, I figure out a way for me to earn money doing what I want to be doing, then I suppose we'll see from there.  My eyes and ears are open, and if any of my readers should happen to have a little inspiration about my situation I welcome your suggestions! :)  

Suicide Prevention Day - How Will You Celebrate

A sobering reminder came today when my sister Janet reminded me that my Dad has been gone for 18 years!  Whoa!  I don't often think anymore, as much as I do think about him, exactly how long it's been.  He's been gone longer than he was alive with me, almost twice as long.

I miss him.  I miss all the things I never got to know about him.  I miss all the joy we never got to experience together.  I wish everyday that he got to hold my baby, that he got to teach me to play guitar.  I wish he was here to tell me how proud of me is, or give me advice about how to live my life. I could go on and on about all the emptiness his absence has created in me.  Its a void I'll never feel, but one day pray hope I'm able to forgive and understand my having to live with it.

I had a staggering thought the last time I was in jail, while detoxing.  I was lower than I had ever been.  My depression was inescapable and life was utterly black, staring prison in the face.  A thought came to me one night as I lay alone in my bed, thinking about not wanting to live my life anymore, it was not the first time this thought of suicide has come to my mind.  A few times in the darkest parts of my journey through life I've wanted it to end, but without fail EVERY time the thought has crossed my mind before my next heartbeat the reminder of the pain I feel for my Dad's loss has jerked me back to reality and I've accepted that it's simply not an option.

This lonely night of despair and the reminder, once again, that because of my loss I will NEVER chose that fate made me wonder if maybe my Dad died that I might live.  I certainly have found a great deal of gratitude in this concept, and don't know how real it may or may not be.  His fate has DEFINITELY affected the outcome of my life - so real or not, I'm grateful.

I love my Daddy, in a lost/never known sort of way.  I love the idea of a Daddy, because I never really got to know one.  So this is my tribute to suicide prevention today.  Everyone is touched by it, some bear scars more deeply than others, some will bear scars they wished they never knew in years to come.  I pray for those affected, and for those still suffering.  I hope your hearts, and the hearts of all of us, can be open to understanding, acceptance and love.  Love them where they are, and pray that God finds them and their loved ones, no matter the outcome.  Cherish the love you have, and share it with the world!  Share it with strangers, tell your story and shine your light.

Well I Never!!

How many of you, I'm curious, caught what I was trying to get across with the title?  If you missed it, let me elaborate, cause it's important!  :o)  Say the title in your head like you are an astounded woman of approximately 80+ years old witnessing PDA. LMAO!  Got it?  Good!

Now onto the explanation of why that is such the fitting title for this post.  Ladies and gentleman, and the rest of you unruly folk :)  I AM TERMINATED FROM PROBATION!  The AMAZING Mike Lastowski, public defender who is truly a servant and a remarkable man of the law, finally got me on the calendar for Judge Ludlow in the Washington County Fifth District Court on Tuesday September 4th, 2012 and filed a motion to terminate my supervised probation and close my case.  He had to push a little, but it was a success!

After being on probation since April of 2011, in and out of jail throughout that time, and witnessing the UGLY VERY REAL STATISTICS OF FAILURE, I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD SEE THIS DAY COME!

So, I'll say again, 'Well I Never!'.  :o)   I'm so unbelievably excited for this chapter of my life, the chapter where I am a slave to the system and in constant fear of it, to be finally closed!  I am unbelievably grateful and elated to have this dream come true!  It's not every day that I find myself an outlier in what is normally a bell curve that is 85% strong!  I feel proud and amazed!  Who would have thought that I'm in the 15%?? Sure, I was telling myself 2 years ago that I could be, if I wanted to be, but there have been many times my confidence has been non-existent!  Truly, God is doing for me, what I cannot do for myself.

I go out from here determined to continue to move onward and upward, hoping to give back with some of what I've been so blessed with.